Here We Go Again...

Morning Shorty & ouch sounded very painful round your way for a few days but I couldn't agree more that it needed to be out. I know you sent him here but is he aware that GamCare provide support to him too if he is in turmoil?

Have you considered any additional support now that he is on board? You have a lot of self loathing you need to come to terms with & 'losing an arm' doesn't stop you trying to use it!

I know you are in a mess financially but you matter & you deserve to feel human & loveable - ODAAT

I think now he knows he has total control over all the credit cards and bank accounts his mind is a lot more at rest. He was changing all the passwords the other night and I could tell by the number of letters he was typing that it must be a bloody 20 digit password - I think he thinks I'm Darren Brown or something and could decipher a standard 6 digit password - understandable though. He appreciated the fact that I told him he'd have to change my pay pal password too as a lot of sites let you deposit via this method so he knows that I want/need these blocks in place as much as he does. I didn't really want anyone else to know and I think he was struggling not being able to talk about it to anyone so he told his brother and his mum and dad also know now, I reckon he'll probably tell his other brother tonight when he sees him - that's up to him.

Hi Shorty,

I am sorry to hear it has come out like this but it might well be the best thing that happens to you.

There will be good days and bad days but at least there is no more lies and hiding things....i am well aware of how much than can weigh you down.

Just reading your posts over the last few days i can see how determined you are this time to beat this.....if you are ever feeling down you should read back some of these posts as a reminder.

Anyway just wanted to wish you well.

Damo

Hi Shorty,

It must be a great relief that your OH knows everything? I've got that pleasure ahead of me.

I know what you mean about lunch!! I had a scotch egg out of Asda yesterday, it was 30p. Have you ever tried eating a boiled egg wrapped in cardboard? Brought a sandwich today instead.

Have a good day Shorty.

Day 17 - it's slowly starting to dawn on me that I would never have had a cat in hells chance of paying all of this debt off if i'd carried on the way I was going and I'm not just talking about the gambling binges I'm talking about not living within my means in general. I was living in complete denial that it was as bad as it was and thought because I was paying so much back to my debts each month I was entitled to spend loads of money on stuff that I didn't really need and nights out, so essentially whatever I was paying off was just going back on to credit cards again. It's going to be horrible paying it all off and I'm trying to take it day by day and not to think too far into the future about that debt free day but it's hard not to imagine it!

Waiting patiently for confirmation from work that I'll get the payrise I asked for moving jobs next year.....wish they would hurry up!

It's a cycle we all get sucked into Shorty , it wasn't until a few months of not gambling had passed and began to spend normally again ie , paying bills and shopping without sticking it all on Credit cards because all of my cash was being gambled away , that I actually realised I didn't need the extra income that gambling had promised me but never delivered .

I was also in denial for many years but gambling does that to you , it will alawys find a way to justify itself .

Stay strong Hun , thing's will improve :)) x

Day 20....knackered today....had a few too many vinos on Friday night with the OH and didn't get much sleep but it was worth it 🙂

Did my first weekly food shop in about a year on Friday....have just been shopping as I go and sticking it all on the credit card but now that I have no access to credit I was given a £60 budget and had to walk round the shop trying to add it all up in my head so I had enough money to pay for it! Saving money and improving my maths....every cloud!

Staying strong xx

Day 21 - unlike previous attempts at quitting I actually believe this is the last time I will write 'Day 21'....it's crazy how you take away access to money and the urges/thoughts just aren't even there anymore. If only I'd had the courage to ask for help years ago it could have prevented a lot of heartache. But no point in dwelling on that now, could sit here for hours tormenting myself. All I can do now is fix it.

-

Thanks for your post allainepo 🙂 to be truthful I don't feel like I have to be on my guard at all at the minute, I have no access to the one thing that you need to relapse. It's crazy how simple it is but yet if we don't open up to someone and tell them that we need help and to be treated like a child when it comes to money then we have to be so much stronger to kick this awful habit. It's not bothering me one bit living off £20 a week. I know if I desperately need something I have to ask for it but that's better than the alternative of having a bank/credit card and getting myself into trouble even more, and even worse....losing my family. Not quitting is not an option anymore.

Day 22 - going to visit a friend in hospital this afternoon, if anything the stories some of my friends have told me over the past couple of weeks makes me realise how everyone is fighting their own battle. Some can get fixed easier than others....the main thing is that they can be fixed 🙂

Today I am too tired to type anything except Day 23....thank goodness for a day off tomorrow 😉

Day 27 - still tired! Had a lovely inexpensive weekend, went to visit a friend and put the Christmas tree up - kids were happy 🙂

Got a big night out on Friday. Half of me wants to go and half of me really wants to just stay in and lock the doors. Haven't been out drinking with the OH since he found out and not sure if he's going to get drunk and tell everyone or get angry. I have visions of him getting angry and leaving me stranded with no cash or cards to get home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Better wear some decent shoes that I can walk the 10 miles home in!

Day 28 - woke up at 4am completely traumatised.....dreamt that I'd stuck £100 on a football match (it won obviously it was a dream) but I was on the verge of a heart attack at the thought of the OH checking the bank account and seeing a deposit to a betting site. It was so real!!!!!!!!!! And a great reminder of the feeling I will get if I ever do anything like that for real. SO grateful when I realised I was dreaming!

Hi Shorty,

No better feeling than waking up from a bad dream and realising it wasn't real!

I had one the other night that I was at a football match and I was in the top tier of the stadium and it was a vertical drop to the pitch. I was clinging on but other fans were jumping off onto the pitch, about 200 foot drop and they were getting up and coming back up to their seats. Really random but can't get it out of my head, very strange!

Glad to hear the recovery is going well.

Day 29 - No nightmares last night 🙂

Three weeks in and bored of having no money already. The next 5 years is going to take forever at this rate! Don't get me wrong I am grateful to have a house to go home to, heating, hot water, food and money to pay for all the essential things in life but scrimping and buying the face wash or hair dye I don't normally use just to save a couple of pound is going to take some getting used to 🙁 I normally love Christmas but this year I can't wait for it to be over so there's no more presents that need buying.