Hope

Just checking in. All in all its been a good weekend. Played a few frames of snooker with a friend saturday and was marshalling at a running event today, which i quite enjoyed.

No gambling problems though this evening when I got thinking about my difficult financial position it got me feeling a bit stressed out. There are things i need to pay and can't until pay day which is still a ways a way but there aint nout I can do about it. Gambling isn't the answer and it is of course what got me into this pickle in the first place, but it doesn't stop the little devil on my shoulder talking to me. I tell him to f**k off! Thanks for listening.. S.A

good on you for telling that little voice where to go,

stay strong, you know how much better things are when we choose not to gamble....

take care fella

dan

Loved that positive post s.a 😉 i will defo consider ga mate,its difficult with my shift patterns as well as seeing my kids,as you know thats not an excuse though..one day perhaps...stay strong friend,we can do this 🙂

Thanks guys am staying strong. No gambling problems but i did have a letter from the bank today.. a great long list of fees they were going to apply for going overdrawn.. £15 for each cash withdrawal while over drawn, £20 for an unauthorised overdraft and interest charged.

Although I of course take responsibility for my actions I never asked for an over draft facility so they should not have allowed me to go over drawn in the first place. Anyway to cut a long story short after a long discussion they agreed to waive many of the fees though not all. I now will have enough money to live until i get paid. But it does feel horrible all this living on the edge no savings lark.. I thought i'd kicked all that into touch years ago. I hate my gambling addiction. I gotta keep fighting and for f**k sake i will.

Thanks for listening.. Its now more than 3 weeks since I gambled. Still feeling the consequnces but slowly getting back on track.. S.A 🙂

When we gamble I think we try for a quick fix--when we decide to stop it has to be a slow process mate. Well done on the 3 weeks. As you know the longer you do not gamble the easier it becomes as you recondition your brain.

Stay strong because you are doing really well at the moment.

All the best

Stumper

And for f**k sake, you WILL!

There really is an air of determination about your posts at the moment and this shows how determined you really are to kick this filthy habit of yours for good.

Glad that you enjoyed the marshalling recently. Bet you wished that you were running instead though!

Enjoy your evening and keep up with this immense determination of yours - I'm liking it!

GT

Thanks guys and yes am determined but it doesn't mean to say that its easy thats for sure. Ive had a few thoughts the last day or so, it goes something like this...

"... just pop in with a tenner making sure I leave bank card at home. If I get lucky then I pay my winnings straight on to my rent account and if I don't then hey its only a tenner, not the end of the world. I can't do any damage cos I can't go straight to the cash point..."

the above is the sick addictive thinking of the addict.. of me.. of someone who wants to fix their financial problems right now.. of someone who wants a quick fix.. of someone who wants instant gratification.. of someone who wants escapism amd freedom from life and lifes problems.

Forcing myself to think the reality through.. it would go something like this..

.. pop in with a tenner and no cash card. If I won i'd feel elated and would want to win a little more before leaving, i'd lose the lot then go home get cash card and empty bank account OR i'd go in with a tenner, lose the tenner straight away and then go home get cash card come back and proceed to empty bank account no matter how long it took.

It is trully sick that so soon after recent events that i even have these thoughts but in talking about them it helps me to deal with them and not act upon them.

It has also helped to have read a few other diaries this morning to remind myself of the devastating consequnces of gambling ones money away. Thanks for listening. No gambling for me.. S.A 🙂

SA,your last post demonstrates the strength of a gambling addiction,and many new users would benefit from reading it:),......after all you have been through,and all the knowledge about coping etc that you have, those kind of thoughts are never far from a CG's mind.It takes enormous effort for all of us to move away from gambling,we can't just "flick" a switch and turn it off.

Anyway,i hope your feeling stronger today:).

Seano.

Hi Seano... well yes your exactly right. Its 25 days since I last gambled and 25 days since I cried my eyes out on the phone to the samaritans and then my family. How quickly that desparate day has faded from my memory.

I think thats why its so important to read about the experiences of newbies and others who may have relapsed.. to keep it fresh in ones mind.. to remind myself what i would feel like if i gambled again.

I feel strong today as far as not gambling goes but my anxiety levels have been high at work. Were just so short staffed and the clients pick up on it and play up and then after that I am on the big drive to drop everyone off and ive got this client sitting next to me in the front cos he cant go in the back cos he attacks one of the other clients and then he sneezes on me as am driving and its like.... ahhhhh!!!

The driving and challenging behaviour is too much. If I had savings to see me through i'd leave in a flash.. but I don't because I gambled them away.. so i stick with it. Its also dawned on me that when i get paid at the end of the month it will be only for what i worked in january (a week and a bit) which means that i will remain financially f****d atleast until the end of March and all because what...???? Well I will tell you what...

..it was because on Monday 17th of january i thought it would be a good idea to sit in the pub and get drunk and then gamble my money away. What the f*****g hell was i thinking??? Geeee.

I turned 39 the other day.. its time to bloody well grow up.. for f*** sake.

Thanks for listening from a stressed out and anxious and financially f***** compulsive gambler who hasn't gambled for 25 days and has no intention of gambling again... one day at a time. God give me some strength... S.A

...and strength you will get!

By not betting for 25 days despite the stress that you have been getting at work shows that you really are determined this time.

Just think.... what will your fifth decade be like when you don't gamble?

Now that must surely be a lovely thought.

Have a great gamble free weekend.

GT

Hiya SA,

Belated happy birthday 🙂 Keep up that determination!

Love Del x

Thanks Gt and Del 🙂

Am just back from a run, just over an hour, steady jog, no stopping, a little shin pain towards the end but its definately getting better. Forced myself to sit in a cold bath for a few minutes after which is so much better than munching on Ibuprofen atleast terms of healing and recovery even if it is torture lol Am enjoying this moment. The feel good factor after exercise. No anxiety and no stress.

Yesterday was a different story, driving all day with work. But I survived without incident. I shall do some job search later today. Driving is not my thing really am to nervous, to anxious. Its strange I thought the clients would be the bit that i struggled with but no not really. Am good with people and when you get to know someone you know what to avoid doing or saying.

Am still beside myself for what happened the other week. A few euphoric moments and they were "just moments" followed by weeks and weeks of financial and emotional stress... with no end in sight.

I hate this living on the edge lark. Where finding the rent starts to become an issue. Where I wonder what i can put off paying for a while. Where my friend who wants me to run a half-marathon with her is wondering why i still haven't signed up.. and the answer being that I have to weigh up in my mind whether to pay rent or the sign up fee.. and of course rent first! ... as all the posteres on the buses say.

Its all quite disheartening and it will take time and patience to get back to more settled times. I need to keep reminding myself of this because eventually the pain and consequences of Monday 17th january will start to fade.

I look back to parts of my dairy where i have been gambling free for many months and then times when i have messed up. Compare and contrast.. sounds like an essay question. Time to step off this merry go round of mine.. albeit this very long merry go round. I notice that 2 of my main triggers are alcohol and the winter months. I do tend to mess up more in the winter than i do in the summer.

Anyway thats me, feeling ok at this moment in time. No gambling problems.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Cor! aren't you fit! a whole hour running - gosh.

It's pants the first month after a binge, because the fact things are so tight, makes you feel even worse. Hope you are still talking to your family a lot.

It will pass, but as most CG's are impatient and don't like reality - it's not easy to just wait. But practise makes perfect mate 😉

You are bound to feel it more at the weekend, when you want to have a reward for all that you did Monday-Friday. I can sympathise.

Take care,

f x

go for it with the bike SA.... i had such a fab time on mine last week....

also going to go for a run later today.... first one for a good couple of years... so will be tough

i sometimes cant believe the amount of time i used to spent gambling online.... i now have so much time on my hands and i think, i hope that the key for me is to fill all that time with other things....

let me know how your bike ride goes...

take care

jen

x

Hi mate and thanks for your post on my diary.

Close shave for me this morning and my thoughts of your recent relapse went quite some way towards helping me beat those urges. So thanks for coming back on here and sharing what happened.

Great to hear that you managed an hour's run and that you are now looking forward to more. Don't worry about that half marathon if you have other priorities, as long as you don't gamble, you will soon be in a position to enter one soon. Trust me, having an event to look forward to is really helping me in this recovery process. I am also going to look into what events there are in the following months and perhaps enter one or two more.

As for cold baths, ummm, no thanks. They're not for me!

Enjoy the rest of your day.

GT