HARMONY !

Hi Shiny,

I'm catching up on diaries today. I loved reading your last post. I have a long way to go but, feel I am on a similar path. I too for many years stuck my head in the sand jumped from addiction to addiction. It was like a revolving door -- never ending, or so it seemed. I never really made the connections before and am now just beginning to realize as you said, how important that is to maintaining that abstinence. For me abstinence is imperative but, not in itself enough. If I don't make those important connections I will no doubt find something else to get obsessive about. And, it never seems to be eating whole foods and exercise. I often wondered why I cannot get addicted to those things?? lol! Anyway, you are doing brilliant work my friend and it is an honor to be walking this road with you. -joanxxxxx

Yo,

TBH The shiny one ain't doing so well today .

Dad has deteriorated over the last few days, taken 5 days emergency holiday to try to plan our next course of action .

He has this morning decided that maybe he should go into a hospice . Cos I can not give him the care he needs . This is a good thing as he came to this decision himself and was not forced into it .

We need to talk to the Macmillan nurse tomorrow to see what our options are .

Short term it is doable long term not so sure .

Honestly feel a bit of a failure , he so much wanted to stay here , but today he feels he needs oxygen , the doctor refused on Fruday , and I am powerless to magic some up .

Thoughts of gambling zero , thoughts of getting rat arsed massive . Lol

Have to keep myself in check here , I am doing all I can .

The problem a big one with this I feel is life expectancy , no one can tell you .

As you try to make decisions it like working out how long is a piece of string 🙁

Sorry dear reader to write such a morose post .

And feel I need to add , I love my dad , he is the bestest bloke in the world , but seeing the humiliation , the loss of independence is heart renching. Today he is peeing in a bucket because he can not make it upstairs:-(

Today he decided to sign a no resuscitation order , think that sums up how he feels . 🙁

Just how I feel right here , right now .

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Hi Shiny,

I am very close to my ex and his family as I pretty much grew up with them all. He and his younger brother went thru what you are now going thru with his mom. She was the ruler of the roost -- a very independent woman who was always in the director role when we were all in our teens. In the end she lost control of both bowel and bladder, and was very weak and confined to her bed. My ex loved his mom dearly. Eventually they did have her in hospice care. Very hard for your dad Shiny but, sooo very hard for you too. You love your dad and want the best for him. Hospice can sometimes be the best for both the individual and the carer. It lets the nurses do the nurse "thing" and allows the family to be family, a son, or a daughter. I remember my ex telling me how his mom let him comb her hair. Something neither one of them would have been comfortable with at one time. He was grateful to have the opportunity. My heart goes out to you today Shiny. A huge cowgirl hug and a bouqet of spring flowers for you. Keep checking in. We are all here for you. -joanxxxxxxx

Thoughts of gambling zero..thoughts of getting rat arsed massive....

Glad to see you aint lost your sense of humour Shiny ....no words other than sending you all good thoughts,..keep close to your diary if you can during this time ..just ignore my diary as im catharting xx

R and D xx

Really sorry to hear what you are both going through at the moment, brought back a lot of memories for me too. Cancer is a nasty, unforgiving disease. Rest assured you're doing all you can so never see yourself as a failure. To look after someone dying is exhausting on all levels, to look after someone you love dying is magnified so much more. Your Dad going into Hospice is no bad thing, he'll get round the clock care with professionals who'll have access to oxygen, morphine etc. your Dad probably wants to shield you, protect you from what lies ahead, to do what you're doing must be exhausting. Macmillan nurse are brilliant, their level of care is first class and he will be in safe hands. It must be a highly emotional time for you now, watching your Dad dying and as he prepares for his future but all we can ever ask for as people is a good death. What I mean by that is to leave this world surrounded by love and care and you have and are providing this on a day to day basis. It's not easy but you're doing the best you can, under difficult circumstances and I salute you for that.

I had to smile when you mentioned you wanted to get hammered for when my Dad eventually died that's what I did. I felt empty and relieved in equal measure and glad that it had come to an end for him.

My heart goes out to you and your Dad Shiny, I know it's probably no consolation but you're doing everything right in an extremely difficult situation and your Dad, I'm sure is grateful and very proud of you too.

Take care

Steve

Don't worry in the slightest Shiny, you never made me sad. Those memories are 15 years old now and all the grief has gone. It's strange but all that's left now are the better memories. Even though the circumstances are difficult there are still moments of shared laughter, honesty and warmth. It's a double edged sword but the blade associated with pain has been blunted over the course of time.

Hope you're both having a better day.

Take care

Steve

My shiny friend.

Just to add to steve's post, you are doing all the right things, keep doing them and enjoy the time when you can, it is a terrible thing to deal with and seems one way or another it works it's way into many lives, it knows no bounds and my consolation is modern medicine does help to ease the patients pain.

Just for today my thoughts are with you, keep on keeping on.

Your friend

Duncs.

Hiya shiny

Here's me wallowing in my own brought on misery and ur fighting the real fight feel ashamed of myself and so I should , u took the time to post on my diary goin through everything u r , ur such an inspiration and always av been , u av truly motivated me today

Thoughts are with u

Castle2

Hi Shiny,

So sorry to read what a sad time it is at the moment, for you and your dad. Sending you both all my love and best wishes. xxx

Yo,

Think I was wallowing myself yesterday Mr Castle . So lets both forget the shame and take the bull by the horns .

My thoughts today have been about the greater good .

As compulsive gamblers we make tough choices to put us in or keep us in recovery . Like telling a partner all our sins . Or telling a councillor what's gone on in our lives . Or facing the humiliation of self cancelling .

Those hard steps are all about the greater good .

Today I made a tough decision , dad and I with the help of the palliative team , have moved him lock stock and barrel into the sitting room . He is much more at peace and excepting of his lot . Which is good .

My problem lay in me going back to work , I need to go back . But if I do he is alone . He is on the waiting list for a hospice but ultimately it will be his choice if he wants to accept the place when offered .

So I have asked one of my brothers who is not working to move in . And to be with dad when I am at work .

I really do not want to live with my brother , ( just managed to walk away from my husband , and do not need another a man to care for lol)

But know that it's for the greater good , so I shall bloody well grin and bare it .lol

It means that I will no longer have to take a leave of absence not that my work were being very forth coming with that .

So today Shinys a lot brighter , we have got our heads around and developed a strategy to get through this faze of the disease .

No more wallowing , shoulders back ,

Stepping forward never back ( cheers Dunc)

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

Shiny,

Really sorry to hear about your day. I hope he finds a nice hospice that can take real good care of him.

Remember to take care of you also.

Tomso.

Yo,

Just a quicky

Me and dad doing fine . Got our heads round were we are with his disease . Accepted what needs to happen now and are laughing and joking our way through it .

Hospice put on the back burner but we both know its there should we decide we need it .

These will be things I remember 🙂

Sun is shining , another day to make happy memories .

Shiny xxxxxx

Nice one Shiny, you've put my day into perspective and made me smile again. Many thanks, you really are exceptional.

Steve

Yo.

Little message to Blondie and Judy

ERADICATE and exterminate

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Shiny xxx

Why that was exactly what I was looking for! Ha ha ha love it. -joanxx