Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks Sandra - yes you are right. He put me in this situation, so I shouldn't have to move out of my home. He is by far the breadwinner, and there is no way I could afford the mortgage by myself. He has said he is happy to still keep paying the bills here, even if he gets together with her, but I would be at the mercy of him if he changed his mind. Eventually he will no longer want to pay to house his estranged wife, and I wouldn't get housing benefit for a flat I partly own, when it is mortgaged. He cannot afford to get a place in Manchester for himself, and pay the bills here, at the same time. I also know that I could not continue to live with him once he had started a proper relationship with someone else. It would be too hard.

So, since he is in control of when and how the situation might change, I do need to be prepared to find myself my own place. He says he still has feelings for me, so cannot go straight into a relationship with her. How long that will be the case, is hard to predict, though. So I am keeping an eye on local rental lettings, and will continue to do so, so I can make the move when I need to. Realistically, we are unlikely to sell the flat until December, as we are tied into a fixed rate mortgage until then, with a penalty for exiting early. However, I could get a flat of my own, with housing benefit, before then. He has offered to help me with the costs of this, which I will certainly accept from him for a while, but I don't want to depend on him financially for very long. Once the flat is sold, I will get half, minus the remaining mortgage balance, so that will give me some financial security for a while. It should be around the 10k mark, even in todays market. Enough to not have to worry about bills for a few years.

Hi Freda,

I am pleased to see that initial storm and shock has passed and you find yourself on a level.
I'm afraid i have no words to say to make you feel any better. I guess you are still coming to terms about this and there will be many challenging days on the way. Just wanted to assure you, that you are in control of yourself and the way you let your thoughts to affect you. Try to see light at the end of all this. You deserve respect, peace and harmony in your life. Don't let dark souls to take it away from you.

..umm..what else?..maybe be selfish for once and put yourself first. Achievable? Possible for sure 🙂

Stay safe dear friend and be kind to you. Things will work themselves out even if you need to give a slight touch to guide it in one or other direction benefiting yourself.

Keep talking and spitting poison out. It helps

Sandra xx

Thanks 🙂

Well, life has stumbled along the past week or so. Still feeling sad, still sometimes tearful.

We were talking about how we'd originally hoped to go to the lake district for our 5th wedding anniversary this year. It's not too far away, in May. I said how I feel like I really need to get away this year, and would have loved to go, but can't see myself getting close enough to anyone else to be able to relax on holiday with them in time to go this year. I said "we are staying friends, why don't we still go? We can have separate beds or rooms". His face changed and he looked sheepish and awkward. He goes "Well if I get with Lisa, I won't be able to. She won't feel comfortable me going on holiday with my ex". It's moments like this that hurt. He's still saying he loves me and isn't sure what to do, then comes out with something like that. I've already decided that it's too late, I can't take him back after he has spent months not sure whether he still wants to be with me. He would have to show some serious change in behaviour, becoming really besotted with me again, and winning back my trust for me to consider taking him back. Trouble is, I was holding out a little hope that it would miraculously happen, and it would all be alright. I know that to an outsider reading this, it must seem really sad and deluded, but you do that to an extent. When you don't want to accept that it really is, truly 100% over. You already know it deep down, but you keep this little candle lit, just hoping. That comment well and truly snuffed the f ook er out, though.

Hi Freda... sorry to read that its over and from what you say that does seem to be the case.

Onwards to better times.

Take care.. S.A

Thanks SA, I do need to hear that. Over and over and over again. Seriously. When you don't want to, or find it really hard to accept something, you need it drumming into you, for your own good. Because it's still true - whether you want to believe it or not.

Maybe I can write lines like a naughty child, to drum it into myself, lol.

My marriage is over. My marriage is over. My marriage is over. My marriage is over. My marriage is over. My marriage is over.

Hi Freda,

You're right, some things in life just doesn't work out and even if it's so hard to accept, we need to let them go. Look at it positively, new start, new adventure. Might be better and more worthwhile.

Do feel for you and don't expect you to get over it all in one day...no...this is real deal and process of letting it go is like mourning for someone. But this shall pass...you need to put yourself first hun. You are more than capable of it.
plus some getaway even on your own would do good for sure. I am on very similar journey recently and planning a little out time somewhere peaceful to get my mind and body ticking along in harmony again..sometimes that's all we need to help that soul to cope with things.

Hugs my dear friend, stay strong

Sandra xxx

Hi freda,

Thanks for your post,

I am sorry to read about your breakup, it must be very hard for you at this time, this is bad enough without that bloody addiction lurking too.

It's funny how we hang on til the bitter end, with relationships, whether we loved them at the end or not, we hang on in hope things will change,

You are a very strong lovely lady, and you will get through this testing time.

You asked me about my feelings last week and how I got through them, not easy to,answer but I know if I had not reached out for support at my lowest last week, it would have been harder to push through, I can't change what is going on around my life with family members, or my past, but I am now making changes with me if that makes sense).

By making changes within me I am going to be able to deal with the problems with life in a more positive way, I thought gambling was the answer, for 8 years, how wrong, I climbed an ullusional mountain, for escape, not knowing it was a volcano in disguise, that inevitably erupted totally self destructing me,

There is no happy escape, but there sure is support when needed to help us along,

Am here Freda as always listening, as many others are, just keep reaching out when ever, for support, you are not on your own,

(((((Freda)))))))

Suzanne xxxxx

I feel terrible today. I'm so tired and grumpy! I am hoping I can manage to have a good cry to get all of this agitation out of me.

I'm going to get back into determined abstinence again, as I had been buying the odd lotto ticket and just dabbling. It is great to see that I'm not running straight to the gambling when things get really, really hard, but I want to go back to nothing at all, full stop.

So, since I spent a couple of quid on the slots at the seaside yesterday, today is day 1.

I'm due back at work on Thursday, and the way I feel today, I'm half wondering if I'm doing the right thing, but I know it is just a bad day. Overall I think it will be good for me to be back at work and to have some routine.

Hi Freda,

So sorry i didn't come across your post yesterday...do feel for you and really feel your pain. Hope you had a good cry (nothing wrong with that and trust me at the rate i cry i must be a miss weeping World lol).. sometimes tears are just there..just waiting for that green light to be able to roll down...let them, it is healing and getting rid of your low emotions. Maybe not the most pretty sight after but hell...who f****n cares! If we feel better within us, a little puffed up eyes not gonna hurt 🙂

Listen, i know you think that spending too much time on your own doesn't help. Maybe it don't but work is not the best solution either. I am sure you have some good friends you trust, you can meet and have a chat with. Girlie night in with a glass of red never killed anyone either. Have some time for yourself hun, be kind to you...i said this before but i shall keep repeating myself - you matter! Never forget that.

Please keep posting...you know that venting helps...stay close by, we are listening

Sandra xxxx

Thanks Sandra x x

I feel much better today, and did yesterday too. Going back to work tomorrow, and quite looking forward to it in a way. I have been off for 5 weeks, so it will be weird, but nice to see everyone again. I met up with a couple of the girls from work this afternoon and had a good natter. I have been seeing A lot of friends lately, so have had plenty of support and shoulders to cry on. I've managed to talk about things a little bit today without crying, so that is progress!

Today is day 3 🙂

Hi freda,

It's good to read you are feeling so much better now, and you are looking forward to going back to work, and meeting friends.

Have a good strong and calm day tomorrow,

Take care of you

Suzanne xxx

Hi Freda

Just popping in to say hi and hope your ok and im back on the diaries.

Still tea,biscuits and fluffy blankets avalible when needed.

Stay Strong

L xx

Good to hear that you feel a little upbeat hun, keep being kind to you and stand tall in every decision you make in life.
Work is a good distraction, just please find the balance to suit your own needs and work responsibilities. Don't over do it..
You MATTER

stay safe girl and keep calm

Sandra xx

Happy f*****g Valentines Day.

Did me good to get back to work on Thursday, but now Valentines Day is here I feel like s hee t.

I know its over, I know he doesn't love me enough, I know he is a selfish c **t, but it still hurts. Yet another day that he doesn't try to beg me to stay, win me back, or do anything at f*****g all. I hurt today. I wish for better. Cupid can f u ck right off.

I've bought myself Valentine Presents instead - a bottle of bubbly and a vibrator, lol. Who needs a man anyway.

Hey good for you girl, Valentine's day is just another day,

Suzanne xx