Hope

Was 6 weeks clean myself but broke out in the last two days, your not alone in how you are feeling today. Keep your head up, we can beat this

Hi SA, dust yourself down and pick yourself up. Never give up giving up. You left an avenue open and you took it, like most compulsive gamblers will. Please self exclude yourself from any possible arcade near you...even if you have never been there.

Well done on your half marathon....something to be proud of. Are you planning on doing anymore this year. I think you should. It will give you a goal to look forward to. Russ

Thought I might go back to my original diary... it just seems like the right thing to do.

Its painful to read many of my entries. I could almost copy and paste them to now. Nothing much has changed. I abstain for a period of time... be it weeks be it months and my longest time away being being 2 years 9 months and 14 days. But ultimately I come full circle and return to the depths of misery and despair that come hand in hand with compulsive gambling.

I am and continue to be a very sick puppy indeed.

This time I started gambling on Saturday 17th December (the trigger matters not... though I know what it was) and this was after nearly 6 months with not a penny gambled... by Saturday 24th December I had hit rock bottom (again!)and now here I am at Saturday 31st December.. one week gambling free. The gambling switch once more set to OFF.

My history shows that as I begin to recover and as i start to manage life on lifes terms I hit the self-destruct button. Its as if I cannot allow myself to live a normal life. What am i afraid of?... its time to stop being afraid.

My sister summed it up. We were talking about how am turning 40 next year (life begins at and all that) and she says to me... "do you know what i got you for your 30th?" I says no I can't remember.. and she says... "A food parcel"... so that means that 10 years ago I was doing exactly what am doing now... how quickly my 30's have come and gone and here I am still struggling to stop gambling and stay stopped.

Nothing like new years eve for this sober reflection. Its as if for all this time I have been waiting for some sort of eureka moment where I finally get it whatever "IT" is.... but that moment never comes. Its time to wake up and smell the coffee. I don't want to die have never really lived.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey S.A.

Thinking of you buddy.

I hope you can take strength from your periods of abstinance and now string them together for the whole of 2012

If you can see a bright point, the thought of a new year, new start, new gamble free stretch could and should be a positive thing in terms of timing.

I've just finished a tough day at work and may try and head out for a new years beer but I'll be thinking of you and I salute your honesty in the post.

Take care my friend

Regards

Dan

Chin up s.a youve a lot of friends on here who respect you a lot.

I for one am one o them.ive told you before how your diary inspired me. We re all just a moment away from the demons striking.keep fighting dude,never give up giving up.

Your in my thoughts.

W.P

Couldn't have put it any better than wp.

We are all just one moment of madness away from starting all over again.

The only promise I have ever made myself with regards to my gambling is exactly what wp said.

I will never give up trying to give up. That is all any of us can ever do, and the fact you have returned so quickly clearly shows you know and feel the same way.

You have been an inspiration to me since the day I found this forum, and you continue to be such.

Really wishing you a happy and fulfilling new year. You as much as anyone else deserve it.

S (f) A

SA

You have a better grip on recovery than you let on. Slips are just something we do. Can you get some good blocks in place to safeguard you from the next gamble? You know what you need to do to get back to where you want to be. You mention pressing the self destruction button but this time round you don't need to press that button. Get posting and keep on the right road. I always read what you have to say so give yourself a talking to and move on. Take care

Firstly SA you will get there.

You are an inspiration to me and others for the so little time you do give to gambling. You must admit you have still made progress. But I do hope you get to a never ending time of non-gambling.

Happy New Year and thanks for being a friend and posting in my diary after my stupid slip.

I think you are just as well to keep your old diary. My long diary also starting since 2008 it is about my 2nd anyway. I think it is better to see where you have come from slips and all.

All the best for 2012.

Awayout

Thanks for posting

Hi S.A

Yours was one of the first diaries that i read when i joined on here. Reading of your battles mainly with the slots(my poison) made me realise that i wasn't alone in my crazy world. it opened my eyes big time..

Like the many others on here, you have been an inspiration to me too. And even though i hardly ever posted on my diary as it was just full of the same old slips/relapses i have never stopped reading your diary along with many others here each time that i checked in..

Happy New Year to you S.A..

Lets all of us, dig deep and make this one "Our year"..

All the very best m8

Hey thanks buddies. It feels good to be back writing again. Its always hard to return after relapse but nobody here passes judgement. Just unconditional support and wisdom from others who have lived or are living with the consequences of gambling addiction.

Am 8 days clean now but unsurprisingly still feeling very low. In an ideal world I think I need a short course of anti-depressants.. a path ive never tried before but then maybe with time and running my mood will lift naturally. My anxiety has subsided but then am not at work.

Not sure what else to say really.. nothing I haven't said before. Its almost like i could copy and paste something I may have written in 2008/09/10/11.

Anyway thats me. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

Well done for getting back on here mate. I felt like lately you have been recognising the same old feeling starting to resurface and the pressure building but haven't known how to get out of that familiar pattern.

Mate, what is stopping you from talking to the gp about this? you said you should probably be on a short course of antidepressants, 'but time and exercise' may lift you naturally. Has this worked in the past? kind of. I see an old pattern re-emerging! keep it at bay for a while with exercise - and then...

Imagine how good it will feel to make some changes - yeah it's scary changing things in your life, but isn't going round in the same old circles scary too? It will feel so good to break the cycle, the fear is worse than the reality.

I am not berating you, but feel this is at the crux of the issue. Please don't side step it again mate.

Your friend as ever,

f x

Hi SA,

Sorry to hear of your recent woes but kudos to you for coming back on here once again.

Like your previous post, I could have used copy and paste for the above comment. How about making this year, 2012, as the year of real, real change for you?

LIke going through the whole year without gambling.

That way, every single entry in your diary will have to be brand new as you will have finally started to embark on your new life.

Then next year, you could copy and paste comments from 2012's diary!

All the best,

GT

Hiya SA,

How are you? Hug. Sorry to hear about what,s been happening. Well done on getting back on the road again 🙂 I think we all develop patterns..and we gravitate to what feels natural , good and bad, at times of stress or absurdly when the stress has passed. I'd agree with Ade in looking at the triggers, just in case there is something you haven't pinpointed..Hoping good things for you this coming year. Lets beat this!

Love Del x

Hi, S.A

I was actually thinking about antidepressants to...I believe that us cg's we look outside the box ...The problem can be controlled without drugs....I would just like to mention my dream....It was the night after my big win...to which followed my huge loss.... I can remember in my dream that I could move things around....you know psychotelekinesis? ...Anyway, I awoke and really believed I still had powers to move things with my eyes....so I tried it....(it never worked)...Anyway, the dream made it look real and quite easy...although it required a certain technique......I looked up this dream and it revealed that the meaning is there is hidden abilities within me.....Lastly, I believe all of us have this ability...Maybe just maybe the dream is connected to gambling and the certain technique is winning... winning is certainly a hidden ability because I NEVER win....Please bear in mind im 36 and this dream is kind of a embarrassing thing for me to put forward... Anyway, all gambling is bad!! Try telling yourself this and erase it from your memory...The strange thing about us is we have to be reminded about gambling to be able to forget about it...That to me is very hypocritical??.... Strange huh...A bit like my dream....

Easy li£e

Not too much to say at the minute mate - looks like we both have had it tough this Xmas - time to start again and dust ourselves down I guess

Take Care

Blues