Day 26 🙂 good news from the hospital this week, just one more test at the end of the month and hopefully I will have the all clear. Urges have not reared their ugly head yet but I have no money in the bank except bill money so even if I did have an urge I doubt I would bother anyway. The real test will come next Friday when it is payday but I have put amazing plans in place for next weekend and I won't have a single second to even contemplate gambling. I know I've been here many times before but I feel really really confident this time. I am really impressed with the number of people on here that have started a diary and have managed hundreds of days gamble free. When I first joined this site it was riddled with people who kept relapsing (myself included) but I am in awe of everyone on here at the minute. Keep up the good work gamcarers!xxx
Yay to the results & those things @ the end of my hand that shalt not be mentioned on a gambling website will remain crossed for that all important all clear in a couple of weeks time!
Great work getting plans in place for payday & yay to a holiday later on in the year, something to look forward to is always good 🙂
I won't say " Yay " as Odaat seems to have the copyrite on that one 🙂 but I will say big congratulations on 26 day's of winning for real and I for one am in awe of you for managing to stop gambling and deal with your health issues at the same time !!.
Really happy everythings getting better for you !
Best wishes .................Alan
Awwww thanks guys 🙂 Day 27....lots of housework to do today for a friend coming to stay this weekend.
I have a feeling that this time round I have managed to make a bit more peace with myself. When I have been quitting before I have always kicked myself for getting myself into this state, worrying about the debts, checking bank accounts and credit card balances daily. This time I have a plan in place, I don't focus on every penny coming out of bank account and I know if I stick to the plan the future will be amazing! I can only imagine that first debt free day but when I do I will be so bloody proud of myself - and we all want to do something to be proud of!
Day 31....a full calendar month free now, that means at least a grand paid off the debt - happy days. Had a few drinks the other night and had a mild thought about you know what, not an urge just a thought. Need to stay strong with both eyes open....this is my danger time when I start thinking 'oh i've paid a grand off a hundred pound won't matter'....and then £100 turns into £1000 and BOOM back to the beginning!
" Go , Go Shorty , it's yer birthday " LOL !
Sorry for that , I know it's not but everytime I see your thread that spring's to mind ?
Great to see you on a month of being gamble free already , where did that month go eh ? , brilliant effort Shorty and one you should be really proud of , youy right about the OH £ 20 / £ 100 wont matter attitude that Mr G plants in our noggin's because we know where that will lead don't we , simple really " Don't have the first bet and you won't have the second " :))
Have a great day my friend , it's a pleasure to walk alongside you !
Alan
Day 33 - haha...unfortunately it isn't my birthday for a long time yet Alan! But imagine the party I can have when I am still on the wagon in 7 months time 🙂
Off work for the rest of the week now so probably won't post again until next week. I will be busy doing amazing things that we can afford to do when we don't waste all our money on the spin of a wheel!
I got to thinking this morning about why I worry about how much available credit I have. I'm not sure why I feel like I need thousands of pounds at my disposal at any one time?!?! Is it just the gambling that has made me this way? So basically I have a few hundred quid on one credit card and a few hundred on another and the same on my debit card. I only need to get through tomorrow and then it's payday on Friday so why am I panicking that I don't have LOADS of credit available? (I actually have more than this but I refuse to start using credit cards that I have paid off and these are securely locked in my drawer at work all the time). The cards that I have my husband uses too, maybe it's the stress that he needs to make a major purchase that makes me feel like i need more money to be available. I dunno. I spend about £10 a day on travel and lunch so technically I have enough to last me a few months. Stress levels about this will reduce come Friday, just need to stay strong - and I am 100% sure I will xx
Day 39....managed to get through payday with no issues whatsoever. Been feeling a bit depressed (not clinically just down!). This would be one of my triggers but I am fully aware of it and have both eyes open and refuse to return to the typical cycle of using gambling to drown out my thoughts.
Been a lovely weekend, can't beat lying in the back garden in the sun. Kids playing in a new paddling pool....it's amazing the happiness £20 can bring. 🙂
One day at a time xx
Day 41...and I am ready to move forward and not dwell on the past. It's crazy how you can get caught up in something that really has not an awful lot of meaning. I'm sure most people go through phases where they think they want the exciting life and once they get there they find that it's nothing but stress and misery. I've had my fair share of exciting times thank you very much haha!!
Been handed a lifeline in the form of a balance transfer offer on one of my current credit cards which is lucky as one of my current offers is coming to an end - that will save me £85 a month in interest 🙂 happy days. Staying focused with the debt, I know this can be done and the dream of reaching that debt free day may be years away but I know it is there and the party I will have when I get there - oh my days, i could cry thinking about it.
Don't waste your tears on money...Much better stuff to be crying about in recovery 🙂
& whatever it was getting you down could have been shared with your diary...It's up to us if we read or not! Hope today is the last day of worrying about it!
Onwards & upwards - ODAAT
Day 45....debts are getting me down today. Been fine all weekend, had a great weekend in the sun but now that I am back in work the thoughts return to the huge debts that I have. Got an expensive weekend coming up this weekend too and need to make sure I have enough for that and all my bills that are coming out....going to have to move some money about which isn't ideal but at least once this weekend is over it should be a relatively inexpensive month until pay day when the battle starts again! I guess it could be worse, I could have spent all weekend throwing my money away on the spin of a wheel!
Day 46 (for some reason I thought it was 43 so I just gained 3 days without even realising!)
Debts still getting me down....i guess it's to be expected, hopefully things will improve over the next few months but at least having no money in the bank is ensuring that I stay on the wagon so I should be grateful that I am struggling to cover bill payments! I have loads of available credit but I point blank refuse to start using credit cards that I have paid off so I will continue along this path of stress and struggle and will not take the easy way out! In a way the constant thoughts of worrying if direct debits are going to clear is drowing out any urges that may come my way so that is fine with me!
Day 47...this morning I wrote my husband a letter and stored it in my desk at work. I told my friend that in the event of my death (sorry very morbid) that there was an envelope for him and he needed to contact my boss to get it. The main reason for the letter was to tell him about my gambling and all the debts because the thought of my leaving this earth and then all this coming as a horrible shock to him was just too much to handle. I feel a lot better for writing it down and he will know once he's read it that although I have about £80k in debts he will still be mortgage free and have £50k in the bank once all this is paid off. At least if I die I will know that he is not battling the debts like I have to day in day out. Writing the letter also made me realise how little money actually means and that your health and the health of your family and seeing your kids grow up is THE most important thing.
Had a go in the sweepstake at work...does that classify as gambling? I hope not!
Logically, if that's how he ends up finding out, you wouldn't have to deal with his reaction, that's all. He'd have no less pain. More perhaps because death is permanent. The problems of addiction are temporary, they can be overcome.
If you read round the forum, the consensus is that telling brings relief, it's vital for recovery and it's nigh on impossible to achieve long term recovery alone. There is life after gambling if you go for it, a better life. Nothing, nothing about addiction is so bad that it can't be overcome, however painful at first. You are not your addiction.
At least call the Helpline here? Or the Samaritans? Your post sounds worrying, you're making the wrong sort of plans. No one, not your nearest and dearest, not anyone, wants you in that sort of danger.
CW
Hi there Shorty , My take on thing's ( for what it's worth ) is in many ways mirroring Cw's post above , the shock your OH will recieve in the event of him opening that letter is surely going to be no better than him finding out now , I'd suspect if anything it would make him feel worse with the thought that you could have not confided in him at the time and now on opening the letter he's unable to help you at all ? .
Your post's of late all speak of your struggle with money and unfortunately £80, 000 is not going do dissappear overnight, so for a while your still going to be faced with meeting monthly repayments , which is ok for now but for how long and all with sill trying to maintain your life as thoiugh nothing is wrong ?.
I really need to advise telling your OH , as much as it's such a difficult thing to do , I worry that your trying to do this alone and with little support , if you told him then you could at least take the pressure off by arranging a repayment plan over a longer period of time ?.
As always . only you can decide whats the best and my concern is just with your well being .
Alan
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