Hope

Hi SA

Remember it is about today. Yesterday has gone and extinguished. Tomorrow is not yet here, so it matters not. Today is most important and we need to live it to the best of our potential. Some days are better than others granted but none the less it is the day that we are all in together. Take care and hope all is well!

hey SA

give us a quick update, its been a few days and I hope youre doing OK?

Thinking of you buddy, keep it strong and string some days together without a gamble, gain some momentum again

look forward to reading an update

regards

Dan

Hi S.A ..just rejigged/edited my posts as realised that i'd hijacked your diary and got a bit carried away.Been reading your threads and thought you may find this interesting ....it might sound a bit hippy dippy but here goes...

1.Get a piece of paper and pen (not computer text)

2.Go up to bed or a quiet place where you wont be disturbed.(toilet if necessary).

3. Write at the top of the page on left side the word NEEDS and on the right side the word WANTS .

4.Really think about what it is you NEED no matter how "daft" or "girly "or not important it sounds in your head...Look at Past ,Present and Future,even if a need is from someone no longer in your life or even living. Write them down.

5.Write down your WANTS list....same process....Past present and Future...(no matter how daft)

6.Notice how you feel when you write Needs and Wants...

Is there a difference in feeling?do you relax more or feel a bit emotional with one list and tense and stressed with others.?

Are your lists different?

Wants and Needs are often seen as the same thing but they are not..I think that to find inner peace you have to find out what you need and be honest about it,even if it means you may loose something as a result of getting that need met. Our wants tend to be ego driven..our needs bring us home to our real self...You don't have to act on your list of needs but it may highlight whats missing. xx xx might sound like a right load of barmy old cack but it works for me...xxx ps ...recommended a book on your last post but edited it as didn't know if we could do that on here .ps Take what you like and I can delete the rest

Bless you Dotty and everyone who has shown me support recently. Dotty please do write as you please in my diary I really don't mind at all.. in fact its lovely that I get replies.

I know i need/want to do some more work on myself to help me break free of my patterns of behaviour that ultimately lead to gambling but just now am kinda hunkering down, calming myself, getting some gambling free time behind me, keeping busy, keeping running, getting up each morning going to work doing my best coming home and not spending money. Living day by day. Thanks folks. Happy thoughts.. S.A

Sounds like a good plan SA...im doing day at a time too,in fact back to hour at a time again...will keep reading your threads and posting ..im starting walking as in long distance with boots and clobber styleee...no matter what the weather..got cabin fever and need to get out in the fresh air again and out of my head.Despite all the posts on here I actually don't talk much in the day ......take care SA ....

Hi mate,

I have replied to your post on the other thread, thanks for this.

What you are doing to keep away from your gambling haunts seems to be the right things to do. But you already know that.

Perhaps making the right choices should be one of them? We all know what we should be doing to stay gamble free, it is just up to us at the end of the day to keep making the right choices.

One day at a time, eh? And even one hour at a time if needed.

GT

Hiya SA,

Just popping in, thinking about you 🙂 I hope your giving yourself some TLC/treat...in amongst all the hard work, and running etc. Hug.

Del xox

Hey thanks Del and yes although am in financial difficulties I still need to look after myself. So today I got my hair cut. Short and smart.. it cost a tenner I don't have but I no longer look like ive been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Two weeks gambling free today. Never give up giving up being the mantra. Am through the worst pschologically, self-esteem is off the bottom. I no longer feel helpless, hopeless or like a dependant child. I feel like an adult starting to take control of my life once more

I remind myself that my life always gets better when i don't gamble even in those times when I don't quite realise it... it maybe a very slow improvement but improvement it always is. If I always do what i always did I will always get what i always got. That saying has proved 100% correct. And its like the definition of insanity... "to keep doing the same things and expecting different results".

My sister in her wisdom has always suggested to me that I have an illness. She says that she would never ever do or behave in a way that would be destructive to "self" or if she did it would only happen once and it would never happen again. And as she rightly points out nothing I have ever done over the years has effected her or the family directly other than them having to worry about what I would do to myself next. Everything I have done I have done to myself.

Ive never really accepted that I am ill or that i have periods of time when i become ill.. ya know psychologically ill, emotionally ill (call it what you will) the end result being gambling. Its like admitting failure as a human being or something.. admitting a defect of character a weakness.

But its time just to accept that thats how things are isn't it. I have an illness. As the doctor once wrote on my sick note when i went into rehab. "Gambling addiction... recognised mental health disorder." I have an illness but it doesn't mean I have to gamble. Today i choose not to gamble. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hiya SA,

Good man! Glad to hear you are looking after yourself...could I be so cheeky to suggest that you treat yourself more! 🙂 I know finances are low for you, I'm exactly the same..but! I'm all work work work, strive strive strive...stress stress stress..and forget about myself sometimes. So am making a conscious effort to give myself treats. Small and inexpensive. A pretty pot plant for £ 2.50 this week (easy pleased i am) but Improving my self esteem.

Glad your getting yourself up again.

Love Del x

New Year...

...and a New You!

Small treats really are the way forward, roast turkey for me next weekend!

GT

Hi SA...really can identify with what your sister in law said there....

My nearest and dearest also worry less for them and more for me and what scrapes I will get myself into next and with who .For me to attack destructively another person is a sure sign I am very ill as I normally go out of my way to make people feel good.

I am incredibly hard on myself and beat myself up a lot for not coming up to the impossible "christlike" standards I set for myself.I always feel im failing my own standards and can cope with others failings but not my own.

You strike me as a person who is very self aware but maybe in a similar way to me very hard on yourself and self terrorising. That first letter you wrote on your recovery diary is exactly how i talk to myself about my failings...if anyone so much as says the word "be gentle on yourself" i can feel my skin crawl!! That letter you wrote is how id talk to myself but also it is also the words i use in lashing out when i am in extreme stress at my perceived attacker..Have to know our limitations ......keep posting and keep strong (in a gentle way) Dotty

Thanks Dotty and all.

Well another few days have passed gambling free. All being well I will not have to go up to the edge of my overdraft limit before pay day. In time I will get back to the position of not going overdrawn each month. It just takes time and patience and I just got to keep knuckling down and spend sensibly.. which i do when i not gambling.

Financially I could have been even worse off if not for the fact that i had removed my "reserve limit".. which means that the bank does not let me go over my authorised overdraft limit. So when i was gambling like a loon that day and asked the cash point for £100 when i was 3p under my limit the cashpoint it said NO.. thank f*** for that eh.

Sorry to burble on about money.. its just that its a constant worry when things are tight. Ive long since passed the point where i'd get a bail out from family or anything like that... which is a good thing, cos it means that i feel the consequnces of my actions but at the same time it scares me shitless when am thinking.. how to pay rent? can i delay that council tax installment? whens the next electric bill due? and on it goes.

And then it gets me thinking.. how ill i must have been to risk my home for the sake of an hour or so infront of the machines. Ive seen it happen to others. Get a flat, get a job, start gambling again, get a bit behind with rent, panic, gamble, get into serious rent arrears.. think f*** it.. gamble like a loon.. six months later its hostel and homelessness and kiping on mates floors and all that s**t. I don't want this to happen to me. I like my little home.

Am thinking about going to docs and asking for some serotonin uptake inhibitors namely good old prozac.. but then i think why add another £7.40 pre-scription to my other monthly pre-scription. When alls said and done am depressed about my life situation and logic says that if i change my life situation i won't feel depressed anymore. Why do they get free pre-scriptions in scotland and not in england??.. and no i don't quailfy for free pre-sciptions i earn "just" to much.

I applied for some jobs last weekend. I haven't heard a thing. Its a tough old jobs market out there at the moment. I make sure I stick with my job I have now... even though I get battered for a living lol.. except its not lol really.

Running is going well. Injury free. Slowly but surely am losing a bit of weight. Am thinking about a marathon in May close to where my family lives ie combine it with a family visit.. its all through the villages etc.. would be challenging but something to aim for.

Thats me folks. never give up giving up.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble.. 24th December 2011

Hi SA

Glad to see you posting you inspire me with every post to kick on in recovery. I follow your diary quite closely and really wish I could do something to help you. However you are wise enough in recovery to realise you have to do it for yourself. Keep going andthings will get even better for you. I'm doing well at present so hopefully stay in the groove. Take care