Hope

Bless you all... am always surprised with all the supportive comments even though my own support to others has tailed off recently. I take your thoughts on board and will write back soon.

6 weeks gamble free today (yet again!).. its flown past to be honest though am under no illusions. Nothing fundamental has changed over these few weeks.. if anything my stress levels have gone up a notch now that am working full time. Though I'd like to think that maybe ive had a slight shift in my thinking and perspective on life.. time will tell I guess.

Yesterday i was emotionally shattered, though i didn't especially realise this until today and after a good nights sleep. I scratched the bumper on the mini-bus enough to put a groove in it.. and cos its a new mini-bus my name is now mud. The fact that ive not had so much as a scratch for a year means nothing of course.

Anyway I will have a good sesh down the gym today and something nice to eat later. No gambling problems.. S.A 🙂

Always good to hear from you.

How is your marathon training going?

GT

Hi SA,

Sounds like you are coping brilliantly, with quite a highly strung, critical, set of colleagues. I work outside a similar place of work, and talking to the staff it seems the same - a real snake pit!

It is to your credit that you are taking it in your stride. Probably not the best environment for you, and your disposition, but you know that already - and we can't have our pick out there in the job market just now, so you are realistic.

You are doing great! glad you feel back on a good path,

f x

Hi SA

Thanks for popping by on my diary. You jump in anytime you like and post whatever you feel. I'm sure I'll understand something from what you write and if not I'll pick something out that will keep me going. You have a very good handle on this recovery so I enjoy taking note of what you have to say. Hope the extra hours are doing you proud. Take care

Thanks Gt, Freda and Smiler.

Gt... the running is going just fine, 10 miles on the tread mill yesterday in a personal best but I just need to be careful that i don't over do it and get injured. It kinda helps that today that its one big slushy mess outside so no long sunday run. I need this rest day.

Freda... my work place is full of folks moaning about each other.. but its born of stress you see and the nature of the job and a manager who is moody and rude much of the time which does nothing for staff morale. I simply take each day as it comes.

Smiler... I have a good handle on the not gambling thing 99% of the time. Which unfortunately is not enough. A few months off it, gamble, a few months off it, gamble, a few months off it, gamble... it sets back my forward momentum in life and is abstinence rather than recovery. But am tired of this pattern of behaviour. Recovery has to be for life not just for christmas other wise its not really recovery at all.

On a more serious note... after several years of chopping and changing between Carte Noir and Alta Rica instant coffee ive decided that i prefer Alta Rica with its "bold and intense" flavour. Am off to the kettle. Happy days... S.A 🙂

10 miles is great on a treadmill, I personally find it so much more boring than going outside and seeing plenty of things to keep me occupied.

You're right, 99% is not enough. It's like thinking about gambling for 1 minute every 100 minutes. Far to regular!

It needs to be something more like 99.99%.

Keep up the good work with your training.

GT

Alta Rica...Aye karumba,...bold and intense...good choice mon amis......thank you for popping in..always a pleasure...my story there just for context only as I could be talking about another person now ...loads processed...I just use it for reference and don't get stuck back there but its a good springboard to jump forward...

Your doing fab SA and come accross as a real character and always post honestly...thanks for your support..I always do regular drivebys to see how you are ...(not in a stalker type way...LOL).....take care now.....Rach n Dot xx

Thanks SA for your kind words,i have to say you come over as a really quiet,considered and thoughtful gentleman and there arnt many of those about nowadays(no offence to any other blokes).

As for the mini bus take it from someone who has had many a prang in company and personal cars dont worry about it thats what insurance is for:0)

Take care and enjoy the coffee and apples.

Stay Strong

E xx

Hiya SA,

Popping in to say hiya and hope all is well with you.

Love Del x

Great to see you check-in on the 2012 gamble-free thread.

Hope the running is going well. I had fun this morning trying to avoid the ice on my run!

GT

Thanks all and yes Gt running is going well. I can now run 10 miles in 1 hour 20 minutes (on the tread mill).. my aim for first half-marathon of the season (in March) is under 1 hour 50.. maybe as low as 1 hour 45.. we shall see.

Anyway as far as the gambling goes am on day 50 (yet again) and its been fairly plain sailing so far. Like ive said before am just knuckling down and getting on with things.. no other option really. Living life on lifes terms a day at a time.

Emotionally am struggling today but thats in large part to do with having drunk a fair bit last night.. first time in a while. I perked up a bit when i did my run but my mood has been steadilly dropping as the day has gone on. I feel depressed and lonely and a bit panicky but I think after a good nights sleep the intensity of those feelings will pass. I hope so anyway.

Ive turned 40 as well in this last week. The day came and went without fanfare. I made no effort to celebrate it (through choice) but had some nice chats with family and bought some new trainers and shoes with some gift vouchers. Must be good to myself isn't it.

I am ok. Must not be to hard on myself. Want to cry. Its all a bit much at this moment in time. Think i will lie in bed and hug my duvet. Am not a blokey bloke am I... lol S.A

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Hi SA,

Have a good cry always makes me feel a hell of alot better.

I sympathise with turning 40 i was 40 oct last year cried and hated it still bugs me now.Silly really but you cant help the way you feel.

Blokey bloke or not your doing great:0)

Stay Strong

E xx

Glad to see your still with us SA. As for running your own your own there matey lol. Alcohol is a depressant so maybe not good to drink too much. Happy belated birthday wishes to you. Hope your work is getting better. I, for one, wished I could cry but never been able to. Not proud of the fact just a way of life for me. Take care

I am doing the Silverstone half. Never done Yeovil, sounds hilly!

GT

Hi SA

hope you are feeling better soon. I have said this before, and it is your choice....but I don't understand why you resist anti-depressants still. They aren't the answer, but the regularity of your low moods do seem to indicate you could benefit from them. They just give a slight boost, so you feel more able to break out of destructive patterns, and feel strong enough to make some changes and get out of your comfort zone. Dutch courage if you will.

Anyway, whatever you do will support you unconditionally as always,

f x