Hope

Thanks for walking along side Rach... re course work.. just a moment of paranoia thats all... it soon passed.

HALT is more to the point.. but feeling ok just now. Hopefully I will sleep well tonight. Work tomorrow.. what will be is what will be.

80 odd days since my last gamble... and just the one gamble this year. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hiya SA.

Just a flyer to say "hi" and wondering how your weeks panning out.

R and D xx....

Yeah things ok here thanks Rach... am just back into the work/home routine. No dramas.

Am still a bit run down from the marathon. Nothing much else to say really... just ordinary living and thats ok. No gambling problems. I will post more over the weekend.. thanks for listening... S.A

Dear Diary,

Well here I am.. its the weekend. A few more days at work survived. Moderately stressful but as always I was conscientious and feel like ive done my bit for those less fortunate than myself. I have a full week next week which am dreading for several reasons but I will try to distance my thoughts from that until the working week comes round again.

I went for a late gym/swim session last night and then meandered into the hotel bar "as you do". I haven't had an alcoholic drink for quite a while now... not because ive chosen not to.. its just that I haven't. The demon drink has ceased to be an issue at all just lately. Though I know all that could change in an instant.. potentially.

Anyway am standing their (or is it there) with ma pint of stella pretending to watch the England match but really am people watching. I wonder to meself how many folk are actually having a good time.

To my left is this couple. They have made an effort, both smart casual but neither is speaking. I reckon that they have long past the point where they can think of anything to say to each other. I reckon neither wants to be there but both feel duty bound to stick it out atleast for a while.

To my right is a group of 3 blokes, bit younger than me (i is 40). They to are pre-tending to enjoy the england game, but they look bored rigid, nursing their pints. Nobody speaks. I know this scenario o so well... you get so bored that even getting drunk seems like a chore. But again ya feel duty bound to stick it out atleast till the end of the game.

There are some people that genuinely seem to be enjoying themsleves... and its tending to be groups of women.. laughing and joking and they generally looking like they are having a good time. Correct me if am wrong but I think that women are much better at just going out and having fun for funs sake.. where as men always have the "eye out" for something more.. if ya get my drift lol

As for me am just bloke on his own with beer. I was self-concious when i walked in but 1 stella later I really didn't care. Found myself a nice little spot and then at end of football (yawn yawn) some live music cane on so I stayed for another. I didn't speak to anybody but actually I was having an ok time.

I like going out on me own sometimes cos ya can do exactly what ya want to do and go with the flow. No obligation to others and always the chance that ya wil/i will end up having some nice chats with folk.. and whatever else.

I left after 2 pints cos i didn't have any money with me.. but I would have stayed, gym kit and all lol I shall make the effort to go out a bit more.

No gambling problems. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA

I know what you mean.

I go out a lot on my own pubs and eateries...I guess my job has forced me out in that way but it still takes some guts so good on you.

I also people watch...wonder if folk are happy,being false,faking it or peer pressure.Pubs and bars are funny places to see how people interact.

With Dotty I get different people talking to me who would not if I was on my own dog-less.lol..It is ok being out alone as like you say...you just do what you want..stay as long as you want and then go.

Funny story from last night...went in the local with Dotty..big group of guys came in 30ish all jostling at the bar..all started turning round smiling..looking past their mates shoulders at "me"...figured I was a man magnet as Dot was under my feet unseen....

Started thinking "I've still got it".....until I saw I was sittng right underneath the big TV screen with that England match on!!!....that'll teach me...he he he

Try not to worry hun..easier said than done...day at a time and always listening .

R and D xxx

Dear diary... Am glad I haven't made any really poor choices today. The worst its got is a bit of emotional eating and idle web surfing and afternoon napping (something i have never done before). I kind of got it into my head that this probably being the last weekend of nice weather before the autumn proper sets in that I must go out and enjoy myself... whatever me enjoying myself actually means. But then of course what to, where to go and who with.. if anyone. And there were a few choices.

Walking past my local pub I see's my mate ive known for donkeys years. Every few months we get drunk. He is borderline alcoholic and like i say... from time to time i join him for a sesh. He's very similar character wise to me but a decade older. It has always ended in drunkenness and putting the world to rights and then a takeaway on the stagger home.

The other option was to text another mate and go into the city or go on my own then we (or just I) end up in Flares the nightclub and before ya know it am drunk and either its 12 midnight and am getting the last bus or its 3 a.m and am in the coach station waiting for the night coach or its 6 a.m and am nursing a cup of tea in Mcdonalds waiting for the first bus. Historically sometimes its ended in a gambling binge.

Another option was joining my neighbours outside in the yard for, yes youve guessed it for.. copious amount of drinking and then the short stagger to my pit. There were other options to.. all involving alcohol except maybe one which would probably have been playing board games and watching Tv.

After much dithering and indecision and eating food what did i choose to do... well.. I went to Asda bought some bits and bobs and then had a slow stroll home in the evening sunshine and now here i am writing this.. feeling, well fine really. Not high, not low.. just on a level.

I think to myself about the defintion of madness.. "doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results"... well today i decided not to get stuck into the beer with all the pre-dictable outcomes. I can cope with the fact that am rather bored and lonesome but as long as i keep myself on a level and abstain from gambling then my life can only get better. No doubt i will be up early in the morning for my Sunday run.. cos thats what i do.

Thats me folks... thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Just the one gambling event this year.

Hey SA

Good choice...im in bed...radio on and dot on my feet and ive actually managed to sat reading a book something that has eluded me for over year...

I also have turned down social night tonight as I have to keep clear .I think its great that you are comfortble your own company...I have realised a lot of people simply cant do that.

Lonliness is an interesting one..I feel more lonely in company and am never lonely alone....bored yes...lonely ...no.

As they say in AA ..a slogan...think think think....you did that...saw the outcomes of possble decisions made tonight and chose differently....

good on you.

My fave board game is Cluedo..I always win...lol....not good at much else except Connect 4 and Scrabble...

Night night...

good luck with the run tomorrow...running club social could be a good combo?

R and D xx

(long distance marathon girl....who always was a sprinter...lol)

Thanks Rach.. Interesting what you say about loneliness. I was feeling lonely yesterday but today I feel different (not lonely) although I am still alone. I remind myself that how i feel is constantly changing. Difficult feelings come and go and there is no need to take the edge off with gambling.

Today i had a good gym session and burnt off all the emotional confort eating I did yesterday. I then went off into the city and stumbled across lots of free festival/cultural/music type events. I chilled out and enjoyed and then spent time in the park had some lunch and even managed to doze for a while.

I was standing at the bus stop and i got asked for money... "any change for the bus mate?".. normally I am instantly a no and walk off person (unless after dark and its a female.. and then if i have the money I give it purely for safety reasons) but this time I said yeah no problem and gave the fella £2's.

Am not quite sure why but in that moment I felt a real empathy for the fella.. cos he didn't come across as an agressive beggar type that asks a 100 folk each and every day but he came across as someone genuinely down on his luck or maybe just maybe a Cg who had done his money. I wanted to have a little chat with him and just find out where he was at but he skulked off to the other side of the stop pretty quick... and then my bus came and that was that...

It got me thinking about many a time when ive not had the bus fare. Ive never asked a completely stranger for money. Am just not able to do it. Several times ive walked 10 miles plus to get home. Its good that i remind myself of these dark times for the next time i get tempted to gamble.. which will surely happen at some point. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hey SA

Good post there and sometimes life presents those small events that humble us and make us take stock of where we are at gratitude wise....it also makes us less quick to judge and think "there by the grace of god ..go I'.

I sound like my mother here on reading your bit about always giving the females money.....my mother would say "he's been brought up well'.......lol

Your doing great my cyber friend....

thanks you as always for posting...I suppose I do feel guilt at being on here still but hopfully the majority of my posts are relevant as I am a firm beleiver that underneath the addcition lies the stuff im working on...the coda self esteem stuff..so you never know..it may resonate with people plus selfishly i like writing my diary ; )

In Al anon (the OH support group for AA) they used to say "an alcoholic is a al anon-er whose control mechanisms have failed"

Your man at the bus stop probably has been on top of his game...all in control then through mitigating circumstances his control mechanisms have failed.

If we substance or fix use then we are in more danger as as we know those things have a life of their own and start controlling us.

keep on truckin SA

R and D

xx

ps..Love dead poets and also al pacino in "scent of a woman" is a similar film if youve not seen it...tears in your eyes xxx

Hi SA,

I like the optimistic spin that you put on that experience with the guy at the bus stop.... A good opportunity to be reminded that it isn't a good place to be, having no bus fare, and gambling tends to take you to that same situation yourself. I wonder if you saw yourself in that guy a little? The you who has been down on his luck at times in the past.

You are making awesome choices by the sounds of it, doing what is best for you and keeps you safe. I guess you will have friends who would just chill at home with you with a beer, crisps and board games - but if the "let's get smashed" friends were the only options available that day, well you know yourself that it was a well made decision. Yeah you felt a bit lonely for an evening, but that is much better than how you would likely feel after a night of carnage.

Thanks for your input on my thread. I do have friends who I don't stay in constant contact with, and that is cool. I think the difference was this person has taken a lot of emotional support from me repeatedly, and the thing that hurt, was not that I didn't hear from her for a few months in itself - it was that after I asked her explicitly for help and support myself, for the first time in ages, she disappeared. That is what is not cool with me. Even a text to say she was thinking of me, and how was I doing? would have been enough.

Anyways, we are all different, but I need a bit of basic compassion and support from friends. She is now filed in my brain, not under enemies, no longer under friends either, but under "acquaintances".

Hope you have a good week, you sound in a pretty good place : )

Take care,

f x

Hello pal.

Thanks for dropping by my diary.

You know me by now odaat dude.

as you know one step away from disaster.

Have you ever thought about a writing career ?

Your literature on here are sometimes serious yet other posts funny.

Maybes an avenue for you to look into ?

best wishes friend.

W.P

Just read your bit about the guy who asked for the bus fare.

V interesting . Like you, I've walked miles before when I've spent up. On two occasions I've done a 10-miler, like you.

the funny thing is, it NEVER occured to me to ask anyone. I just couldn't do it. Reading your blurb made me question myself, along the lines of: "Why didn't you ask someone?"

And the answer is, I couldn't look someone in the eye and ask for money.

anyway, thanks for sharing

Thanks for your support folks. I will read and reply over the weekend.

Another week at work passes and in the great scheme of things its been ok with no major dramas and no major stress... which is a novelty for sure.. o and no gambling problems either. So thats good. Probably so much more i could write but for now I will leave it at that. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Cheers Ade... in a non-drinking way of course 😉

Today has been fine thus far. I was going to write earlier but find that i tend to be a bit more negative in the mornings especially on a Saturday.. a day which ive often struggled with in myself.. which is a bit odd when i spent the working week willing for the weekend to come.

Anyway today I haven't had any internal dilemmas about whether to go out this evening or not. I choose not to... so am settled about that. I had "a" beer last night after the gym. Today am happy to potter about and enjoy the day in my home enviroment.

Ive just been for my late afternoon stroll to Asda. Funny how if you go to the same places at the same time you pass and meet the same people again and again. Folk following there habits and routines as i follow my habits and routines. Its the same on the walk to work in the morning.. the man on his bike, the retired couple walking the dog (they always say hello in a cheerful manner), the workman in his overalls (miserable as ever).

This afternoon I watched am episode of Timewatch. It was about Edward the seventh. Atleast i think it was. ya know the one that came after Queen Victory in 1901. It was ever so interesting. O to spend a life time being a philanderer and get to be King as well lol

I stumbled across an old diary today. No not a cyber diary a proper hand written in a journal type. It goes back to before I arrived here. Made me squirm it did. The self-pity and the unfullfilled expectation that I put upon myself was more intense than it is nowadays. Gets me feeling that despite my days or my periods of time when am in a bad way, that overall I am moving in a positive direction. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin.. bit by bit.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

P.s For anyone passing through. Slot machines was my thing. A daily occurence that ruined my life. Ive had just the one gambling episode this year.. it feels good to say that.

hiya SA..

Great to see your on the level and in a good place..went down a bit yesterday and understand that at both ends of the spectrum "aholism" and total independant isolation and total crashing out dependancy both bring about an exsistence and not really the way to go.

i suppose we all get thoughts of why bother some days and yesterday due to exteme tiredness and low defences saw folk who live a life of dependancy better than one where you put in tons of energy just to keep level. Doing a poor me basically...but I got over it.

Tony Robinson seemed like a good programme..I don try and watch that prog if i can...

Familiarity is good and makes us feel safe and with some routine ...after my week stint in liverpool I have moved bck to near my own house to be around familiar things as it gives me a sense of stability .

keep headng on your right path SA...your doing fab

R and D xx