HARMONY !

hi shiny

carl

Good morning one and all ,,

Away at the moment , delivering my lastest project . It was something that I dreamt up about 6 months ago , but needed to be on the back burner till I could find the time and a starting point .

I found both of these a couple of weeks ago , so here I am delivering it to the masses and to be honest the response has been good . Got an hour or so before I need to leave so thought I would spend the time with you lot , who would I rather spend time with , ummmmm

Think you know the answer to THAT question.

Anyways got over my downer earlier in the week , if you can call it that . It was more of being jettisoned out of my comfort zone , living in the real world which was a bit scary , but alls well now , starting to look forward to my holiday , but only cause I have put the blocks in place . Who knows maybe one day I will not need to do that , but right here ,right now that feels light years ahead . Would I risk throwing every step I have taken in this recovery thus far , not on your nelly .

If I need to put blocks in place everyday of the rest of life would I do it, dam right I would , I will never go back to the place I was at last time I hit rock bottom. It does not mean that I am still imprisoned it just means I am acceptant of my addiction and safe guarding my future .

In other words living in harmony with it .

Those are my thoughts this slightly chilly but sunny morning .

Have a great weekend you all, and spare just a tiny thought for those of us who do not have weekends off lol

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Hi Shiny,

Nothing else in the safe I'm afraid but bills from all my creditors, and some personal photos so you're out of luck.

Really in tune with the acceptance mindset. I think that is one of the biggest lessons a person can move on with. It's about knowing who we are. We, my love are compulsive gamblers but choose to live our lives without it. We now have a choice 'cos we are not constrained by the addiction any more.

I am glad you have found that peace and feel safer but you don't take the chance of any relapse either. Complacency is fatal.

I am sure you will have a great holiday and look forward to hearing all about it soon.

From your ever loyal ex addict, cyber buddy. A>N. xxx

G'morning Shiny,

"safeguarding my future and in harmony with my addiction". You sound down right serene girl! Wanna give you a great big hug for that. So there. 🙂 -joanxx

Hi Shiny,

Thank u 4 ur support and kind words on my diary. It really means alot 🙂

Just been catching up, it sounds like u r content and happy and it's nice 2 read. U r doing gr8 🙂

I just wanted 2 say a special thank u 2 u, because u have continued 2 support me thru the good times and the bad. And without the support and kind words of ppl like u on here... I would not be as strong as I am now. It means sooo much so thank u 🙂

I have said this b4 but u give me alot of hope, u r an inspiration 🙂

Have a gr8 wknd xxxxxxxxxx

Hi shiny,

Thank you my gifted goddess,

I am not worthy. Words cannot describe how I feel at the moment. Stupid fookwit!

I do beat myself up. You know I will. I am a very foolish man. I can't post on any diaries, give advice or inspiration any more until I get my sh it together.

I will bounce back in a few days. Enjoy your break and will speak soon. Keep inspiring with your wisdom and strength.

A>N. xxx

Hey Shiny'

Hope your project is well received and that you get the recognition you deserve......

Still doing 100 meter hurdles and currently horizontal....lol...will slow down soon.

night night

R and D xx

Good Morning Shiny

Hope the new project went down well and it's great to see where you are, it really shows your commitment in all you do , you go girl!

Living in harmony, oh i do hope i get there one day, that middle is hard to find and like you said it takes time, impatience is a downfall of mine lol but i'm working at it!

Glad you enjoyed your night out with friends and even better that someone picked the tab up!

Shiny, thank you so much for your support and hugs, i need the hugs and really miss having someone put their arms around me to make me feel better so they are really appreciated.

Take Care Shiny and keep strong

Lucy

xxxxxx

Hi Shiny,

That was lovely, thank you. You don't have to say anything else. I fear I might become addicted to you! Your posts are so full of heart and sometimes bring a tear to my eye. I know that lots of others feel the same way, although I like to think we have a special bond.

Happy your project was well received, you deserve every success. Today is another day for me, thanks to you and a few others. Without it, I would have been back on the rollercoaster.

Thanks again,

A>N. xxx

Yo,

Yep it's 2am, wide awake , but that's not surprising as I have just woken up after falling asleep at 5 pm yesterday . My mind is going at 100 miles an hour , so thought I would post as a way of slowing it down .

7 working days to my holiday ,,,,,,

Thinking about my recovery journey .

9 years ago or there abouts , I hit rock bottom. This was after 30 years plus of gambling . Always pushed it the limit , but once I started playing FOBTs that was it , there were no limits . Loans credit cards , then aug bank holiday I took money from the shop , and lost it , it was 1500 . I had drunk half a bottle of vodka , I had no way of putting it back , did not know what to do next. My oh was out as was my 10 and 14 year old daughters

I sat there for a while knowing that this was it I would have to face the music . But I couldn't . My instinct was to run .....

I phoned my sister , left a note to my family explaining what I had done. An hour or two later I was sitting in my sisters garden , trance like and broken , she then began to put my life back together .

My husband and children never saw it coming . They came home , to find me gone . To this day , they still panic when I am out longer than expected.

It was 2 weeks untill I spoke to them again .

My big brother took every piece of paperwork I had relating to loans , paid them off and put the money back in the shop , it took me almost 5 years to pay it back .

My sister phoned my work , dealt with that side of it , told them I was suffering from depression and that I was going to hospital for treatment .

Within 4 days I was admitted to a physiatric hospital, I stayed there for 28 days . I was very very sick , I never realised how sick I was , knew I needed help , but did not know before that fatefull day how to ask for it .

5 weeks later I returned home , I was still not great but slowly rebuilt my life . Took anti depressants for 6 months attended GA, went back to work gradually .

I stayed in recovery for 5 years , not one bet , not one raffle ticket , and not one drink. But to achieve this , I never went out, other than to work. Spent years so guilty over what I had done that I over compensated to all insundary, stayed in recovery but was suffocated by it .

4 years ago my husband decided he wanted to go to a casino for dinner , I said ok , wished I said no . Well partly , from that one fatefull night I once again was hooked . Once again gambling took over my life .

About 18 months ago , I became very worried about my mental well being , could see that I was getting very sick . That was when I decided enough.

Came clean to my husband , found this site , and put my heart and soul into turning my life around for a second time . I used what I had learnt in hospital, and the fellowship meetings I had been to , to get me well

I had made a decision very on early on in this recovery that I needed to do things a bit differently. That locking myself way , may have stopped me gambling but I was still unwell , if I did not find a way to change me then I would be more lightly to reoffend .

( I had a few minor relapses in the early days but have now been clean for about a year, )

Do not get me wrong. I know I can not be cured. I know that I am only one bet away from breaking this recovery . But I understand that like we put blocks in place , if I do not find a away to behave and react differently I am far more lightly to have that first bet .

Slowly I am doing this , I can see others on this site doing it as well. I never really got that first time round , it was all about keeping myself well, I used to say that to myself everyday . Keeping myself well meant doing everything I could to avoid temptation. But for me it also meant living in fear . 5 years of fear .

So yes I am sad for dept and everything that went with it when I relapsed last time , but I no longer live in fear ,

The penny has now dropped I now understand recovery is so much more than not having a bet,every day I no longer say I must keep myself well. I know I am well , what I need to do now is everyday strive to improve my life to stay well .

Today my mental health is probably the best it has been in for 15 years , would that of happened without my last relapse I do not think so. I hope that the changes I have made and continue to make will be enough to see me never relapse again , but for now we only have today , today I will not bet , today I will continue to strive to improve myself , today I will carry on down the middle lane gaining strength to deal with what ever life throws at me next .

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Truly remarkable and inspirational. You've come so far Shiny, been through so much to reach this point of calmness. What a journey. I firmly believe that you have to go through and experience turmoil before you can reach and appreciate true inner serenity. There is a niggle in all CG's heads 'will I self destruct again' but I think you never will Shiny. You've reached a point of understanding, you know about action and consequences. I feel that one journey for you is ending and a new, even more rewarding journey is about to begin.

Take care Shiny, you sound great at the moment, even though your body clock is more in tune with Outer Mongolia than the UK.

Steve

Shiny that last post is the best I have ever read on here and has given me such a lift. To see someone understand this addiction for what it is worth. Getting on with it. Recovery is more than staying away from a bet. Moving forward is so key to recovering. You have been blessed in so many ways and each day unfolds more. Really pleased for you wholeheartedly. Take care!

Hiya Shiny

Just read your post and am so glad that you wrote it as it really does show how far you have come in your journey.

I know you have been to some really dark places in you reovery and you know,the more I read about gambling the more I see its really not about the money.

The money is what brings it all to a head but its whats going on underneath is where the real hurt and pain is.

I know that on here and in meetings its all about personal responsibility and you Shiny are a testament to that... but your reasons for becoming so depressed are also valid and I hope you don't shoulder total responsibility for things that are not in your rucksack and belong to others : )

Your an inspiration Shiny....keep twinkling and looking forward to that relaxing break...

You deserve it and even if you did nothing all day...you still deserve it..for just being you.

R and D xx

Shiny,

Reading that post should be enough to inspire any compulsive gambler to realise there is a light.

Today my dear dear friend I offer you some chocolate to share, as humbled and deeply inspired it is well more than deserved, thanks for sharing.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Shiny,

It is an age since I posted on you diary, I think you may even have a been a little dusty on my last visit but your post early this morning has kick started me into action.

You beautifully and eloquently decribe the real link for many CG between their addictions and their mental health. It is an incredibly raw subject with only a flap of transparent skin covering the wound for many, but you deal with it sensitively and in a most humble manner.

When many of us start our recoveries we think (as I did as well) that because many of our problems are caused by gambling that by ceasing to gamble will cure our minds. Instead of course it is closer to being the other way around, those little baby gamble free steps that we take mean each day we can increase our stride, we can reach destinations we could never have dreamed of and although it may sometimes seem that it takes forever, we can get better, we can't be cured but we can defeat these monstrous addictions.

I salute you Shiny, stride on

Paulds