Hello everyone . . Day 7 and determined

Hi there welcome to our little haven.. first of all well done on day 7, and well done for admitting u have a problem and coming on here for help.. it is a long hard Road to become gamble free, but it is worth the sweat and the tears any day... I'm on my second time around after a slip a while ago, I'm now on 32 days gamble free!! and like u i had a problem with scratch cards and online slots, for me i know I can say I will definitely never go back to online slots as that's where the thousands of pounds always went, and after receiving 2300 in compensation last year and realising it all went on online slots absolutely disgusts me and I hate myself for it I just think wot I could have done for my kids with that money it's ridiculous!!... and I also realised scratch cards are the worst bet out there as the statistics say there is more chance of having a heart attack than winning big on a scratch card so they are a no go for me anymore, I must admit there is a point where u will come to a realisation in your brain that u are never going to win big, the saying is u can't win because u can't stop and that has been the most powerful saying for me, when u come to that realisation, one day it will just click in your mind and u will know that u will never gamble again, and that is what has happened to me... I wish u all the luck in the world please keep strong, we are all in this together, please keep me updated in ur recovery hun, take care x

Hi justwant2benormal (love the name by the way!) Thank you for the welcome and well done on 32 days . . amazing!

Don't beat yourself up about the compensation. Any spare cash available to us is far too tempting . . my last consolidation loan included £1800 to pay off my overdraft. Guess whet happened to that?!

Feeling a bit down today when I think about how little "spare" cash I have to spend each month for the next 32 months! 32 months is a long time.

Maybe I'm being unrealistic thinking I can pay off such a huge chunk of debt every month? Maybe I should reduce this slightly, to make it more "doable". Obviously would take longer, but maybe there's more chance of sticking to it if I don't feel so "deprived"?

Would love to hear what's worked or working for others.

I think back to the days, before gambling, when I could spend without having to check my bank balance, when I was always buying things for my kids, my partner, clothes, make-up, without having to worry.

Wish I had a fast forward button that would take me to November 2018.

Feel like I'm wishing my life away.

But, no urges to gamble, not in the slightest. Reading everyone's diaries on here is so helpful, as you realise that the feelings you have, what you've experienced, is "normal" for a CG, and that you're not alone.

Off on an Easter Egg trail shortly, but I plan to read more diaries and input a bit more later, apologies for my lack of contribution so far!

Day 8 . .

Watched a movie with my 7 year old today. Properly watched it. Didn't just sit on the sofa next to him constantly hitting "spin" on my phone, hiding it when he turned around.

A good feeling.

Things are looking up . .

Oh God that brings back memories only it was slamming the laptop shut instead of hiding the phone. Horrible memories. I've just read your intro, regarding the debit card, can you get your other half to scratch off the 3 digit security code on the back? That way you can still use it to buy groceries etc, just won't be able to gamble on line. Some GC members have even got their OH's to take care of their finances completely - is that an option?

Well done on 8 days, keep it up. I'm on 80 days now, but not complacent by any means because I've got to this stage before however I feel so much better than I did a few months ago so that good feeling you got today, that's only going to get better!

Twinklyr

Apologies I flagged your last post abusive by mistake

Admin please ignore.

Hi Twinklyr,

Thanks for your reply and well done on 80 days!

My OH doesn't know I'm in this mess again 🙁

I'm lucky in that we don't have any joint finances. Everything is split 50/50 . . he pays for all groceries, childcare (we both work full time) outings etc. Most of my spending is direct debits, (mortgage, bills) or payments that I can make online by bank transfer. (Even the hair appointments I transfer the cash online!).

When I came clean 2 years ago, I transferred any spare cash, money for petrol etc. to an unused account of my OH's, and I have the debit card for that account. At the moment, if I need cash, that's what I'm doing, which my OH knows, but he thinks it's only until my new card arrives (which he thinks I've genuinely lost).

Obviously he gets the statements for this account, so there is no way I could or would ever even consider using it for gambling.

All our bills are, and always have been, paid on time by me, so it's only my own finances that are suffering, nothing joint.

Not great I know, but I can't bring myself to tell him my situation. I'm giving myself this one last chance, and I know I can get myself back on track this time.

If I have any more slip ups, then I'll have no choice but to tell him and hope he's as supportive as he was first time round.

Not ideal I know, but I know I can do this.

Things are getting better every day, just wish there was a fast forward button that would move me on a few months!

Never thought I'd be looking forward to my 50th Birthday so much haha!

K

It's really hard isn't it? You know your circumstances best, and thank goodness the bills are paid and up to date. The only thing I would say, is if you read any of the f&f threads, the common theme is that it's the lies and deceit that hurt most. Your OH has probably got more of an inkling that you realise. I just know that if I had to live a secret life for a couple of years, hiding something from my nearest and dearest, it would drive me insane. Are you prepared for 2 years of making excuses as to where your money has gone each month? Don't make life harder for yourself than it is already.

You're right though, you CAN beat this, that'll give you something to really celebrate on your 50th!

Twinklyr x

Hi Twinklyr,

Deep down I know you're right, and last night after reading your post, I very nearly told him. When the time is right, I will, I have to.

Another sign last night though that things are looking up . . I actually followed my OH up to bed!! I didn't sit on the sofa until the very early hours, thinking "one more £20", "why didn't I withdraw when I was so much up?", "another bonus and that's it" etc etc. Followed by lying to him the next morning that I'd fallen asleep on the sofa (again!), and then often a very long day at work, trying to act professional whilst struggling to stay awake.

How could I have been so stupid, and gullible, for so long??

I've just been reading some of your own posts. I totally agree that the name and DOB of anyone on here should be logged with gambling sites, and automatically blocked. Not difficult for them to do, but unfortunately, it will never happen, as (sadly) their businesses would suffer a dramatic loss.

Take care and keep up your winning streak . . you've been through a lot from what I've read, and you're doing amazing!

K X

ps At least my OH has a smile on his face this morning 😉

Today will be another good day . .

Do you know that's when I started to feel on top of things too, when I was able to keep pretty much to a normal sleep pattern. Goodness knows how I managed to function properly and hold down my job on 2 or 3 hours sleep a night. Your description of 'just another 20 or just 1 more bonus spin' fits my old thought patterns to a tee and quite honestly makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach at the memory of it.

I know my post about the mass blocking by name and DOB sounds quite simplistic to some, but do you know what? My mum put the sharp knives out of my reach when I was a child, and I never cut myself on them. I may not have understood the complexities, and probably was still curious as to why I wasn't allowed to go near that high up drawer, but the fact that it was high up and had a clip on, meant that I couldn't get to the contents so that was that. It would be the same with blocking access to opening online accounts.

I'm so pleased you've had a re-think of telling your OH, as you haven't put the family in dire straights regarding bills etc what you'll be doing in effect is asking for his help with a problem. He would much rather know about it I'm sure, and would probably be horrified at the thought that you were going through something that you felt you weren't able to talk to him about. I won't ask what put a smile on his face this morning, lol!

You sound really positive today, and on day 9 too - high 5! Hope little man is enjoying his Easter eggs and you too, have a super Easter. Looking forward to your double figures tomorrow!

Twinklyr x

Hi Twinklyr,

Just to clarify, his smile was from last night, actually joining him in bed before he was fast asleep (((blushes))).

Struggling a little bit just now and thinking it's a good thing I don't have a debit card at the moment. I'm on my own in an empty house and climbing the walls!

I do have a credit card with some money available, but wouldn't ever contemplate using a credit card for gambling, that just seems wrong! Quite happy to have transferred money from them to my bank regularly over the last 5 years though. How ironic is that?!

But, I've come on here instead, and read through a few of the f&f posts. Really brings home the reality of it all, and of the pain and destruction this horrible addiction causes.

Well done to everyone still winning 🙂 We can all beat this!!

K x

So, I think getting your OH to scratch off the 3 digit security code when your new debit card comes is going to be a good option for you, if you had it today, even if it was sat in an unopened envelopte, the temptation would be there. I'm ashamed to say I used any means possible at my worst, credit card, pay day loan (sick feeling coming on again). If you close all the doors, you can't get in. Blocking software, whatever it takes. Well done for coming on here though instead of giving in to temptation. Reading the f & f is really quite sobering isn't it?

Onwards and upwards though! You're still winning because you're not giving in.

Twinks x

Thank you, and again . . you're absolutely right. An unopened envelope would not have stopped me today 🙁

Sat here now in floods of tears, I think the realisation has just hit me that I'm not as strong as I thought I was, and that this is going to be a long, tough battle.

But I will win!!

xx

I'm sorry 🙁 but pleased too, you sound very much like me, I was in denial as to how bad my addiction was so please don't go down the road I trod. I haven't done it myself, but many on here have gone to counselling or to GA or even both. The counselling is free, there's a link at the top of the page or you could even call GamCare and they can help arrange it. I booked it, but chickened out of going at the last minute, I am far from the perfect role model! I could be wrong but I don't think you're in that deep of a hole that you need debt management, however this is something I did do, I went with Payplan and they are absolutely fantastic, so if you need to, do it!

You will do it, you are doing it - proud to be a fellow quitter with you! Now dry your tears and start thinking about how you're going to tell your other half. I'll be with you in spirit when you do (even if I am basting the roasties at the time!)

xx

Hi again kaza, u seem like your struggling at the minute... i really know how u feel about wanting to fast forward to 2018, iv thought it all the time, im the same with trying to save im always rushing it, we really have to have patience and will power to get through it.. all i can advise is try not to think about the debt getting paid off all the time try and focus on your life at present and that someone out there would love to have your life, as theirs is 10 times worse and they havent even got a roof over there heads!... i know its hard to think like this but try it as it sometimes works for me when i am down, i also watch programs like benefit street or life on the dole, these programs also make me realise how much i do have and how my life is fantastic compared to theirs... you will get on the straight and narrow again i promise, its just gonna take time and determination.. i know my days have flown by as iv not been thinking about them and gradually i have a bit of savings for emergencys etc, which i thought would never happen, but trust me your time will come, and just think how much u will appreciate it. x 🙂 x