Going to keep this thread now!

Hiya Freda,

Nice to hear from you 🙂 but at the same time concerned.

I'm assuming that the gambling is creeping back in? Perhaps on a small and for want of a better expresssion in a controlled way? That's what began happening with me (albiet mainly with scrachcards and not the online slots that were my real poison)....and after a year and a half of abstinence.

As I look back, I probably had thoughts that maybe I didn't really have a problem, maybe I wasn't a compulsive gambler, and more importantly and the crux of it..I did not want to be a compulsive gambler!!! I just wanted to be 'normal' around gambling and get on with life.

Anyway things didn't get out of hand, thankfully, but the little voice within was saying....gambling is becoming a problem agin Del. This little voice I ignored when I first started gambling but heeded it second time around and came back here..to continue a process that I feel I turned my back on for a while. But thats how it played out.

I'm back to thinking about leaving the forum again..but sticking with it for my own good lol. I have toyed with the idea i will stay here until all my gambling debts are paid off...umphf another three or four years...eek.

All members recovery processes are probaly different, but I've wrote this down Freda, just in case anything might strike a chord.

I might be shooting up the wrong tree here...and probably am ...so sorry if so...

...wanting the best things for you...your lovely ..and have been so so helpful to me.

Big Hug

Del xo

No you are right Del,

I haven't ever given up completely for more than about 5 months. I am a compulsive gambler, no doubt about that. Certainly reading others experiences, its a progressive thing, but so far that hasn't been the case for me.

I'm in a sort of holding pattern... I try to generally not gamble, but occasionally I do. It hasn't been escalating, but it hasn't completely gone from my life either.

I'm lucky enough to not really be in any debt (I've student loans, but haven't ever earned enough to have to pay them off - they are non-gambling related) and I don't seem to go proper apesh*t and blow hundreds at a time. So there is no self-loathing, debt, guilt etc. I seem to gamble to the point where I'm a bit skint, but that doesn't really put fire in my belly, and shock me into determination.

So its a tough one. I certainly don't want to blow hundreds and hundreds, just in order to give myself that shock!

So what to do? I'm not really trying that hard if truth be told. I'm just occasionally using this diary as a vehicle to moan.

Life is generally ok these days, could do with a better job, but don't millions of others feel the same way?

sounds like you have found a balance where you can accept your losses, and also be compassionate enough with youself to be accepting that that is how it is?

maybe a good enough holding pattern for you?

love

rusty

xx

Hiya Freda,

I'm glad to hear that life as you say is generally good. What more can we wish for really 🙂 Both yours and Rustys post are very interesting and give me food for thought.

Take care & hug

Del xo

Hi Freda... I can appreciate what you say about your gambling. Ive gone through periods of time when ive thought "well what does it matter if from time to time I put a a few coins or the odd note into a machine"...its a few minutes or a few hours of harmless entertainment isn't it?? switch off from lifes problems for a while?? What does it matter?

Like you say its hard to move on from that mindset without having persoanlly fully felt the consequnces. However my opinion is that psycholgically you have suffered enough. You might not have been hungry and homeless and suicidal but something brought you to this place in the first place? What was it?

Anyway thanks for your support as always. If you just want to use your diary to have an occasional rant, then do just that. take care.. S.A 🙂

Thanks Rusty, Del and SA

You are right SA, in that when I first came here, I was experiencing some pretty bad consequences. Not suicidal or homeless, but my gambling was out of control.

I have lost my confidence in being able to be completely abstinent. My gambling is much less of a problem than it was when I first came here. But I have yet to put some real, solid time down in abstinence.

I don't know why I can't totally let go. I gambled again yesterday, and it was totally unfulfilling. It didn't last long enough. My money ran out, before I had a play. Sometimes thats enough, to feel at least I had some small wins that entertained me, even if my pockets are empty eventually.

Any way, I need to cut it out again, because its gradually creeping back more regularly. I'm starting to remember how pointless it all is, because if I win it just need to do it again.

Yes thats me Freda... if I win I just need to do it again and if I lose I want my money back.. either way its loooose my money and feel varying degree's of self-loathing afterwards depending on how bad a session its been. My experince is that it always escalates its just a question of time.

Keep working at it.. and even if you carry on dabbling.. your dairy is still a useful place to come and vent stuff when you feel like it. Your support to me has always been greatly appreciated. Chin up girl.. S.A 🙂

Hiya Freda,

Be proud that you have had periods of abstinence and be proud too that your not back to were you were..thats progress dont you think.

Perhaps the way things are for you at the moment will continue..and perhaps maybe you will get to the stage were you think..thats enough.

I do understand were your at...much like myself last year..but got shocked my coming back here not because of a major session..but because of my Dad and fear of a downward spiral. But wanting the freedom also from that inner dialouge of will I ..wont I. It only a pound..small bet...its only a scratchcard blah blah.

As SA as said your diary is a useful place...so you know we are here if you need a vent.

Love Del xo

day 2 without gambling, i think.

diary, i have something to tell you.

I was reminded today that my husband is mortal. He has an irregular mole, and the doctor referred him urgently to the hospital. It might be nothing, but its a pickle not knowing.

His "urgent" NHS appointment is 7 weeks away. I'm scared. It's probably nothing, but see, I had forgotten that he will die one day. We made an appointment privately, because it seems a very long time to wait. We see someone tomorrow evening.

Everything seems very different today.

Hi Freda.

I hope everything turns out ok with your husband's appointment.

Fingers crossed.

Thanks Curly 🙂

I'm chuffed. We saw a plastic surgeon, and he told us it was unlikely to be melanoma. He couldn't rule it out, but said its not too worrying. He also told us how to get a quicker appointment on the NHS, because hubby should still get it lopped off as soon as, to be safe.

Soooo relieved!

Hi Freda. Apologies for not being around for support. I've just read back to the beginning of April. So many different emotions and views. I'm not sure what to tell you. I know, I can't do what you and some others are doing. If I gambled just a little bit, I wouldn't be able to stop. Only you can decide what is best for you. For me, the way you are living, would be too dangerous. I could say, my angel is stopping me from gambling, when the truth is, I am stopping me from it. I chose to not gamble today. I cannot imagine putting that misery back into my life. I think about it sometimes. I think, hey, you've been off for so long, surely you could have one night of fun. NOPE! It would be disasterous. I cannot gamble because I cannot stop. I pray that you can. Each of us have to find our own way to dealing with this. Sending love and hugs. God Bless. xx

Hiya (((Freda))

Just catching up with your diary and I'm so glad that all seems good with hubby. I'm sure you feel so relieved.

Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful message after my moment of madness. All okay my end here...and I hope all is good for you.

Keep in touch 🙂

Love Del xo

thank you sabine and Del,

been away for a few days ( not in chokey ) and feeling a bit glum that real life starts again this morning!

I absolutely do need to get to complete non gambling, if nothing else, it is just a complete waste of money. Well, I've had a week without, so will try to keep it going as its easier when the association has broken a bit.

Hope everyone out there finds their way through today without too many bumps and scrapes.

Hi Freda. It's all about one day at a time. I think my whole life is one day at a time. As a compulsive person I have to really concentrate what I get involved with and how much of me I give to it. Be it G.A, gamcare diaries, charities I have an interest in, you name it. Once I say yes to it, I can very easily lose myself in it. Even in my head. I build scenarios that will never happen, you know, things I could do for this or stuff I can get organised for that. Because I have my program and my day at a time, I can now do things more balanced. That is the key for me finding balance in my life. I hope this helps. Love and hugs and healing for hubby. God Bless. xx