Hope

Day 12.. no gambling.

Hi Del... yes long time.. lovely to hear from you.. 🙂 sounds like your feeling focussed and moving forward... good for you! 🙂 Like you say, we are all a work in progress one day at a time.

As far as my job goes.. yes it was emotionally toxic I guess.. not the work itself but everything else... psycholgically i became quite unwell. And in the end I became so frustrated and so stuck in a rut and miserable and depressed that something had to give. In all honest am surprised that i wasn't gambling regularly for along time. But i wasnt you know. My history shows that it remains a rare event that i reach out for my comfort blanket called gambling.

Now that i have left I can feel the relief even if it is timged with worry about the future. If I could find myself a steady job that doesnt do my head in then I geneuinely feel I will be fine as far as not gambling goes. This mya not be easy though.

I am having a healthy dose of realism at the moment. I woke up feeling proactive so was out early. Went to a job agency. Of course they ask me what sort of work I want to do. I say.. admin, customer service, reception. I think I said this cos i like the idea of stable hours in cosy warm office with like minded others. But then they say "are you proficient with word, excel, powerpoint etc etc".. and am not... so thats that really.

Am brimming with experince of helping and supporting people hands on and listening and counselling type stuff.. so realsitically that the direction i continue with.. though the thiong that worries me is that I end up in another emotionally very draining job that saps my life force from me. The good thing about temping though is that if i don't like it I can find something else. And at the moment as long as i don't empty my bank account into gambling I don't just have to try and find anything.. I have a little time at the moment before the money situation starts to get tight.

All the benefit application stuff goes in tomorrow. I have to do it. I dont want to but needs must. I feel a little like I have failed. I will have to explain at my jobseeker intterview the circumstances why i resigned. Am sure i will feel like a little boy being told off. The reality is that I lost my job because I am a gambling addict.. yet again in life I am feeling the consequnces of my actions.. but I am coping i am mentally sttronger than i use to be and i am using some support which is the crucial difference between now and my past. I will cope.

I remain committed to a gambling free lifestyle. Its just that its not easy. Even now despite everything "thoughts persist" of the odd lottery ticket the odd scratch card with a bar of chocolate. That immature belief that with a little scratch my financial problems will be over and I can spend my time pottering around doing what i do.. "a man that does lunch". I havent bought a lottery ticket or a scratch card for over 6 years and yet i know that for the forseeable I am vulnerable.. until i find myself stable empoyment that doesnt do my head in. That is why I am back to counting days for now... and just for today i will not gamble rings so true. Not gambling one day at a time only. It does work.

Running is going great. Socially I am not hibernated though i have moments when am bored and listless. I am trying to keep talking and typing. I think its always a goood sign when i write alot. It mmeans my headspacce is feeling free. When am feeling depressed or anxious or over tired or stressed I cant think properly. Today I feel very aware and alive. This is a good way to be. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Glad to see that the tailspin has slowed down, and you are making the right moves to give yourself some breathing space.

Just incase this is of interest to you - I thought I would share some knowledge with you. I know that if you start a Business Admin apprenticeship, in most cases you can train in these office software packages 'on-the-job' for free. It is absolutely c**P money, like a modern-day YTS scheme - but if this is a direction that you feel might make you happy, it would keep you busy and learning (therefore safer in recovery) and with experience in an office environment.

Its true you would earn double in macdonalds, but is better than stopping in the flat all day on the dole and it might lead to better prospects once you've served your time.

Anyway, just a thought. Im sure you already know of these things. They will probably try to sign you up for one at the jobcentre anyway, lol.

Finally, I just wanted to say that Im sorry for the anxiety provoking stuff you have to do over the next few days. I would not relish going cap in hand to the dole to explain my unemployment either. I hope its not too bad, and will be thinking of you.

Thanks for your most recent post on my diary, it really meant a lot. I always respect and value your input.

Take care,

f x

Thanks Ade..

Gee am in a bad place just at the moment.

Ive been sorting out all the benefit stuff today which given my feelings of shame.. aint easy to follow through with and now ive lost my bloody mobile which is my contact number for benefits and jobs.. ive just been tearing my flat to pieces.. retracing my steps but NOPE its gone.. whether lost or stolen its gone.. f*****g hell this is the last thing i need. When i phone it it goes straight to voicemail.. ive left a message but I don't hold out hope. This is a real pain in the a**e and the sort of thing that could send me to gambling.. an expense to replace that i just don't bloody need.. is this a sign of things to come i wonder. How easilly my mental state changes.... errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f***!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today i will NOT gamble!!!!!!

"

And gamble, you will NOT!

Sorry to hear about your mobile phone, hope it turns up. I know it's not much of a consolation but getting very worked up about losing something like this must feel better than losing hundreds during a hypnotized (gambling) session in the past.

There is no shame in claiming benefits as you are someone who really wants to change life for the better. You have been struck down by a terrible disease and you are on the road to recovery. You really want to find a job which you will work your socks off for and that is what's important. As long you are not someone who sits around all day doing nothing whilst claiming money from hard working people, you are fully entitled to them.

Keep searching for that job, just make sure that you realise. that no job is perfect. I love mine but it is not perfect. Hope things turn up soon and that you will be having the time of your life.

And that the mobile phone decides to show its face!

Enjoy the start of a gamble free weekend.

Getting There

Day 14

And gamble, I did NOT! (thanks Gettingthere)

Yesterday was a difficult day thats putting it mildly. Its not just having my phone nicked, (which I deduced when the phone started to ring rather than go straight to voice mail, so somebody had switched it on and not responded to my texts and messages) but also the reality of my situation which am really started to wake up to.

The priority of course is not gambling. Two weeks today since i last gambled which kinda feels like a significant acheivment given my general state. This transition period from work to not work to ?????? was never going to be easy but I will get through it.. a day at a time.

I can feel how much work dominated my life and now its not there anymore am in, how can I put it.. emotional flux and when i add to that the fact that I live alone and am yet to tell any of my family it only adds to the pressure.

I went to a friends last night just for a couple of hoours and sat there and watched Tv and chatted a little. I arrived feeling anxious and exhausted after the days events and left feeling much more chilled. I am a social creature. I am working hard not to deal with life and how I feel (in my own headspace only)... thats the route back to gambling. It is not easy. It does not come naturally sometimes. I will keep working at it.

I want to go for a short run now and then update my Cv with new mobile number (errr!!) and then maybe a few calls to family (gulp!) to be open and honest.

Thanks for listening.. Today I choose NOT to gamble!.. S.A

Yesterday must have been so hard for you but...

...you got through it and WON!

Well done, mate!

Hope your chats to your family goes well, you will feel so much better after them.

Enjoy your run - I'm off for one to my local car boot sale tomorrow, up the hill getting there but downhill getting back!

Have a great gamble-free weekend.

Getting There

thanks for your support s.a the way i see it its about quality not quantity in a diary...if it takes posting 10 times a day to beat this evil then so be it mate...it works for me and it works for you...i remember you tried a new diary a few months ago then reverted back to your old one....if it aint broke mate then no need to fix it...best wishes we can do this 🙂

Thanks guys! 🙂

Day 15.. no gambling

The weekend has been fairly ok thus far. An 8 miles run yesterday and an 11 mile run this morning in 1 hour 45 mins. Am not going to break the 2 hours in the half-marathon coming up but 2 hours 5 mins is realistic I think.. barring injury or illness (touch wood). Just a couple of short steady runs this week and 2 days rest before the big event.

On the gambling front I have had a few thoughts.. the lottery.. the odd scratch card etc. My gambling head says well your out of work you might not even be able to sign on and you could win a bunch of money to tied you over while you figure out what you want to do with your working life.

My answer to that is that I simply cannot control my gambling and its living in a ridiculous dream world that simply isnt going to happen. I'd also simply feel like s**t.. my self-esteem would take a knock.. which is exactly what i don't need at this time. This is why i am here writing about this in order to rid myself of these thoughts and concentrate on getting on with real life.

There is also a little tension within me. had a chat with my sister this morning.. all jokey laughy.. decided not to mention anything about my situation.. this is wrong really I want to be open am just finding it hard to be so. Its like I havent spoken with my mum for a while and i can just envision it.. after a little light chat i say "well mum.. erm yes.. I had a gamble, told work, resigned from job am now unemployed and may not able to sign on and may shortly be in financial s**t..".. Am just not ready for that chat.

Its ridiculous isnt it.. am 30 something and yet when it comes to my mum and saying bad news i regress into a child like state. A naughty boy.. gambled again. Gee.. am so tired of my periodic self-destructive behaviour. But do you know when all is said and done I am happy to have left my job. I was miserable there for so long.. very deprssed really.. and now am not.. am not depressed anymore.. its lifted.. am just worried but working at life day by day.

I really don't want to gamble.. its been the bain of my life for so long now. I so trully want the second half of my life to be free of gambling. Addiction is a tragic thing for all concerned. I do not want addiction in my life anymore. Today I will not gamble. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A

15 days, good for you! One day at a time, taking it on in bite sized chunks is the way to go and you will do it.

Just read your last post and wanted to comment on what you said regarding your thoughts about telling your loved ones, in particular your mum.

I had the same thing to confront, and the same fears as you about doing so, but on 6 August I did tell my mum and the following day I told my sister.

They have been fantastic! Yes, there was the initial shock, but after that just total support. I talk to them both openly about the problem every day. It's great, as well as being able to get things off your chest it also gives you a daily reality check, and a sort of 'accountability'.

With that and handing over control of my money to my sis I have found it has made me a lot stronger and feel so much better to have this kind of support

So, tell your mum, sister, any other close family and you will not regret it.

Hope this input from me helps in some way.

Best of luck, and hope you soon find a new job.

David

In times of frustration we shall become better persons eventually for it mate.,stay strong my friend we can do this 🙂

Hi SA,many thanks for the message:),although i don't post or read the diaries anything like as often as previously i do "home" in on a few diaries when i'm on the forum,and yours is one i always read,i know you have had a tough time of late from every perspective,i also know that you understand enough about your addiction to get back in to the right place very soon.Stay strong SA.

Seano.

Thanks Guys.. 🙂

Day 16 - Woke up full of anxiety but determined to make this another positive and of course gambling free day.

Spoke with my sister last night. She asked how my job was. I said i had resigned. She said I was very brave. Brave or fool hardy time will tell. Anyway must get on, things to do. Positive self-talk. I am ok!!

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Day 16.. continued..

I have arranged my job seekers interview. They were trying to contact me but as my phone had been stolen they couldnt get a hold of me.. but its all sorted now.. interview on Wednesday.. see what comes of that.

I have talked with supportive people and thats helped with my emotional health. I feel quite positive at this moment in time. As a result of that positivity I have now told most of my immediate family... so the pressure I was feeling there is starting to pass. I feel like an adult again.. not a naughty child. I hate it when i feel like that.

So there we go a couple of small steps forward. I can and will cope with change. I may wake in the morning with a knot of anxiety within (which i did today).. but I can work with this and keep doing positive things. In keep doing positive things it helps to keep those gambling thoughts at bay. Am off to running club shortly that will help to. No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Great stuff, S.A

Telling loved ones and getting their support is just one of the best things.

Talk every day, I do and it has made a fantastic difference.

No more being in the background, hiding away and doing the secretive thing (I did it for years), you now have the support that can take you through the journey for the long haul.

Did you tell your mum?

You'll know best about that one, but for me it was one of the best things I've done.

Keep it all in the open with your loved ones and start enjoying 'normal' things, you know what I mean, all the things that we have missed whilst being in gambling mode.

Best wishes

David

Always great to hear about people like you who have made a couple of steps forward in their recovery, no matter how small they are.

Keep up the positivity and best of luck with your interview on Wednesday.

Getting There