Hope

Thanks f.. glad your ok in the great scheme of things.. I know what you mean about feelings of failure and inadequacy. I feel very on the edge in my job. I think I do a good job but I don't get any positive empowering feedback at all. Over time it chips away at my confidence and I start to feel as if I am s**t at my job and i'm just deluded to think otherwise. I rather think that things will come to a head this week and it won't be a good outcome for me. I should be proud of myself for going for many months without any sickness and being conscientious.. but am not. I just feel broken. Sorry to be so pessimisstic in my outlook but thats just the way it is at the moment.

I had a good run this morning though forgot my water bottle so just went for 1 hour rather 2.5... no use killing myself with dehydration.

Anyway no gamble to report. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hiya SA...

Sorry to hear your feeling low in your job...I think working so closely with folk with health needs is always draining even at the best of times...

Im sure you do a fantastic job but if its like anything I have experienced sometimes other people just like being competitive martyrs and get off on running others down to make themselves feel good.

Sometimes when things come to a head its a good thing and an opportunity to clear the deck...crisis and opportunity being the same word in chinese I believe!

Good you still run to keep your focus...can recommend a good electrolyte liquid if you want to stay hydrated.

take care and still am reading..

hugs

Rach and Doo xxx.

Thanks Dotty.

Well ive managed to get today off. I have survived another week.. edging ever closer to another pay day.I feel run down but I seem to have developed this bloody mindedness when it comes to work. Its been a year since i went back after being off for 6 weeks with a bad back. Boss thought i wouldn't hack it but i have and my sickness levels are much improved. So well done to me. Its not all s**t at work.. there are parts of the job i enjoy. For me it is better that i work than don't work... I think??

Have had thoughts of finally stopping my diary writing (as seems to be the case for most folks after a few months)... but nah i keep going. Its been a part of me for so long now that it seems daft just to stop and take away a pillar of support. When finally i make some sort of life change or some sort of break through in my thinking or outlook it will be interesting to look back to compare and contrast. Its my life... the good the bad and the ugly. Its real life. Its me.

As for gambling.. just the one episode this year. A few thoughts circling around but am not intending to act on them. Onwards... S.A

Hi SA,

I laughed when I read that you were envious of my time out of having to work, lol. I know it is a great option to be able to have, and I should be able to enjoy it while I can.

I am enjoying it in part, but as is probably the case with you, too much freedom can make you worse. I didn't get washed or dressed, or leave the house at all yesterday. I gave myself really bad heart palpitations from sitting zoned out in front of the computer for several hours without moving, and experienced quite a bit of self loathing as a result!

So staying in work can be a good thing, to stop you disappearing into yourself completely I guess.

For yourself, maybe it could be time for that bad back to flare up again for a couple of weeks? obviously depending on your sick pay entitlements and your contract etc.

Sometimes a couple of weeks can make all the difference, to just have some space to breathe?

Anyways, have a good weekend!

f x

Yo, lol

Thanks for your post , you are sort of half right .

At work booted and suited , not a hair put of place , brightest pink lippy imaginable , lol

Home , jogging bottoms , hoodies , and trainers

No caps though . Lol

Anyways enjoy your extra day off, glad you are going to carry on with your diary , I know I get a lot out of it as I am sure others do.

Rumour has it the sun will be making its yearly appearance weekend , so it looks like you may have chosen the right one to have that extra day .

Take care , try not to think about work (I know I find that hard ) and relax !

Shiny xxxxxxx

Hiya SA

Hope your enjoying you day off with jeremy Kyle...cos when he sits on that step..you know your in trouble....

Im still in the void hun..looking for that something "other" to focus on..

Work also keeps me out of mischief but then leaves me no energy to do anything else...

Problem is ..that when your off for extend periods..no one else is off who you would like to spend time with...but the upside is you can get a nice community of wise elders on the go who are all retired and have time to chat ....lol....

Hoping your all nicely hydrated......

R and D xx

Hi running mate,

One relapse in nearly 7 months is brilliant. Compare this with your darkest days and I think that you'll find that there will be huge contrasts.

We all have thoughts about whether to continue with our diaries - what I am doing right now with my once a week visit seems to be working as I feel refreshed and ready to offer plenty of support right now. I am also looking forward to updating my title in a moment once I have worked out how many days left until I am debt free. Better than reducing it one day at a time!

Hope you are enjoying your time off from work, you deserve it.

Enjoy your weekend.

NT

Thanks folks. 🙂

Ive bought myself a hydration back pack thingie. Couldn't decide what to put in it though. So many different products lurking on the shelves. To pour in a bog standard sports drink or just water or buy these powdered products with added this and added that. I shall experiment. Next marathon in 6 weeks. Determined to do significantly better than last time when i ran it with hangover!...not to be recommended lol

As for the work dilemmas. Well you all make valid points. My work is too stressful really but am coping to a fashion and I try to focus on the bits of the job I like ie... the nice work hours and its close to home, the driving and the feel good factor of supporting people and sometimes its a laugh. I try not to focus too much on the negatives ie coping with the boss and at times others staffs behaviour, the rubbish money and the challenging needs of some of the clients... and the noise and chaos.

For me to go to not working at all is initially a huge pressure relief and pottering around i can do for a while and quite enjoy it. Ive been there before. But soon the boredom and money worries kick in and the longer it goes on.. my self-esteem starts starts to plummet and I regress into my own little world like a snail into its shell. Sooner or later gambling thoughts come along. The only solution for me is to find a new job.. easier said than done.. especially as i feel so drained much of the time... but that is the way to go. If Stumper can exit challenging needs work.. then i can do the same!

Anyway no gambling to report.. and yes one drunken gambling episode in 7 months ain't that bad. I must remember that perfection is unrealistic.. progress is what matters however small. Today is a positive day. Day at a time is the way to go as always. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

hiya SA

No guilt allowed ...its always great to see you pop up on my diary and always unconditional so you come and go as you please hun...

On the change only coming about as a reaction to a crisis....I think this is the reason for this limbo as I don't want to loose anything else as its taken me so long to get level... yet I am scared to take any risks now at all in case it results in a f**k up...and I haven't the energy to cope with any more disasters or big life changes.

So ..like the rabbit in the headlights i'm paralysed,

Typing on the forum is great for me (and as you know I do it a lot)... because it gives me the feeling (illusion) of movement or progress in recovery and in life but without having to put myself up for risk and possible failure again....

Once I come off the forum my "real" life just feels stagnant in some areas and also lonely..

I know I have to address this as historically if I don't take action nothing will actual happen and it will be more of the same limbo.

Likewise to your post....my life isn't all bad but there is a big elephant in it somewhere that i'm avoiding looking at....maybe that needs removing before any new energy can come in.(scary)

hope that makes a bit of sense..

hugs

Rach and Doo xxx

ps...I'd go for Elete for you camel backpack .....half to one teaspoon makes up a litre .....its fab as an electrolyte liquid and comes from the salt lakes of Utah..

.

Am on a real downer today. It should have been a good day cos i had the day off work. Ive been out and about supposedly enjoying the sunshine and yet i haven't been enjoying. I feel depressed. I am but a passive observer of other peoples comings and goings. I am but a passive consumer of goods and services. Inside i feel nothing. Might as well be "...." Tomorrow I may feel differently. No gambling. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hiya SA...

not going to jolly you out of your feelings hun as you know its not my style...but walking along side....

Have those days too and also for similar reasons....day off for me too and too much time in my own head....restlessness, agitation and fatigue....searching for lifes meaning and purpose all rolled into one somedays ....

Can't take those feelings away for you as much as i would love to...but all I can say is your not on your own with them...

Sun goes up sun goes down .....its all the same ...write this one off..look after you..HALT .... and start your day again tomorrow...

R and D xxx

Tahnks Dotty... Ive just seen this thing on the news about happiness levels. The happiest people are in northern scotland. It doesn't surprise me. Rural close knit communities and all that. And apparently the things that make people happy are career, partner and home. When i look at these things in terms of myself... its no surprise that am depressed. Meaning, purpose, direction, the bigger picture.. I really haven't got a scooby do... just living day to day if you can call it that. Just bloke on his own with very little self-esteem. And yes i know am probably not alone feeling this way but it sure feels like it.

Ive stopped posting on face book cos i really can't think of anything interesting to say about myself. It really gets me down when i see folks from school getting married with all their loved up photos or living in Oz by the beach or going up machu piccho in Peru or my best friend from when i was 10 running a marathon in under 3 hours!!.. b*****d lol

Its a real struggle these days just swinging my legs out of my pit each morning and carrying on... but carry on i do... will i always feel this way??.. god only knows. The older i get the worse i feel. I really should be munching on some happy pills shouldn't i?? (yes freda)

i should be grateful that I live in Great Britain and am not living in Syria getting shot at or living In Yemen going hungry. Other folk have got it so much worse than i have... and yet am just full of self-pity. I hear my mothers voice... "o for goodness sake. just pull yourself together!" yes mother lol

Of course I know the sorts of things that i need to do to turn my life around its not rocket science.. and yet i don't do it. Am scared and alone. It all feels too much.. the mountain of life... like climbing everest.. not many people can do it. Maybe i will just go to bed. Its my favourite part of the day. bed time.. cos then ya have sleep to look forward to.. all wrapped up in duvet.. warm and snug.

I usually delete my really melancholly ramblings.. but f**k it.. think i will post it this time.

No gambling.. S.A

Hey SA...

Glad you didn't delete your posts ....as you know melancholy is my normal disposition and also the voices in my head from my family of origin are all along the lines of "people worse off than you"..

Truthfully ...if id been allowed to feel stuff when younger then probably events would have would have naturally run their course and i would naturally come out of it..rather than fear going into it if that makes sense.

This is why I don't jolly people out of things ...as the short sharp shock only works short term for me....plus often i will jog myself out of stuff to make others feel better but then carry a resentment to "get them back" if they are ever down..... ..classic passive aggressive people pleaser...lol

Also heard about the happiness levels...as an avid radio 4 listener they interviewed folk on Shetland right?....and again all the reasons you give there for a happy life.....basically balance ..and on shetland the only downside ..the winter weather.

Its all relative too SA...thats why we cant compare our lives to others ..plus it sets up more guilt and delays dealing with whats really going on.....in my experience..too much freedom etc is equally as trapping as non and I know we have discussed that before.

Sleep also been my happiness and escape,.....I actually love and look forward to sleep just to be away from the churning brain...

Have no answers SA ..and yes it is a lonely feeling for sure...but as always..its unconditional from me...keep writing and posting ....am going to send you a link just from someone who had an answer to all this...

obviously take with a pinch of salt but it made me smile... a very interesting and simple slant....

hugs

Rach and Doo xx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNzzHjfNUE4&sns=em

not a prescription but an interesting take xx

Bless you Dotty.. loved the clip! Am off to bed and to sleep. Its only 8pm.. no guilt! 😉

P.s Am glad you don't have the answers. Answers comes from within as they say.. whoever they are. Thanks again.