Hope

Ok so am still up. I been chatting on this thing called a phone. Am feeling a tiny bit more cheery.. just wanted to be vaguely positive. S.A

Just the one gamble this year.

A more positive day. Its not been too bad work wise. The boss is away and the weather is warm and the clients were at their best. I am ok. Nothing has changed but i feel better than yesterday. Out for a run in a bit. Another day passing gambling free. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Bless your heart - I giggled at the bit about happy pills! I think I have put my point across about that though, and it is time to leave it to you, as a choice you make for yourself 😉

I was nodding along with the bit about facebook. My mood often nosedives when I go on there... Too many of my peers, who on the surface appear to be doing much better than me. As you say - b**tards, lol!

I am using exercise as a mood enhancer too, and it really does make a big difference. I had a panic attack today, trying to go out for lunch in a cafe. When I got home and calmed down, I was still agitated. The fight or flight was still not released - so I did a workout and boy did I feel better! There is also this triumph over adversity-slash-sticking it to the man-slash-not letting life get the better of me-slash-rocky balboa vibe to it I find. You feel like "yeah! come on!". Or at least I do.....lol

Take care,

f x

am not good today hun....sorry xxx

Thanks for support Freda and Dotty... and by the way Dotty, when you said in your diary...

"I have spent most of the night worrying that people may go off the site because of me..or people may re gamble because of me."

...i'd say nah... nothing to worry about there. Speaking for myself I slip becuase of how i feel in myself or because of what is or what is not going on in my life... not because of what folk may or may not say on the forum.

Anyway from what I read in your diary you seem to be in more positive place today.. so am I if truth be known. Am in the after glow of a 3 hour run this morning. Bring on the marathon!. A month to go!!

Nothing much else going on. Work continues and I cope with it on a day to day basis only. I am depressed but again i cope with it. I am functioning. Good old functional depression :-). I haven't washed up or tidied my flat in any way for a while now. But hey b*****ks to it. I will sort my flat out when the moment feels right. Am not going to pile pressure on myself to conform the "clean and tidy flat brigade" If I want to wallow in my own mess and smells then i will.. lol 😉

A few thoughts of a sneaky gamble if truth be known... the lottery to be precise. me has not bought a lottery product since the summer of 2004... thats along time isn't it?? Anyway when these thoughts come along I say to myself that "just for today I will not gamble".. so I stay at just the one gamble event this year.

Thats it folks. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA...thanks for your support during my "slip"..it means a lot......

I know a lot of folk now feel let down by me and as usual I am taking the lions share of responsibility for it....i'm simply not that powerful a person to bring everyone down and shouldn't have to have that guilt.

Its too much pressure.

Am taking some time out... maybe reached the end of the line here ...truly wish you well...I really do...

Rachel xxx

Hi Dotty.. I think your way to hard on yourself.. but then folk say the same to me. You don't have to take on the responsibility for other people and their emotions... thats their responsibility... but then you know this. Anyways thanks for your well wishes.. keep posting if you want to and don't if you don't.

As for me.. pretty positive day really. Usually this is the place where I sick up my self-pitying feelings but not today. Work went well and had a nice recovery jog this evening after my 3 hour run yesterday. Touch wood.. no injury problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A

P.s No gambling problems.

hi SA..

still around and reading....glad your ok and work is level for you...

All this running ..Its making me want to do some sort of exercise now and crank up my fitness as walking Dotty is not stretching me enough...

Talkiig of which ...i did have an injury problem and ended up in A and E last week with a suspected DVT with repetitive driving strain..lol

Doing a lot of icepacks right now.

Keep on keeping on my friend

Rachel xxx

Thanks Rachel.

Just wanted to log another positive day. Spent all day with the most challenging client and all went fine. A short run this evening and now watching the Olympics. No gambling problems.. S.A 🙂

Return of the mighty mouth ulcers... ouch!!

One more day until the weekend when i can rest alot when am not running of course.

No gambling.. but thoughts of the lottery. Can't remember why I have to forgo that very slim possibility of becoming wealthy through the purchase of a lottery ticket once a week. Cos i sure ain't gonna become wealthy through caring for others for a living. But anyway, just for today I will not....

Thanks for listening... S.A

immune low....rest up my friend..Vit C....

PS....on the "not gonna become wealthy by caring for others"...as someone who also knows that feeling we used to say..."but we might get a good slot in heaven 'cos we've obviously been right B*****s in a past life"...lol

....and zinc

Rach and Dot xx

.

Thanks Dotty.. alas ive not been resting up.. I been out jogging along the canals for 3 hours this morning. Its not exercise thats causing my ulcers... me thinks its work stress. Anyway I think am through the worst they starting to heal.

Ive just been watching the womens Olympic marathon.. awesome! Even the slowest athlete came in in a time of 3 hours and 5 minutes.. just awesome. I'd be happy as Larry to break 4 hours but then i am a mere mortal.

Nothing much else to say.. still in a depressive phase, still not motivated to do the washing up.. but coping ok in myself. No gambling.. am not going to buy any lottery tickets but the thoughts persist. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Dear Diary... am feeling fairly well today.. which says something for a Monday. I think ive been physically ill for a while now but not appreciated it until I got better... which is now.. if ya see what i mean.. or maybe its just that stress levels have come down a bit. But anyway ulcers have gone... good riddance to the little f*****s!

Ive done my washing up.. Even i got fed up of fishing around in a sink full of dirty plates for a random plate or spoon or cup to wash off in cold water on a need to use immediately basis only. Even managed to spray the work surfaces and have a little wipe. I am a sloth when it comes to hygiene and cleanliness. Its easy to get lazy with ones place when its only self that see's it much of the time.They say that the state of ones place reflects the state of ones mind. Much truth in this me thinks.

No gambling problems. Enjoying the Olympics. No evening run today and no over-eating either. Onwards... S.A 🙂

....Hiya SA...

Got me thinking about that saying..."state of your place refelcts the state of your mind"....

My pad is like a shrine but im still messed up...LOL .. ; )

I know what you mean though...lifes a lot easier to wade through when you havent got to fight through "stuff"....

Am looking forward to downsizing my life ...simplify is my new tag word..along with self care.

whatever the state of your pad ...your doing lots right as your keeping those urges at bay.

Glad to hear your feeling ok and enjoying a bit of telly...its going to be a good week.

take care ...onwards and upwards and a bit squiggly with some cartwheels...... just for olympicvariety....

hugs

Rach and Doo xx

Thanks Rach and Doo.

I could sure do with a four legged friend wagging its tail enthusiatically the way I feel today.

Its all felt just toooo much.. though I held it together. It started with a bad nights sleep, even worse than normal, for what reason I do not know. And then am on the run this morning and the music is just toooo loud but others on the minibus were enjoying it.. soi just scrunched up my ear canals and coped. And then i was walking all day in the warm sunshine with client who kept pawing me and then we got back to centre and he stripped off played with his tackle and then pawed me some more. Its funny unless your the wretched soul being pawed.. lol And then the boss was just vile which nearly tipped me over the edge into telling her to go f*** herself.. but I held it togther.

Am home now but just feel like pants.. and there's no milk in the fridge and am dying for a coffee. Time to lie on the floor and stare blankly at the ceiling. Well actually not.. my need for caffeine fix will drive me to the shop.

No gambling.. thanks for listening... S.A