Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda,

.....i'm not sure what to say. Feel your pain and feeling lost at this moment. Just want to tell you that I'm listening ok, if you feel this is right place and time to talk and get it all out...i will be listening..

Keep posting if it helps you girl...

S x

Freda

Like my dear friend Sandra wrote I don't know what to say.

I simply offer my unconditional support.

Take care of yourself.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you x x

((((((((Freda))))))))
Be kind to you and try to get some rest...i know it won't come easy but you need to look after yourself xxxx

I do not feel like this is real life. It still probably hasn't sunk in. Weirdly, I feel more loved now as he was clearly absolutely tortured seeing me in pain, and he says that some feelings for me have come back since he confessed. He has been so loving, whereas there was virtually none the past few months.

It's weird feeling so numb. I have cried quite a bit, but also feel quite numb and calm. He has been crying too, which I can't remember him doing as long as we have been together. He says he is scared of losing me, which I can't make sense of, giving the rest of his revelations.

My gut feeling is it's over, but we will still love each other as friends, but who knows how I will feel in the coming days and weeks. I start counselling tomorrow - the poor woman is going to have to hit the ground running, with me!!!

I gambled £50 on Saturday night, another window of opportunity I saw which has now been closed. I chose to gamble because I was feeling scared, angry and confused. I could have chosen not to, but those were the emotions motivating my "f0ok it" attitude at the time.

Had my first counselling session this morning. I loved it. I loved being in a place where I was respected according to my true value.

Made me realise a lot of things. Made me realise what's disgusting. Do you know what's disgusting? My husband always giving me only one kiss in his text replies, and when I've jokingly said go on give me two, I give you two - saying I can't change now. That's my way. Do you know how many text kisses he has ALWAYS given her? 2. He started giving me two as well - do you know when? When I found out. How generous of him. It's not about text kisses. That's petty. It's about value. The value you give someone and the value you treat them with. It is just a demonstration of value that's all.

Today I fd00king HATE that he has treated me with so little value, and I hate that up to now I have let him.

Hi Freda,

Get it all out girl, don't know what else to say, but am reading and listening and walking along side with you.

Take care and spit all the S***e out, if it helps.

Take care and be kind to yourself because you are sooo much worth it.

Suzanne xxx(((((freda))))

Thank you x x If I gave myself a fraction of the love I give out to people I hardly know, I'd be laughing. This is now about what value do I place on myself? What are my standards for the way I am treated? Not: how much can I complain about his disrespectful treatment of me without losing him? Not, I will stand up for my worth a little bit, but not too much - because no-one will think I'm worth that. If I demand what I am worth, I will be all alone.

No! NO! If I demand what I am worth and I end up all alone, then so be it. If that is the case, no one is worth spending time with anyway. I'd rather be alone.

That friend who was saying inappropriate things and making me feel uncomfortable, has not disappeared since I asked her to stop doing that. The woman who used to speak over me - literally - and hog at least 80% of any conversation still wants to know me after I asked her to let me finish what I was saying. This myth that I was told when I was little, is just that - a myth. I can't prove that to myself without taking risks that contradict that myth. I was told not to "worry people" not to be "a bother" by my parents. I get a half-arsssed response to my distress from my parents and always have done. They might think that's right and OK, but I don't. Do you know, none of my wider family have ever said "well done" or complimented or encouraged me on anything. My parents did a bit, but couldn't really be arrrrssssed. (as an aside, it's amusing to me that I have to mis spell a r s sed on here, but not S***e!!!!) When my aunt and cousins added me as friends on Faceb ook, I "like" their successes and comment to say well done and so on - it may just be a co-incidence, but they have never, ever "liked" any of my successes that I have shared. Ever. They added me as face book friends but have literally nothing positive for me!!!! I keep them on my friends list to keep the peace, but inwardly I think they are idiots and don't spend any time with any of them. That was the start of my self-respect and self-love developing. I complimented my aunt on her shoes on MY WEDDING DAY (because I'm not spiteful and will still be loving to people who don't give it back), but she didn't bother her a**e to comment on how I looked. I WAS THE BRIDE!!!! it's basically your job as a guest, never mind a family member who supposedly loves you. My cousin shared one of my pictures of her trying to blow out my birthday cake - she is proud of the picture, thinks it's really funny. Toddlers will do this, because they don't understand that it's spiteful. I never would have done that to her, and she is 2 years older than me. She was 7 when she did that to a 5 year old, and is still proud of it as a 37 year old. Good for her! I wouldn't be. I know that is just a little thing, I don't dislike her just for one spiteful act 30 years ago, it was one of about a million spiteful acts. Who needs people like that in their life. So you see, no wonder I haven't really had a firm basis for self-love surrounded by sad low vibrational people like that in my formative years. (interestingly her husband groped my b**t in front of her when he was drunk, so perhaps it is true that you get back what you put out. He clearly has no respect for her. My husband has let me down, but would never ever do something like that. Her husband is extremely ugly, but I could manage to bring myself to get him into a compromising position if I was as spiteful as her, but I'm not)

Very random things are coming out in this rant!!! lol but I don't care. I am a beautiful human being, who would never treat other people the way they have treated me. I make mistakes, but they are few, because it matters to me how people feel. They would be beautiful human beings if they dropped the spite and gave out love instead. We all are underneath.

Well I'm a conformist no more! I reject what most of the influences around me thought I was worth in my formative years. Spiteful as she is, I think my cousin deserves better than a husband who gropes her cousins a s s. If she isn't willing to insist on her worth being observed, that's tough t**s - I am insisting on it! and I will be capable of a lot more love and kindness as a result - so if that makes me selfish, go and get your head read!

Hi Freda,

You, my dear keep rambling and getting it all out as much as you like. As long as it helps.
In my eyes, thoughts coming out might not make connection and can be out of sync, but if you look closely they all fall out to the same root cause.
I do feel for you girl, this is honestly very challenging and hard time for you. A lot of questions and soul searching will be on the way. This is absolutely normal and understandable reaction to the shock you are experiencing. Let it all out, keep questioning, keep putting the puzzle together. I'm not gonna say it will be easy or will dissapear in a thin air tomorrow..no, i am just being realistic. Feel emotions, don't hold them in. Shout and scream if you have to. World is S***e in some aspects, but we are only humans and haven't got a super powers to make everything our own way. We have the most important piece - ourselves!. Self respect, and self worth. Something many human beings are missing. You have it love! You have the soul worth dying for so keep your head held high, fight for your rights and peace of mind. Woteva loss it's gonna be - it's not your loss..you will keep your sanity, i know you will.

Ok..so a little ramble here. Prob a bit out of sync, but i do let my thoughts flow recently lol..this is just me - everything goes out on the table and no masks present.
Now my friend, you need to concentrate on you and prevent yourself from this addiction. This is the time where you are at your most vulnerable state. Don't let those urges to escape override you. Fight head on, as i said, let your emotions to flow, feel the anger and rage..this is not always negative. Sometimes it gives clear path forward. Just don't hold it all in..the explosion might be very damaging, you truly don't need that at this time.

re that hubby of your cousin's. Dirty c *** ...brought back to my mind a little incident i had at work last week..(join me in that giggle 😉 )..one "sticky hands hero" decided to have a little grope on this s**y b*m lol lol..hmmmm..yep, my reflection send him flying to the wall. Bad bad girl for using physical force there, but, as i said it was initial reaction to possible harm..and no no no...no foooker will ever touch me that way. So here we go, i still have job, he is staying 2miles away from me...happy days lol.. no real casualties in a process of the incident. (Except few repairs on that wall :-D)

Ok, that was my ramble. If you had at least half smile on that angelic face, my intention to divert your sad thoughts from the ongoing matter worked..at least for a minute 🙂 every little counts.

Now keep looking after you, prioritise your needs and wellbeing. Life goes on..we never give up giving up. We are worth more than that. Respect my friend!

Hugs,
Sandra xxxxx

Oh Sandra,m

You did right, girl! We are not sexual playthings, no man has the right to touch us for his own amusement without permission. I had a manager of a Maccy D's grab hold of each of my hips and thrust into me pretending to f**k me from behind, when I was 17. Sad thing is, I did not even know he was doing anything seriously wrong, it was just irritating. It is a misogynystic world, where women are meant to feel like sexual assault is not sexual assault, but just "messing about". It's not - it's sexual assault. I was only just legal, and he was my boss. He was such a b e ll en d. A beautiful soul of a young man who witnessed it, got really angry with him and told him he was bang out of order. Sadly at the time, I did not understand why he was so hot under the collar, and thought he was over reacting! He will raise daughters who know their worth, and do not let men do this to them. I wish I could go back in time, and just tell him how beautiful it was how much respect he had for women as just a teenager himself, and thank him for speaking out against the boss like that. It must have been intimidating as a teenager to tell off your boss. Goodness knows how many more young women he did that to.

Life is a journey darling. We never stop learning of good and bad. Sorry to hear you had to experience such a sick encounter. I'm afraid, there are many sickos like that in a world. I am sure you would of reacted completely different now and would protect yourself. All this is not your fault and never was...stick has two ends as saying goes.

Hope the meeting up with friend helped you to calm down a bit. I know you don't post a lot, but please, if you feel it helps you, keep connected and get everything out. Maybe this is the place where you can start healing process. You are not on your own and never will be. Alongside souls which doesn't care, there are many more who does. And sometimes sharing your thoughts with a stranger, can help to find that balance and the way forward.

Stay safe, be kind to you and look after yourself.

Sandra xxx

Haven't really been able to post for a few days, as I went to spend the weekend with my Mam on Friday morning. Forgot to take my laptop charger, and probably couldn't have found the privacy to post properly anyway.

Today has been horrible. Really horrible.

I believe in asking the universe or any divine source that might be out there, for help. I Asked on Saturday night for help to bring about what needs to happen, sooner rather than later. I asked for a catalyst to show me what I need to do. Well it is true that you must be careful what you wish for!

The more information I gather from him, and the more questions I ask, the more I feel that I no longer want to be his wife. He said the other woman was furious with him on Friday, when he told her we'd had s*x recently (we did it on Thursday night. I used him, actually. I just really needed some) She called him a coward, another 'c' word, a b*********d, and so on.. I said that I couldn't believe him that he had not given her the impression that he wanted to leave me, to be with her, otherwise there is no way she would be so furious about him having s*x with his own wife!!! I said at some point he must have decided that he definitely no longer wanted to be with me, and must have told her this for her to react that way. If someone is in love with a married man, and he has s*x with his wife, you only get furiously angry if he has promised to leave her. You would be hurt or disappointed, but not angry.

I also gleaned from my investigations that he had told her she looked 'fit' or 'hot' or words to that effect. He never says that to me. There was something else I found out, which I forget, as it's hard to take it all in, but it has proved a catalyst for me to feel he does not deserve to call me his wife, and I've been hurt more than I can probably recover from to still have a relationship with him as a partner. He said he didn't think we should have s*x again or even kiss or anything, until he figures out how he feels, and I just thought 'Oh f u*k off. I've had enough'

I've been looking into housing benefit and rental rates where I live, and have been pleasantly surprised. I could certainly manage to live without being dirt poor, for quite a while, whether I managed to hold down my existing job, or was on income support. I do think it's having zero savings that makes people get into a desperate situation when they're in that position. You can just about live, unless anything ever breaks or needs replacing, or you ever need a taxi anywhere or anything non-essential etc. That's when it's scary and grim, when you can't even recover from those things, financially. I've about £2k I can easily lay my hands on, and about £10k equity in my share of our property (even considering the depressed property market, as we bought during the recession at a low price anyway - we would only have to get the same price we paid to come out with £10k each)

I'm really sad it has come to this, but it would take so much for me to want to still be with him now, and it's unlikely he can give that to me. I have PMT sore back, and sadness and anxious feelings and have also had a traumatic experience today.

He became quite hysterical and began punching himself in the head, and then lay writhing about on the floor and shaking. He has hurt me, but I still love him as a person, friend or whatever. It was very distressing to witness. I ended up calling the crisis service as I didn't know what to do, and was struggling to cope with it. They said I should call them back for support for me, if it happens again, and that I should get police or ambulance for him if I am worried he is going to seriously hurt himself. Weirdly, I also felt a bit jealous of him that he feels able to express his pain strongly when he needs to, as I cannot scream or become really hysterical in front of anyone as I feel it's not fair on them.

Hi Freda,

Sorry to hear that all this is taking so much out of you. I have no right words to say to take your pain away, I'm not in position of doing so anyway..
just wanted you to know that I'm listening, keep venting it out. Situation you're in is really heart breaking, one of the hardest decisions in your life.
Never forget to look after yourself. Your well being comes first and you can get to the other end. It might be hard to even think of it, but accepting the situation for what it is is the main and huge leap forward.

I guess it's not right of me to ask, but since it's me lol...could you stay in a property you're now and make him to move out? At the end of the day he has found the chick and other nest. Just a thought, absolutely no right or wrong in the decision you're going for.

Hugs girl
Look after you

Sandra xxx

Things have settled down somewhat. It's still really sad, and hard for me, but the extent of the lows are not as extreme.

I got really quite hysterical last week, at the thought of him going around to her flat after work, even though I know it is over between us. He agreed not to, thankfully. It's too much for me at the moment. I know they will still text and chat on the phone, and see each other at work, but being alone together in her flat is too painful a thought for me, at the moment.

I suppose I'm lucky in a way that he still loves and cares about me, as some men go off and do what they like with the new woman, and you've got to deal with it all, all of a sudden. No control over the situation at all. No time to come to terms with it.

It still doesn't feel real yet. Everything seems normal at times. Chatting, laughing, watching tv together on the sofa - then you remember. This has to be let go of at some point fairly soon. It won't be like this, much longer. It's really sad.

Hi Freda... just been catching up with your diary. Sorry to hear about whats happened. I have no idea what to say about your marriage issues other than it sounds like things may take a little time to resolve themselves. I hope it all settles down soon enough and you get some resolution and closure.

I note what you say about "zero savings" and yes its stressful. I have none just now and have just worked my way out of my overdraft. Like you say, if something unexpected comes along, I may not know what to do. Of course when gambling my sensible head goes out the window, thankfully ive been and found it and put it back on and i aim to have savings again, sometime soon.

Anyway life goes on regardless. Take care... S.A 🙂