Hello everyone . . Day 7 and determined

Hi CW,

Thanks for your reply. I do appreciate everyone has different views, and I'm grateful for the support of people with different experiences. I've read back over your own diary and you've been through a lot, and I totally get why you feel the way you do.

You seem to be doing a great job supporting your husband, he's a lucky man!

I'm not insulted, but I do have to admit that one of my weaknesses is not liking being told what to do, so I apologise if I didn't take your response as it was intended.

Look forward to chatting more . .

K x

Coming up to my half century so thought I'd post a quick update. I come on here daily, and although I don't post, just reading other people's diaries and posts is such a big help and keeps me going and feeling positive!

A lot has happened since my last post. After a couple of relapses (relatively small but relapses nonetheless) soon after my last post, I've been to the doctors & am on medication for depression, have spoken to my partner (who was relieved more than anything as he thought he'd done something wrong!), have paid around £2k off my debts over the last 3 or 4 months, and have negotiated myself a pay rise (not huge, but enough to give me that extra bit of spending money each month). I'm also off the ecigs, which I'd been using for a couple of years or so, after smoking for over 30 years!

So things are definitely looking up!!

One thing I found has really helped change my mindset was reading Allen Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Gambling", which puts everything in a whole new perspective & I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who's struggling.

I still have a long way to go, and still have bad days, but there are so many positives (in no particular order):

1. Seeing the debt reduce, slowly but surely
2. Not waking up to the slow realisation of blowing more money I didn't have the previous night . . again
3. Not having to constantly juggle finances to make sure I don't miss any payments
4. Not checking my bank balance every hour! (Although I still find myself doing this sometimes!)
5. Not seeing pages and pages of gambling debits on my online statements
6. Not going to work half asleep, and looking forward to lunchtime so I can sit in my car and try and win some back
7. Being able (or should I say willing?) to buy my little man a small treat when we're out shopping
8. Spending quality time with my other half and kids, and not looking for excuses to have time on my own

I'm trying not to get complacent . . I know how easy it is to be drawn back in, I've been there, but just wanted to share a bit of positivity!

Hope everyone is having a good day today! 🙂

Today, I will not gamble!

K x

What a great positive post to start my day. So pleased things are going in the right direction it feels like telling you partner was the turning point. Others who are resisting doing this as you did for a while should read this diary to see it can help.

KTF

Agree Oldham, getting support can be a valuable tool in recovery and staying gamble free

Hi K, Your name change passed me by, sorry! Just a quick post to say I'm so pleased that you told you OH, I knew it would be a relief (in much the same way as self excluding is), no more dark corners for the b*****d addiction to hide in. You're doing brilliantly with a nice milestone on the horizon. Everything is coming together it seems. I wish I could give up the cigs, I'm a one battle at a time kind of person (which is my way of giving myself a free pass to continue smoking, of course I realise this! Lol!)

You sound like a different person to the broken one who posted back in March, I expect your children and OH think the same. You've inspired me today to get the Alllen Carr book, others have mentioned it so I'm going to bite the bullet and give it a shot (did you see what I did there?!)

Twinks x

Day 3 . . don't know what else to say right now.

A brief post but however much detail you go into is your choice. You posted a great message on 25/6/2016 so you obviously had been doing well up until then and perhaps more recently. A lot of people have relapsed and feel all sorts of horrible emotions but the important thing just in my opinion is to consider what motivated you to gamble again and how to get back on track again. No-one here is out to judge but to help and I wish you all the best. Phil

Hi Phil,

Just wanted to apologise for not replying to your post above a few weeks ago! I was on a real downer at the time after blowing another couple of grand and didn't log on for a while after I posted.

But, . back on track now. I'm talking to my other half a lot more about how I'm feeling, when I'm struggling . . I think when I told him second time round, he didn't really understand the addiction, but I'm now sharing posts on here with him, and I think he now has more of an understanding about the addiction & is much more supportive, not just thinking she's stopped now so that's ok!

I hope that doesn't come across that I'm blaming him in any way for my relapse, I'm most definitely not, but having his support makes this so much easier, and would definitely advise anyone struggling to tell their partner to do it! Best thing I ever did, and apologies also to CW for being defensive when you told me so!

I notice that some of the posts on my thread have been deleted. I'd asked admin to delete any reference to my old username (as I was worried that someone may recognise me from it) but it looks like some of the posts were deleted too!

Take care all,

K x

Hi no problem. Glad to hear you are OK and moving forward. Best wishes, Phil

https://youtu.be/9-yDHo5pB9o

Thanks Deano

K.

Hi everyone,

Just a quick update . . just realised I passed my century & didn't even realise!

Hope everyone is doing ok. All good here, debts are steadily reducing . . . it's surprising how little cash you need in your purse once all bills and necessities are paid . . £50 seems a small amount to gamble when you're caught up in it, but is a lot of money when it's sat in your purse! 🙂

One thing I have found though is when I'm really bored (not often) I play on my favourite slots in demo mode. And once I start I can't stop. The same old "10 more spins and that's it", or "after the next bonus". I'm not worried that I do it, but it has shown me that it was never actually about the money but more the spinning itself, if that makes sense?!

Had a nice surprise yesterday, I'd written to every finance company I'd ever had dealings with that I could remember the name of, claiming PPI (I'd no idea if I'd even had it or not but wrote anyway, no paperwork) and got a letter offering £700 from a loan around about 18 years ago that I'd paid off early!

Always worth a try!!

To anyone who's struggling with the idea of telling their partner/parents/close friend, please have a read of my diary. I was so stubborn and determined I didn't need to but I think it would've been all too easy for me to relapse had I not come clean.

Blocks are still in place (i.e. no debit card & bank account deleted from PayPal) and I plan to keep it that way for as long as I can.

Sorry for rambling and good luck to everyone with their recovery.

Take care X

Hi there one day at a time.

Just wanted to say congratulations for passing your century mark. Fifty pounds sitting in our purse is definitely a good feeling isn't it?! I remember in my worst days, having to resort to a mini purse, which often, only had coppers in!! Shuddering at the thought of that now!

Have a wonderful g.f Easter.

Our Lady

Thanks Our Lady,

Coincidentally I was just reading your diary! Must find time to post here more often, there's so much support & if I ever feel I'm struggling I pop on for a read.

Off out now but hope to chat soon x

Hi all,

Quick check-in on my 200 days! Things are going well. A couple of holidays booked to look forward to and monthly budget still working and debts are going down (paying around £800 a month off debts and still a long way to go, but finally starting to see money the way I used to, ie I no longer begrudge spending on anything other than slots!).

3 digit code still scratched off the back of my debit card by my OH. There are still times (particularly when I'm feeling stressed over work, which I've come to realise was my trigger!) that I know I would have deposited had it not been for that block. So I intend to keep it in place for the foreseeable future!

OH is still very supportive. Occasionally asks what I'm up to if I'm engrossed in something on my phone, which can be slightly annoying but at the same time I appreciate that he's looking out for me and understands that my addiction hasn't just gone away. (usually it's online scrabble!)

Hope everyone is doing well.

Take care,

K x