Hope

Hi SA,

Good luck for Wednesday! its not a pleasant process negotiating the benefit thing, but bear in mind that all the backward s******s on jeremy kyle seem to manage it, so a superstar like you will find it all a doddle 😉

Try to bear in mind, that the person doing your interview will have seen some sights over the years, and in the nicest possible way - they won't care enough to be judging you! it's their job, and by Thursday they will have pretty much forgotten who you are. I do hope that came out right! lol. What I mean, is that we all blow up how significant things are because they matter to us. We predict all these thoughts and judgements people are doing, and half the time its all in our heads!

I smiled when I read about you feeling like a naughty child. We are never too old to feel like that from time to time are we? lol. I hate that feeling too.

Take care,

f x

Thanks all.. I take your thoughts on board as always.

Tough day today.. struggling a bit. Went to a different part of the city to sign up with a social care agency. Got stuck in traffic on way and then when i got off the bus it was P****** it down and i couldnt find the flippin place and what did i see all around me??.. arcades, bookies, bars... and all the other places you find in run down parts of town.

My o my did i want to go in for some comfort at the machines in the warm and in the dry but i didn't. I just got the bus and i went home. I feel safe now am home. Cold and wet and having acheived nothing really BUT i didn't gamble. I didn't gamble.

I need to think ahead really for the next time.. cos I had £50 in my pocket which was going to be payment for an enhanced CRB check and i also had my cash card. I'd simply forgotten to leave it at home. The devil was really teasing me today. Thankfully I was ok though. I am being more careful from now on.. back to basics. I know i'm vulnerable. It only takes one f*** up to be trully in the s**t.

Another thing I realise about today is that I don't want to go back into social care. i did it for a decade amd more and it was during that time that my addiction took hold. I don't have the emotional resources at the moment to be able to cope with other peoples emotional demands. It doesnt make any sense to go back to what i did before and i think the only reason i went to sign up today is because am pamicking a little bit. But I don't have to panick. I have a roof over my head I am not in financial crisis and all being well I will be able to sign on and get a few pointers with job search tomorrow. I am ok.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

P.s 17 days since i last gambled.

Hi S.A

Just been catching up with your diary, you said in your last post you had achieved nothing really yesterday...Well i think just you resisting gambling after the tough few weeks that you have had is a great achievement in itself.. So well done mate for resisting them urges..

As we all know when things are tough it is oh so easy to escape from it all and revert back to our old ways. Keep on your toes, and keep your guard up.

I'm sure on the job front, you will in time find something suitable and something you enjoy doing.

Hang in there mate

All the best

Thanks Lb.. Day 18 gambling free is here..

... and yes I will keep my guard up. I will make this another positive gamble free day.. S.A

Well done on resisting the urges yesterday SA, be proud of yourself. Time is a great healer and leveller, you WILL turn it around as you have abstained for long periods of time before, but also important is take each day as it comes, ODAAT is so true. I used to thinkt hat was just some bulls**t counselling philosophy, but it really is the only way to approach this fight

Take Care

Blues

you could ve but you DIDNT... enough said...well done that diary 😉

Thanks.. I kinda need all the support I can get at the moment. You know how sometimes you get a bit insight into why you gamble?? .. and today am having that bit of insight. I gamble when i stop talking. I gamble when I surpress my feelings. I gamble when i deny my feelings. I gamble when i try to convince myself that everything is ok.. when its clearly not. I gamble when i try to work evrything out in myself. Thast what led to my last gambling episode. I stopped talking, gambled and then resigned from my job. I resigned from my job because my job was working with addicted gamblers. I was never going to mention that.. but today has been one of those seminal moments..

... I went to my jobseekers interview.. and i could feel myself just starting to lose it... why did you resign from your job? What health grounds? Did i approach my doctor before i resigned?... fill this form fill that form.. an adjudicator will decide after the presentation of factual evidence.. and so on. I managed to hold myself together till i got home and then promptly burst into ttears and havent been able to stop blubbing since.. my addition got me cos i stopped talking.. simple as really.

For years suggesting to others that the bottom line to stopping gambling is dealing with emotions positively.. and yet in myself I didn't see that i'd stopped talking myself.. focus on everybody else except myself. I thought I was getting better sadly i was wrong. My addiction keeps bringing me to my knees and here i am again.

...crying is natures way of healing.. how many times have i said that to others.. for f*** sake.. why am i such an emotional f*** up... geee Today I will not gamble.. day 18.. am off to get some support.... o bloody hell... am tired of all this... f*****g hgell.. S.A

Support on here mate you can do it 🙂

Thanks wp... just been typing for england on netline.. I will survive

Hi S.A. was very good to meet you in chat today. There's very little I can say to you that you won't have heard yourself telling others to use as the best way forward, so I wont even try.

All I would point out to you, is that there is support for you, both here and elsewhere, and none of us can do more than our very best, One Day At A Time. Sometimes worth reminding ourselves of that I think.

My thoughts and support are with you at what is clearly a difficult time for you. You are not alone in this battle with the gambling 'gremlins' !! And that's another thing worth reminding ourselves of too, we are not unique with having this addiction.

Keep The Faith

Thanks lincsman.... onwards and forwards.... deep breaths....

S.A

Just read all the latest posts on your diary.

Hell, this gambling thing has some sinister consequences for us that are afflicted by the evil addictive disease.

You are among friends on here, people that understand how it can get us into such a bloody mess.

OK, so you have to get a new job, put the positive hat on, its all you can do. Stay strong and do not gamble and things will work out.

I'll be keeping an eye on your diary and hope to see you getting stronger every day.

You can and will come through this and be a much srtonger and better person after you have!

Keep your chin up.

David

Day 19.. no gambling.. slept well surprisingly... I was probably exhausted from yesterday. Anyway as soon as my concious mind reminded me of where I am at... the knot of anxiety grew rapidly. That propelled me out of bed. Onwards and upwards and forwards.... S.A

Hey SA, great achievement Day 19, well done. I found this helped me early on, might be different from you but maybe worth a try. Get into the bathroom, spruce yourself up, put on your best clothes, take pride in yourself and go for a long walk. Take in everything around you, good and bad and generally just watch life. Its amazing, i'm not much of a religious person, but the world is an amazing place. I actually spent about 2 hours just sitting on a park bench (something I have never done in my life, especially when gambling as I was always rushing around, mind racing). It worked for me mate and you may read this and say, Blues, thats not for me, but I really wish you the best

Take Care

Blues

Hi Blues.. and thank for dropping in. i totally undertsnad what you mean. Running in nature does it for me.. sitting on a park bench a little chilly at the moment but i understand about the mind racing thing and the need to slow down...

.. things are ok at this moment in time.. some progress made on job search.. am generally being pro-active. if i just sat and did nothing indoors.. id go potty... no gambling problems.. am out running soon.. S.A