Going to keep this thread now!

I wish I had had someone in my life at some point who thought I mattered enough to do anything to help me.Usually that's a parent, but I didn't have that. Just that feeling of safety - you don't have to fight anymore, I'll take over for a bit, everything will be OK. Someone who saw that I didn't have the strength to fight to get what I needed anymore. Who fought for me when I wasn't strong enough.

I swear to god I would be a different person right now. Everyone needs that.

Hi Freda,

Sometimes lack of love and care in life, makes us who we are now..sometimes destiny can be the biggest lesson in life, finding things the hard way. Finding that inner strength to carry on and not for others - but yourself. Sometimes it's also harder to look for acceptance where you need it the most but it's not there. Getting back to the drawing board and looking for the answers.
Yes we all need love and care, that's the main thing in life. Firstly accept that you got it in you which u already showed in buckets and let your soul shine. We cannot change the past or this twisty road we find ourselves on, but d**n girl we cannot keep beating ourselves up for something what was/is out of our hands..Do not look at others or follow other footsteps. You have your own road ahead of you, you are who you are, you are amazing soul with so much to give to this world. Do not let yourself down for the shortcomings on the way, we all have those, but we also have something what is hard to find - self respect, ability to bounce bk in our own way and belief in ourselves.

Time comes when we need to let the past go, otherwise we cannot start building the bridges ahead..

let it go, find yourself again and embrace life with new found energy and love.

You can do it, you're worth it.

Keep pushing girl, keep fighting and never give up on giving up cause you my friend - matter the most!

Stay safe..b kind to you

S x

Morning freda

To have security and sanctuary is without doubt something which everyone deserves in life, I am truly saddened by the way that you have been treated, reminds me of my own childhood my father rubbing my mother's nose in the 'love' for his new women.

It has never left my mum,she was deeply hurt,ashamed, her esteem was destroyed all by the selfish act of another.

I went on to treat my wife with the same distain, not with a woman but falling into the arms of addiction, for too many years I answered to addictions calling before anything else.

All I can say is by looking after myself, actually really caring about my own wellbeing has to take priority.

I have to answer to my own mind to be able to function without destruction.

Please do the same for yourself my friend, really look after number one.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks guys. Nothing but love. Walking among angels on here 🙂

I'm doing my best to look after myself better, I really am. I'm limping about, trying my best to just keep moving. I know this will pass.

It is fuel for my determination to practise my faith (Buddhism) because I'm so very sad at the way some people treat others and live their lives. So many people disconnected from their souls, living lovelessly. Separate from all that is divine.

The society in which I live voted the Tories in! Perhaps I am maturing, because rather than anger I just feel the deepest sadness. It is my heartfelt and sincerest wish that all beings be permanently liberated from suffering.

Hi freda,

Good to see you back posting

Practicing your faith sounds like it will take you to a better place.

Must admit I was surprised when the tories got a majority, o well, never mind.

Take care... S.A

Hi Freda

I too felt really saddened when the Tories got back in. Almost like someone close to me died. Never fails to disappoint me how we're such a bunch of selfish barstewards looking out for our own self interests, which is what Tory voters are.

Cheers

Hi old friend. Yep, still around and hanging in there even if them ole Tories are back in. Only a brief glance at the latter part of your diary but a good friend, you, has been not treated as I would have liked.

Me, well still going at 66. That`s despoite 2 major ops last year and my enemy, OCD. I hate it with a vengence. Thinking dreadful things involuntary is horrible and frightening.

Doyou ever go into chat? I do a bit. Would love to talk again. Blow`um dear. You are a lovely lady. big kisses Luv ya.

Lovely to hear from you again, Graham 🙂

I always look up my diary when I'm feeling in a hole. It's my place to spew it all out. To let it all hang out, and fling that f*****g mask on the floor.

In general, I am doing much, much better. I really am. For the most part, my anxiety levels have gone down a lot, and I'm able to socialise a bit more, which has been good for me. Tonight, I have been to a hen party, and chose to leave after a few hours, because I was feeling so anxious.

I think the problem was that I was not feeling in a good place this morning. I was feeling fragile, and a bit tearful. I've been getting better at letting myself have these days, and to not push myself to do things to please other people when I need to look after myself. However, there are still occasions in life where you need to go to celebrations because it's important to the person, and you want to help them celebrate. It's hard to do this when you feel like you want to burst into tears! If it was just a night out and nothing special, I would have ducked out tonight, but it was a friends hen night, she was excited about it. I felt I had to hide my anxiety and discomfort so as not to put a dampner on things. I didn't want to be misunderstood as attention seeking.

So tonight was really hard, and I feel fed up and wish there was someone here to comfort me and look after me. I feel sorry for myself tonight. I want someone to be my "mam" tonight. Not my actual mam, cos she's a bit weird and mental, but just a mam figure, to make sympathetic noises and reassure me. Tell me anyone would feel the same. That's it's normal, and natural, and I'm doing really well.

I went to hospital on Thursday night because I'd been having heart palpitatins all day, and they weren't showing any improvement. I know it's normal to have them when you are anxious, but I had been feeling great for days. I wasn't anxious at all. It is frustrating that when I have them when I'm calm and happy, doctors say "well maybe you were a bit anxious but you just didn't realise". I've felt there was something amiss for a couple of years now, but the gp has always said he can't do anything unless he can listen to my heart while it's happening. It happens sporadically though!!!! Anyway, they were worse than usual and I decided it warranted going to hospital to have it looked at. I got some bloods taken when they saw me in triage, and was fine with it - I don't get queasy about needles or anything. Anyway, the nurse asked me to follow him round to the treatment bit where they would hook me up to an ECG monitor, and I felt like I was going to faint. I had to let myself sink down to the floor because I felt right on the verge of fainting, and didn't want to fall from a height. I wasn't scared of fainting, I just didn't want to hurt myself. The weirdest thing was, I couldn't faint. Usually when you get that whooshing fainting feeling, you either faint, or it passes after a few seconds. For me, it just stayed the same, for like 15 minutes. It was horrible! I didn't know what was happening to me, and I felt delirious and confused. Even when I was lying on the hospital bed, I still felt about to faint, and everyone's voice seemed far away. I was really scared! I think my blood pressure must have suddenly plummeted. They seemed to think I was having a panic attack, but I wasn't! At least that wasn't what brought the deliriousness on. I just felt really ill and it wouldn't pass, and then I started panicking because I didn't know what was happening to me. I felt that something was really wrong. My palpitations got worse, and I was really scared. Eventually they let R come in to see me, he came along because he was worried about me. Anyway, to cut a long story short, they caught the palpitations on the monitor, and even though I was anxious because of the funny turn, they agreed that it needed looking into. So that part is good, really, but it made it hit home that I have no next of kin anymore. I have noone to come and see me if I fall ill anymore. R just happened to be home that night, but usually I am alone now. It is a scary thing to realise. At a time when everything seems scary to start with. They asked me if he was my next of kin, and he isn't now.

Still struggling at times.

Have been tempted to gamble a lot.

Had a date last night, but I got stood up! He came up with some excuse about having family problems, but it only takes a few seconds to send a message saying "need to cancel, sorry, will explain later" What is the matter with people? That they would let a woman go and sit waiting in a pub for someone who never turns up.

it's like men seem to think you should be grateful that they grant you with an audience, these days. They seem to forget women are actual human people!

I'm so tearful at the moment. It is hard to function when this happens. I hate "Britishness" Why does no-one cry in public? I refuse to believe that at any given time in the city centre there aren't dozens of people wandering about pretending to be fine.

I wish I were braver, it would be a good thing to be the trailblazer who made it OK to cry. To help other people feel empowered to do it. I was feeling pretty tearful on Thursday. I had a doctors appointment, and they were 40 minutes late by the time they saw me. I tried to hold it in for ages, but eventually I had to just let myself sit and cry. In the waiting room. As silently as I could.

By the time I got into the treatment room, I was doing big heaving sobs. It was such a relief to be able to cry behind a closed door, in private. I had my blood pressure taken, and it was high. Five minutes later, a little lower. Five more minutes, lower still. This is what we are doing to ourselves when we try to hold it in! It makes us sick!!! I'm so lucky to have a supportive employer who doesn't mind if I need to go off for a cry. I also have a job where it doesn't matter too much if I have to do this. I can still usually get everything done. The problem is, some days I'm not done after 20 minutes. I could cry for hours. I need to cry for hours. It does me good. So it has been very, very, hard to try and function and hold down my job - even with a supportive employer. I finished for the summer yesterday, and now how the space and time to do just that. I've got 11 weeks off, and the relief is huge. I was very emotional yesterday, it was just knowing that I don't have to be strong much longer.

Hi Freda... I woosh I could cry a bit more. I think the way many men are brought up, is that it is a sign of weakness to be seen to cry. I only cry when it really does feel like the end of the world. Crying of course is natures way of healing. I tend to feel better after a good cry on the rare occasions that it does happen.

Sorry to read your date didn't happen. For what ever reason he got scared off... it is very rude though not to let you know. It says alot about his personality and it may have been a blessing in disguise.

Warm regards... S.A 🙂

I'm having explosive crying fits at the moment. I'm bursting into tears at random times, and just weeping. I feel great afterwards, but not nice at the time. I've started playing lotto online, which I know I can't, but I'm just weak.

Hi Freda,

Crying is healing so heard..sometimes it's the only let off we can have to start making peace with ourselves again.

Addiction is slippery slope, please keep safe and stay in your guard, lotto might escalate to your old ways and im sure you don't want to go bk there.

Little steps forward - in all aspects of life!

Look after yourself

S x

Thanks Sandra x x

Yes, I need to nip it in the bud. I am going to view a flat tomorrow. I feel slightly conflicted about it's location as it is around the corner from a c a sino. I've never gambled in one before, but feel a bit nervous about being so close to one. In reality, I have lived within walking distance of this place for ten years, so I'm trying to remind myself of that. However, it is a different story being just around the corner from one. I don't have to actually walk past it, in fact I'm not exactly sure where it is, but know it's close to this street. Anyway, writing it down outside of my head is part of the process....it doesn't worry me so much now I've written about it. Strange how that works.

If you take the flat and the casino becomes a problem, then you get yourself banned. Job done!

take care.. S.A 🙂