Hope

Thanks for the post on my diary mate--very kind of you to provide me with an insight into the world of support care. Still deliberating what to do but will probably give it a go--at least applying means I am doing something even if it gets no further. Many friends have told me for years that I should be in that field anyway so fingers crossed that at least I can get an interview.

Glad to see that you have already reached the 12 week mark -- people like us know that the battle is always hard and if we do not succeed this time we can just take a deep breath and have another go at it cant we.

Thanks again.

Stumper

Snap with the two hour run but it was a bit too hot for me today.

Can't believe I'm saying this in March!

GT

Am getting real stressed about going into work tomorrow even though I know that once am actually there I will probably be fine. Its the same every Sunday evening. Feeling really low. Need to book some more leave and keep looking for something new.

know how you feel on that one... I am in bed already....time not going fast enough and want to get tomorrow over with as pressure on ..

Same in that the anticipation is so much worse than the reality and I know that i will come home tomorrow and be ok for the rest of the week.

Just churned up a bit and cant concentrate on even tv but not drinking to push it down as need a clear head.

No words of wisdom SA..just a fellow postee in same boat feelings wise x....(((((())))) Rach n Dot

Hi SA,

hope your working week has turned out not as bad as it was in your mind. I do think we are all here to learn lessons about life, and if we ignore those lessons the universe will just keep presenting us with more of the same.

you have known for some time, that you go round in a familar cycle - so the question to ask yourself is "which square peg am I trying to force into a round hole? what needs to change?"

sorry, I feel dead mean because i keep cajoling you! change is scary, and hard. It has to be done when you are ready.

Take care,

f x

Thanks Dotty and Freda and no problemmo Freda.. please do keep cajoling me or better still keep giving me good old kicks up the proverbial a**e!!

Like you say I go round the same old familiar cycles. I am self-aware perhaps too self-aware and struggle to break free of the familiar.. even when the familiar is mega stressful.

My Sunday evening melancholly was gone by Monday and although it has been a real emotional rollercoaster this last cople of days at work. I have coped remarkably well. In fact am on a bit of a high at this moment in time. I haven't stopped all day ive either been managing clients behaviours or driving or both at the same time!.. and ive done a good job toooo.!! I have good self-esteem from my work performance this last 2 days. There is something to be said to be needed and being a pivotal team member.

Of course nothing has fundamentally changed in my life. My slightly euphoric mood will pass and then,as always i will be sitting here in my flat on my own, contemplating yet another day to come in the world of challenging needs.

But then nothing is ever exactly the same is it. I am very much in touch with how much better I am feeling in the last 80 days since i last gambled. I know ive been here many times before and then gone on to gamble again but it doesn't mean that history will repeat itself. I am my destiny and my future. I can choose a different path this time a path where i do not choose self-destructive behaviour. A path where I continue not to gamble.

Change comes from within doesn't it. Change is not just about making practical changes but also about re-framing the here and now re-framing ones thought and feelings... having a positive outlook isn't it. Today i have a positive outlook. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last bet 24/12/2011

Evening

What an I inspiring post.

I am my destiny and my future. Wow.

Thank you ,

Dusty

Hiya SA,

Thanks for your recent support, means a lot...doing fine here and I hope you are too?

Just to add to what Freda has said....is it an option for you to retrain/re educate in a completely different field? Think of what would really would suit you?

I work for myself, and mostly by myself...and I love it. It suits my personality...it suits me being mum...and any company I keep is mostly my choice. I honestly couldn't go back into the workplace unless it was out of absolute neccessity. I haven't found it easy at times, but I'm trying to create my own life. Anything I will pursue in the future will be only something that can be done freelance. Or I am the boss 😉

Take care 🙂

Love Del xo

Hiya SA,

I must have posted whilist you were posting...glad you hear you are feeling positive.

Del xo

"I am my destiny and my future."

This will stick in my head for a long time now.

Thanks.

GT

Thanks folks.

I need to vent. Am all stressed out this morning.. late start at work and ive already forseen whats gonna happen when i turn up. The boss is gonna be "on one" cos the mini-bus had no feul in it for the morning run.. so my name will be mud especially if the clients were late to be picked up because of it.

Now the thing is I didn't see that the mini-bus was short of feul into half way into yesterdays journey and by then its too late to turn back. I texted the boss to tell her to leave the feul card out but unfortunately I sent it to her old number and i didn't realise this until the evening so then i texted her again to the right number to let her know.. and of course she didn't reply cos she'd probably gone into one of her narcissistic rages... cos it means she'd of had to have gone in early to get the feul card out of the locked office... said office always being locked of course cos she doesn't trust anyone and is paranoid.

In my defence.. the mini-bus should have been filled yesterday day time as there was only just enough for my run. Nobody should be getting into the van to drop challenging needs clients off with no ****** feul in the bus.

As you can see ive worked myself up into a lather about it and is probably the reason I was wide awake at 4 a.m.. writing on here at 5 a.m.. and running like a loon at 6 a.m.

Now it might be that i show up and nothing will be said or it might be a day from hell where i loose my rag if said boss gets arsey with me.

I know its not right that i forcast into the future what may or may not happen but just live in the moment but this morning I just can't help it. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

you know you have done nothing wrong, but it is very draining working for someone who you can't win with.

I have worked with said people in the past, and always run a mile because it isn't worth the ulcer for me. Difficult people like your boss, are impossible to reason with. It sounds like your anger and frustration is starting to build up.

Can you perhaps start to see her opinion as irrevelant? you know, that she is so unreasonable that she is more like a cartoon, and you can't take her seriously. I don't know....maybe that would diffuse it a little.

I think you know you are good at your job. Are you willing to spend time feeling bad about yourself for not being magic? it sounds like this is what it would take to keep her happy.

Hope you manage to ride this wave, mate.

f x

Yes Freda I did nothing wrong other than work myself up into a stressed state over an issue that never materialised. Turns out that the boss had got my message and showed up with the feul card first thing in the morning. All I would add is that I think it would have been courteous if she'd simply acknowledged that she'd got my message in the first place. But anyway like i say ive returned to a settled frame of mind and I didn't use my stressed state as an excuse to go gambling. Thanks for listening... S.A

Final gamble.. 24th December 2011

HI SA ..just read your last few posts that I have missed and you seem to have a similar issue going at the moment that I also struggle with...

No need for details here as on my own thread but its a classic no win as I call it...Ive had an ongoing situ with a neighbour whereby i'm appealing on grounds of common decency yet they will pull the rule book out...its so frustrating..but the good news is im not sat here drinking Pinot trying to squash it down.

Im always primed for stuff being a worst case scenario because of this i even thought to myself i should move house!

As Freda says ..we are never going to win with folk like this and need to protect ourselves and as you have said in your many posts ..I too also seem to meet my fair share of narcissists .

At least we can name this behaviour and feel when its happening to us but the bit I struggle with is dealing with it as it happens..my brain scrambles and i get confused not knowing if what i'm seeing is happening for real or not.

Its reassuring to know other people experience this kind of stuff and I know there are many..

Apparently the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore them...their egos cant cope.

Take care

Rachel and Dotty x

thanks SA and just seen I took up a lot of your dairy there before with rambling...

I haven't read that book but its on my list which is getting bigger.

I'm trying to read lightweight to retrain my concentration and then the odd recovery one can go in there once Ive managed to get level again with attention span.

A good book on a study of human narcissism is M. Scott Pecks "People of the lie"..probably up there as the best book I ever read and have read it over and over.He asks the question are people born or made evil and through his case studies on narcissicm in the family and the military he comes to his final conclusion.

Its also an interesting study on how people feel around a narcissist as one of their main modis operandi is to generate confusion in others.

Take care

Rachel and Dot x