Hope

Thanks Dotty and Marnal... appreciate the replies as always. Yes Dotty I am basically an honest person. I always fess up after a gamble.. it eats away at me otherwise.

Not sure i can banish the blues so easilly though Marnal. Struggling to find any real joy or contentment in life... just more of the same. Running and caring for other people.. seems to be my lot in life.

Anyway am over tired today.. need to stop writing before i get tooo miserable lol No gambling.. S.A

Hiya SA..

Are we related?..if your running and caring for people..im driving and caring for people...lol

I do know that feeling you talk of and yes...most people I know have it now and then but permanent groundhog day is a bummer ....

I have too much time in my own company and don't have the daily distractions of a household..plus I live in the sticks so I have to drive everywhere just to get basics like milk etc...

Im tying to not "force solutions" but something has got to change soon...I think life can still be stable but not boring...its finding that balance right?

Counselling helped me on monday to help me see there is a future other than the void but appreciate its not for everyone .

Not one for jollying peeps out of feelings,not my place, but happy to walk (jog?) along side until you don't feel like that anymore....

Night SA

Rach and Doo xxx

Hi Dotty... bless you.. you have shown me so much support recently. Thank you for walking along side. I read your thoughts with great interest. Its like Ive just been reading your explanation of being co-dependant. Ive been familiar with the phrase for years without really knowing what it trully meant and now i do. Much food for thought. Gets me thinking about my own character and behaviours and relating it to my own upbringing.

Ive had counselling myself.. 3 times to be precise. Once in my early twenties for depression. Not sure how useful it was.. never really gelled with the counsellor. She did all the "pretend i'm your mother stuff" and what would i want to say. We sat in silence as i couldn't think of anything to say. Years later i had counselling through Gamcare for gambling addiction (surprise suprise!) trouble is I fancied the counsellor.. made it real hard to make any headway lol Then another tranch of counselling when in rehab.. that was helpful gained some insight into what makes me tick. Not sure am open to more counselling. I think i'd become dependant on it. There is nothing like somebody listening to you "unconditionally".

As for today.. am in a fairly good place at this moment in time... not so stressed and woe is me. I had a lovely run in the rain earlier. Hoepfully I will sleep tonight. I was up at 4 this morning.. just couldnt sleep. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

I have a mental image of you sitting pouting and posturing with this pretty counsellor now , lol.

Just dropping off a huge wedge of birthday cake for you. You must be hungry after all that exercise! We had some leftover jelly and ice cream too, and I brought you one of my balloons : D

Take care,

f x

hay SA...

Just a quick drive by before work...

I also have had a few bashes at counselling in the past and again its like people...you have to kiss a few counselling frogs....suppose it depends on what model they are trained in...cognitive,freudian even now hypnotherapy ! .

I personally find inner child work works for me....but its a less linear path and i'm going this time for a short blast just to get me moving from emotionally stuck....

Did have a chuckle about you falling for the counsellor...maybe male counsellors fro now on if you try again.?

Your running is your therepy I guess... and that in itself allows you to mentally detach and focus on one thing..almost like being in a trance I should imagine..

Well lovely...off to earn some pennies....

chat soon...

rach and doo xxx

Thanks Freda and Dotty.

Chalked up another half-marathon yesterday. It was tough going but kinda fun. It was along the canals splashing through many a muddy puddle. 1 hour 57 mins... way off my pb but it was never gonna be quick what with the conditions under foot.

I enjoyed a few beers after with my mate and others but then it was all down hill from then on as I started feeling ill. By the time it got to the curry house at in the evening I was finished. Looked at my curry for 3 secs and wanted to be sick lol

Lazy day today. No gambling problems. Just the one gambling episode this year. Onwards. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Excellent-e SA,

Good one on the marathon AND you didn't even need water skis by the sound of it...blummin monsoon up here....and Ark under construction.

Dont push yourself too hard hun...don't want those mouth ulcers flaring up again xxx

Rach and Doo xx

Just a quick hello, hope you are well mate. thanks for popping in on my diary always nice to hear from you!!

take care, ands

Hello SA,

Glad to read that you are still keeping the demons at bay & congratulations on your race. I wish you all the best health & happiness. Keep striding forward 😉

Jackie

Thanks folks...

Well another week at work draws to a close. Its been very difficult. Am emotioanl rollercoaster all the way. Partly the clients and then all the other cr**.

The bosses mother has cancer and because the boss is upset she is being vile to everyone. Why on earth she is even at work.. god only knows. On top of this.. apparently ive been "playing up" this week. It seems that certain collegues that ive always got on with have had a moan about me to the boss instead of approaching me directly and speaking their mind. This underhand behaviour frustrates me... but I forgive them cos they are stressed just as i am stressed. My constience is clear.. everything i do is well intenioned even if i make mistakes or bad calls.

To be honest I could do with going to a casino and winning lots of money.. but then that would never happen cos when i gamble i gamble until all available funds are depleted.. so i won't. I have had one gambling episode this year. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA

I just looked down at your thraed and in an instant it pops up on page one. Gambling is a great place to run and hide and feel safe, it takes away the rawness of real life. Only problem is the real life fall out after the gamble hurts like hell. Trying to deal with our emotions is sometimes so hard we think is it really worth it. I get tremendous inspiration from you and hopefully you'll pick yourself up and things will fall into place quickly. If it doesn't belong to you then disown it before it does you any harm. Take care

Evening,

I just wanted to say your strength of resolve astounds me.

I do not think if I was under the pressures at work that I could have stayed in recovery a week let alone the time you have.

I really hope you get to relax this weekend or get to run if the weathers fine.

You take care , and sadly we have no controll over the way others behaviour or what they say or think .

But then we can not let them have an effect on ours.

So try I know it's hard not to let there tittle tattle get you down. Next week I have no doubt another victim will be chosen for them to moan about . Such is life I am afraid .

Like I said take care, and have a nice weekend .

Shiny xxxxxxx

Forget what Shiny said about going for a run if the weather is fine. The weather outside here is horrible but I have my running gear on ready to go out.

Sometimes going for a run in the rain really does help blow away all the cobwebs.

And I have a had a few build up from this week.

Have a great (and relaxing) weekend,

NT

Thanks Smiler, Shiny and Nt.

Am having a good day so far. All thoughts of a gamble have melted away. I decided to go down the gym today as I haven't been for a while. It was nice to be around people as opposed to the long run in the great out doors on my own. I enjoy both but sometimes I want the company.. the little chats with folk.. and the relaxation in the sauna, spa pool etc. I will do an outside run tomorrow.

No talk of work today.. am chilling. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Just the one gambling episode this year.

HI SA,

Good to see you are still going strong : )

thanks for your comment on my diary, I do know I am very lucky, and never discount that for a second. This recent job loss just taps into some very painful feelings of failure and inadequacy, it is the deep rooted stuff that really smarts, even if everything else is peachy.

No reason to give up though, we will all get where we want to be sooner or later as long as gambling stays out of our lives.

Take care,

f x