Going to keep this thread now!

Freda,

I hope you are ok??

I'm fed up. Just grimness around. People being pushed to their limits at work, presumably this is happening in other workplaces and it's making society an angry, volatile place. On my walk home from work, last night, I saw this symbolised by toothless, chaotic young people arguing over drugs, in the street, then a flash car with personalised number plates, driving past. The woman behind the wheel is not a better person, she's just luckier. It's hard to drive up some roads in my city, as drug addicts wander into the roads, unpredictably. 

I feel like it has been made very hard for someone who is just honest and trying their best, to make ends meet in this country. 

I remind myself that I have made my own situation safe. I have created a situation where I have a roof over my head, for only £140 per month and in 24 years it will be mine. I only need to work 16 hours a week and I rarely need help to cope with life. It's just survival, that though, isn't it? Surviving isn't enough for happiness.

I go to dance once a week and I enjoy it. I enjoy the feeling of community. It's just about enough nourishment to get me by. 

My health has been poor recently and it's had knock-on effects on my ability to do something about the other things that bother me. I've gained weight - I take responsibility, constructively, join the gym BUT I get five bad colds within a year, I have painful periods every two weeks that also sap my energy, there are terrible storms for weeks on end, I get frustrated and comfort eat and so it continues. I want to feel I'm making progress. I know I am but its extremely slow progress in return for a lot of effort. Like treading water. 

I started talking to a man who seems very nice but he also seems very needy, he is 11 years older than me, he is coming on strong and talking about going on a date giving him something to look forward to. It's a similar feeling of another human being's life being so lacking in nourishment, that they pin all their hopes of happiness on one person. I know that this is not healthy or fair. I don't do that to people but it's hard to find someone else who doesn't, either. 

I'm selling my car in a few weeks. I believe I am capable of getting over my fear of driving on major roads but it would be very stressful and need consistently working at. I could do that, but only if there was no stress from other areas of life. It's holding me back but I can't overcome it on top of dealing with the rest of life. Again, the feeling of peeing against the wind. 

I will continue moving forward, very, very, slowly, despite a lot of effort. For now, I'm depressed that it's so hard and exhausting. Life is supposed to be joyful and an adventure but the systems we've got around us, stack the deck and make it a hard slog. 

Feel worse. Tried to reach out to a resource that will remain anonymous and was spoken to by a robotic person trying to get rid of me. The way this anonymous organisation is run, is cold and alienating. I'm sure the robot was just doing what she is told. 

Hi Freda,

Your post to S.A. and the one above got me thinking and crying, which is okay, because I needed the release. I so agree that none of us were meant to live this way. 

Thanks for reaching out, Judy. I hear you.

I'll be OK, cos I have to. A supportive, listening ear would have been nice from the anonymous organisation that is supposed to be there to support compulsive gamblers. Funnily enough, the suggestions that were made, had already crossed my mind, such as "have you been to the GP?" because I'm not a f******g imbecile! I tend to gamble when I feel overwhelmed and it helps to offload to someone but it became some sort of bizarre parlour game, where if I didn't mention gambling in every sentence, I was barking up the wrong tree. That person could only help me specifically with my gambling. Not the reasons surrounding it. Goodness sake!

I'm sure she was just following orders. Ever get the feeling the people who give the orders have absolutely no idea how to relate to human beings, though? Ugh!

Again, thanks for listening, Judy. At least someone has heard me. Hope you feel a little lighter for releasing some tears xx

Day 68, just reminding myself cos I keep losing count. told myself it'd been 80 days, earlier!

Hello freda,

I’m sorry to hear your experience in reaching out for support has made you feel alienated.  It’s such a difficult thing to open up and not feel heard.

We’re here to support you when you need. Whether that be providing space for you to talk, discussing strategies around urges, or looking at sources of specialist support for other issues surrounding or contributing to your gambling. There are advisers available 24 hours a day to listen, non-judgmentally, and to help you find a way forward in your recovery.

Kind regards,

Elizabeth
Forum Admin

Hi Freda!

3rd time lucky as my two posts just dissapeared!

Wanted to thank you for your kind support last night. The love and kindness you shared, opened the way for me to see a bit of value in myself and that lifted my spirits up immediately! Simple kind gesture from you truly made massive difference! I will be forever greatful hun xx

Hope you're feeling better today. I was thinking that world is not in the right place recently. Maybe many feels that?maybe even that "robot" was not able to find a bit of compassion towards hurting soul? Who knows...

I just wanted to tell you to keep going and not to give up on yourself. Sometimes we do need to pull some strings to make ourselves heard..and ya know, nothing wrong with that because we have right to voice our feelings! We deserve to be heard! 

You're amazing soul. Very thoughtful and kind. Find that self love for yourself you share so freely with others. You deserve it hun.

Again, thank you. You dont know how much your words means to me..i appreciate them!

Look after you and have a good day, stay safe

S&B xx

Thanks, San xx

Another week-iversary for me. Day 70. Bosh!

Went to GP about tiredness this morning, I will have some bloods run, will have to wait 3 weeks for an appointment. 

Got some errands done in town and got a haircut. Drove to beach with friend and whippet. Had a canny walk, drove back and had a nap. 

Back and pelvis still aching and sore, still feel lethargic but will go to gym in a bit. I wait til after 6, cos a lot of people go straight after work and I like it when it's quieter.

Got work tomorrow and a date in the evening. I have rarely felt less attractive but I will turn up and try.

Makes me think. I haven't got my haircut for months, just shove some clippers through it, cos its free. The compulsive gambler haircut!

Hope your date goes well. Am sure you look lovely! 🙂

Hello freda.. Hope you feeling more energetic soon xxx 

Love boo ?

Thanks, guys!

Well, more energetic? No. Had a nap 5 hours after getting up. Have felt seriously tired today. Feel a bit snuffly, truth be told, so I hope I'm not getting a cold. Worse still - the C word! 

Date was not terrible but certainly quite uncomfortable at times. He seemed quite sure that he liked me and was sort of trying to initiate prolonged eye-contact and smiling, hand touching and so on. I mean, I felt safe, just a bit uncomfortable. He kept saying I was hard to read, I thought "well, yeah, cos I don't feel anything but I'm being polite". Then he just wasn't drinking his last drink, had to mention a few times I should be getting off, he was saying he was enjoying my company so much, that's why he didn't want to go. It all felt quite needy and sticky. Did you ever feel like someone was trying to force you to say what they wanted you to say, or whatever? Was really hard to shake him off, so I could walk home in peace. He eventually gave up and let me go. I don't like people who push. Who don't let you politely go when you want, etc. I think he was trying to "make me" like him but at 51, that was a bit worrying, to be honest... I mean, if I like someone but I'm not sure if it's reciprocated, I just accept that I can't force it and wait and see what happens.

We have had a new arrival this morning, at Freda HQ. A cat named Thomas - 18 years old! My cat remains segregated, as he had a right hiss at her, through the crack in the door, when I was tryng introductions. His human went into a home and we are not sure anyone will want an elderly cat, so, foster mum it is, for the ime being.

Maybe next time you go on a date, pre-book a taxi. Set a time, if the date goes well, you can cancel the cab. If it gets odd like that one sounded, then you've pre-booked, it's not like you have to make excuses. 

You can even let the date know at the start that you've got a cab booked so the issue of walking you home or trying to tag along doesn't become an issue. 

Set boundaries nice and early. 

Be safe mate. 

Drama x

Yeah, it was a bit weird but I do know people who have known him a long time, so felt pretty sure he was harmless but yeah, I do think it's a micro-aggression whether people realise it or not. Trying to stall, or make people stay. If nothing else, it's rude.

He's a weird dude. He was saying I was hard work, in terms of messaging and getting a bit of banter going. Thing is, he was OTT and a bit inappropriate at times. I know I'm mint craic, so it didn't bother me what he thought. He had joked about being really hurt I hadn't proposed to him on leap year day - we hadn't even met. Now, even though I know he was joking, that's a massive punt! It's kind of weird that the joke would even occur to you.

There is someone out there for you Freda who is perfect for you. 

It's a shame you keep meeting all the frogs but I had a friend who went through this for a few years and was really disheartened until she met her prince. (which I knew she would cos she's AMAZING!)

She was way grateful she didn't settle for a frog. 

Drama x