Hope

Just read some of your diary (from page 350) wasn't up to doing the whole lot I'm afraid but it was well with reading. You've clearly got what it takes to never gamble again, you've made mistakes but your still fighting and your succeeding. Good luck with everything.

Thanks David.. yes close to having not gambled for years and yet i periodically have. I intend to learn from my mistakes.

Its been a couple of months "once more" since my last gamble. It hasn't been a struggle if truth be known which I think reflects progress made. For years I was scarcely able to go a day without gambling and now its just very occasionally that the devil gets the better of me.

Thats not to minimise anything though. Cos when i do gamble it really does knock me sideways and my self-esteem and self-confidence just falls off a cliff. I must remember this when I next get tempted which will surely happen at some point.

I do feel mentally and emotionally stronger once more. Its like at work I have coped better with the stress simply because i feel better in myself. No doubt I will continue to moan about work but I also get a feel good factor from doing what I do. To some extent I like the fact that I am depended upon.

Ive been doing loads of driving all week to plug the gaps from having so few drivers as well as being a conscientious support worker and although I don't feel as if i get the recognition in pay or feedback from management I still as ive said get a feel good factor for what i do and what i am acheiving.

When I gamble I become a dependant person. When I hit rock bottom I become like a dependant child.. emotionally, pschologically, financially. Its a pathetic place to be. This is the damage I have done to myself over many years. The below was written by a fellow Cg.. it explains better than what i could and a copy it to my diary as a reminder to myself...

Compulsive gambling is NOT about the money. Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions. The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well. In the beginning, a casino an arcade a bookies feels like a safe place. No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit ( or stand in my case) and press a button that randomly rewards you.

Go back to any Psychology class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior. This would be an ideal solution, except that - like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk - a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.

Gamblers are both alike and different. We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death. We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads - "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.

I will stop there but just to add... today I do not feel stupid or worthless and as i stay gambling free I see no reason for that to change. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

"When I hit rock bottom I become like a dependant child.. emotionally, pschologically, financially. Its a pathetic place to be."

How very true that is. Not a good place for a 40 odd year old to be.

We must all strive never, ever to be in that place again.

Enjoy your weekend.

GT

Hi SA ..just to say i am still following your diary even though the days of my posts have come to a close ....have reached acceptance now and trying to live on the outside...no illusions cos if i'm struggling again i shall be right back... left my email deets with a few people..your always welcome.No offence if no uptake. ...take care and with you in cyberspirit xx rach and dotty xxx

Hi SA,

good to hear you feeling good about yourself - you are indeed making progress.

Take care,

f x

Thanks folks.

Well its been a week since I last updated. No gambling problems and inevitably my financial situation is a "bit" better than it was. Though everything is going up so much don't you think?? ..rent, electric, water... constant pressure of jugging this and that. And work is just pressure, pressure, pressure. I feel so run down today but my body clock still wakes me up at 6. I have a big juicy mouth ulcer and I haven't had one of those for a long time. Am at risk of getting seriously burn't out. It feels like am going around the same old patterns of behaviour. Its all a bit "work and sleep" and not much else. I must look after my mind body and soul.

Having said all of that I am coping. I don't feel as if am about to go on a gambling binge or a drinking binge for that matter. I feel mentally stronger now that some "time" has passed since my last gamble. Running and exercise always helps of course. But I just need to keep an eye on myself.. and watch out for my triggers to gamble... they sneek up on me somtimes. Thanks for listening.. s.a 🙂

Hi SA,

Your post about paying the bills is a familiar one for me, especially the part about being a 'bit' better off. Debt repayment really takes it time doesn't it? I can't imagine where i ever found all that money to gamble, although actually of course I found it by getting more and more into debt.

Everytime a payment is made that is money you have 'won' and should be celebrated. The journey is long and slow but we are all together in a large group to support each other.

By the way I used to get mouth ulcers fairly often due to stress and high salt intake. I know it is a horrible taste but if you can bear it put half an aspirin/parecetamol directly on it and let it dissolve twice a day.

have a good one

Paulds

Zinc Citrate good for mouth ulcers...keep strong.. dots x

Thanks folks... ulcer is getting better.

Tis raining this morning, I don't fancy going for my long run in that.. off to the gym again me thinks.

I been reading lots this morning.. found myself getting a bit emotional. Through reading others stories it hit home the extent to which ive messed my life up over the years... oppurtunities missed and emotional health wrecked. Its hard to come to terms with but no use dwelling is it.. doesn't change anything.

Am already feeling stressed about work tomorrow and its still the weekend. Will do a bit of job search today.

10 weeks plus since last gamble, gamble free time always a good thing. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

I know what you mean about the sunday back to work feeling! I have it too. In many ways I am in a similar situation to you - having been out of work, I am grateful to have one in this climate, but it is not really the right job for me.

I worry about messing up, and someone getting hurt because of it. However, I remind myself that I am doing my best. I am just trying to pay my bills like everyone else, and am doing my job to the best of my ability. So even if I did mess up one day - I can forgive myself, for being a human and not a robot.

It is hard though.....I find cake helps. 😉

Hope a sesh down the gym helps to perk you up mate - perhaps a bit of annual leave will give you the space to get back on top of things?

Take care,

f x

Hi SA ...thank you for your post there...don't be too hard on your self about your past...put it down to experience if you can ..

I had a business 15 years ago...lost 40k...rarely think about that now in a bad way because it was a catalyst for a nervous breakthrough..

Without that time in my life I would never have been shunted onto a recovery road and would still have been asleep.......

Always keep up with your diary and glad you still read mine as my posts are few nowadays...

As Freda says ...we re not robots yet (in your face big brother)

We're human "human beings" not "human doings" long they that continue...

Whats for you wont go by you and I know you will be ok job wise...variety is the spice of life and you seem a people person who puts your self out there and makes connections and a real character.

Still following your thread.....take care...hugs...Rach and Doo....x

Hiya SA,

Thank you for your support 🙂 Hope your okay? remember we are only human, living and learning and doing the best we can...don't you think we are at an advantage..we got knowledge to create and appreciate a better life. Take care.

Love Delx

No long run outside in the rain... chicken!

Only joking! 🙂

GT

Thanks Freda, Dotty, Delgirl and Gt 🙂

Well thats it for sure... am only human just like everyone else.. trying my best, paying my bills, getting on... normal life isn't it.. some days are harder than others.

Late start at work.. its kinda nice to have a few hours at home this morning and get ready slowly. It was wind and rain at 7 so hopefully by the time I step out the door it will have cheered up a bit.

No gambling problems.. financial recovery is very slow (the best way) but come next pay day I should have more than 3p in my account the day before.. 4p perhaps lol

Thanks for listening and stay focussed everyone... S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Just back from a very enjoyable 2 hour run. Its nice to be back in running season. Things are ok with me. Just living each day as it comes. No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011