Hope

I echo what everyone else has said. Hope you are OK and do check in to let us know how you are doing.

NT

Hi... and thank you to Bloated, Dusty fairy, David, Nt, Ronnie, Delgirl, Dotty, Freda, Smiler and Awayout. I have read your thoughts several times and yes your right, although its only a week since my last post, it is true that I was quietly planning to slip away into obscurity.

Am not gambling I might, just that one binge in the wee small hours of Sunday 17th June... but since then I had kinda came to the conclusion that I had nothing else to say. Its like ever since i first ventured into a GA room 10 years ago and admitted my problem.. ive been going around much the same pattern of behaviour ever since. The gaps between gambling have been days or weeks or months.. and on up to 2 years 9 months and 14 days as my longest.. BUT frustratingly I don't seem to have surrendered to it.. ultimately I always go back and its depressing.

I'm an intelligent man and yet feel really quite f***** up. I live such a self-limiting life because I choose (from time to time) to sabotage myself with gambling. I really don't like myself do I? I honestly thought after the misery of blowing all my money on exmas eve and having to confess all to my family (again!) that i wouldn't do it again.. and yet 6 months on.. I do it again. Ok so the ramifications aren't quite so bad this time.. but thats not the point. Its the fact that I did it at all.

Anyway am back, collectively you did your job people... so am grateful. For the most part this place does work for me and on a postive 99% of the time i don't gamble.. that is very good progress. As always musn't be too hard on myself.

Am unsure how often i will post from now on.. but am still here working recovery as best i can. Thanks again folks... S.A 🙂

Great to see you back and that you are still in that reflective mood.

You have just got to remember that once in 6 months of this year is an amazing achievement for a CG like you.

Those recovery journeys of ours will never be easy and some of us may relapse during a part of it. But what really matters is that this awful downward spiral never, ever has to happen after the relapse.

Our concerns for you were that you were on that downward spiral and it comes as a huge relief that you are not.

Onwards and upwards now for you, mate.

"On a postive 99% of the time i don't gamble." Just remember this!

NT

...Hiya SA.....

just check in and let us know your ok now and then.........

Always great to read your thoughts and catch up on where you are in life generally aswell as recovery,

night night

Rach and Doo xx

Wow cant believe im at the end. Ive pretty much read your entire diary. took a while over a fair few days but i must say well worth a read and has helped me immensely and for that i thank you, you clearly have helped a lot of people during your time here and for that you should be applauded. You slip up from time to time but dont we all, thats why i got so much from your diary, you were honest and the fight you showed each time shows how determined you are to stop gambling.

You have slips but you stop and come back swinging, i have relapses that can last months. The fight in you says a lot about your character, i know youve had a recent slip but you really should be proud of yourself.

Again thank you for sharing your journey and being honest throughout. You have helped me and may you please keep helping me and others by staying strong and showing us how its done. Wishing you well.

Glad your back SA .. stick with us...you are doing great. Remember to be kind to yourself fella!...ya hear me 🙂

Big superduper hug.

Del xox

Here, I beg to differ! 99.6% of the time you don't gamble 😉

Thats pretty *** close to 100!

You are chipping away at this everyday, and you will get there mate. How do I know? Because you are persistent, and that is the key to everything anyone has to work for.

Take care,

f x

Bless you all. I want to reply to you all but am struggling to write. Find myself just idling surfing the site, read bits and bobs, click refresh, sign in with thoughts of writing and then write nothing and sign out.

I really want my money back from my gamble the other weekend (yes i know, don't chase my losses). I recognised one of the staff in the arcade that am banned from and he recognised me. He should have thrown me out but he didn't... £300 later when the cash point said no I through myself out.

Kinda hoping that tax credits people will come to my rescue. I think they owe me more money from last financial year due to pitiful amount of money i earned in that year. Sent my forms back weeks ago.. and i wait and wait. Of course if i hadn't of f***** up.. it wouldn't matter so much.. it would just be a nice surprise if money came along. Its hard to not focus on money when you haven't got any.

Work is as draining as ever... but am being conscientious. I need to stay in work. See if i can take a leaf out of Stumpers book and atleast try to find a new job. Its hard though when ya get back from work and just want to slump in front of Tv and eat jam sandwiches. Thats what i did yesterday and then i went for a run and nearly puked up.

Not gambling 99.6% of the time is unfortunately not enough with this addiction. Am still in a tailspin but yes am once again dogedly getting back up and carrying on. Trying to be kind to myself but finding it hard to be so. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hiya SA..

thanks for your post and I do appreciate that you read my post and get some thing from my often disjointed tomes even though you are understandably a bit wobbly at the moment too.

Glad your creative juices are coming back...am hoping to tap into mine as soon as I can quit these long miles and long days.....

Take care my friend ....unconditional as always

Rachel and Dotty xxx

Thanks Jon and Dotty.

Well it seems as if I have had a lucky break. The tax credit people have come to my rescue and my gambling losses from the other week have been replaced. Am back to the same financial situation that i was in before my lapse. And I am going to call it a lapse rather than a relapse.. cos it was one event after alcohol and nothing since.

So anyway back to positive headspace and onwards to better times.. gambling free! Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Thanks SA, and good to see you more upbeat, and somewhat relieved I guess.

I do apologise for both the harshness of my message and then the deletion of my comments. However, I really appreciate your response and I am glad you took it in the way it was meant.

I think your evaluation of your slip is correct, alcohol played a major point in my gambling history. I have changed my habits now, and probably drink more frequently, but not to the point where my defences are paralysed. It is too easy to say " f**k it" when alcohol is involved. So just a few glasses in any one sitting... not the hors on end it used to be.

Stay strong.. and thanks again.

Jon

Hello Diary... thought id better write something whilst am in the after glow of another long run.

No gambling.. tis 2 weeks today.. just the 1 gambling episode this year.

Am holding things together at work. No sick days this year.. which is quite an acheivement in my line of work.

Physical health... in good shape... but still have excess fat around stomach that i'd like to cut away with some garden sheers.. but recognise that that probably wouldn't be a good idea 😉

Mental health... functioning adequately but with on-going bouts of melancholly and apathy. Continue to isolate too much. Par for the course really.

Looking forward to a half-marathon next week.

Thats me folks.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA....

just to say thank you for being there and for being you.Don't ever change....and I mean in your honesty in posting.

great to see you are keeping up with the running and getting those endorphins going...i really have to start doing more fitness stuff..

I do also understand the melancholy...and would say its my home base...dont beat myself up about that now as if the alternative is a "stepford" i would rather be the way I am.

I think your right about time and healing ...you have laid your bitterness to rest with said person and were tested by a surprise meeting and you felt fine....One day i hope to be like that ...but its too early in the process right now and not enough time elapsed.

Well ...time to go and do something constructive..."fake it til you make it" they say in AA and "practice opposites"....absolutely don't feel like doing anything but Im going to anyway and reward myself with a healthy tea....

had a chuckle at night time immoral activities...if only that fly on the wall could speak....lol x.

Life of the single resident eh...

good luck for next week if you go off line

Rachel and Dotty xx

The overall direction is positive, even if you lapsed. What is good is how much support there is for you here, fella. Keep it up and banish those blues.