Hope

Hi SA. Your definitely moving in the right direction. You've had your minor slips over the past couple of years but they've been very few and far between. You have a great strength to not let the bug back in and you can move on quickly. 1 gambling episode this year must feel great to say. I'd say I feel great about my recovery but ive had loads of gambling episodes this year, after my first slip into the year I just kept lapsing. I hope I have a hold of it now but I think you certainly have. No complacency of course but you seem very strong willed about not letting gambling ever becoming part of your life again. Take care mate.

Thanks Dotty and David.

Must admit at this moment in time i'd love the idea of not having to go to work tomorrow.. but go to work I will. Cos on balance its better I work than don't work. I seem to have this thing in my head about how long can I go without a sick day and its been many months now.

I had a good run this morning. Its just starting to get a bit cooler which makes running a more pleasant experience. I kind of think that it was the heat that really took a toll on my marathon performance. In distance running it makes a big difference whether its 20 degrees or a more confortable 14 degrees.

Anyway thats me. No gambling problems. Onwards... S.A

hello S.A

Thankyou for your posts on my diary..sorry its taken me so long to reply ...i've never stopped popping in and checking the recovery diaries but i've been off on one all over again and ended up in that same old self pity, cr**, world that is "gambling"...

I read peoples advice and support and at times like these i just don't know what to say in response....

Things here ain't good..I'm in the grip of it all, all over again and am chasing losses that deep down i know i'm never gonna get back but i'm lost, really lost in that same old crappy world..

but i just wanted to say "thanks" ...

with all you are having to deal with...what with all your battles... you still find the time to encourge others and offer your support..

To be honest with you..it makes me feel bloody ashamed of myself, cos i see the goodness in people and it makes me see the real me...

i don't like what i see at all...

Thankyou again S.A ..

you takecare...

Hi SA..

Thank you also for your thoughts and especially the lottery winners example...from experience it is a good test of who is friend or hanger on.

Despite material wealth I have always felt poor inside..my dad came from nothing ,no shoes but was a millionaire plus..he was an appalling judge of character but never felt rich either...he was totally paranoid and after he made his big amounts of money ..he then had to earn more to protect his "first lot" and so on...always chasing.

His brain blew up aged 50 and died .He also had an affair with a woman who lived in partial squalor.....back to his pre money roots eh?. where he probably could be himself.

Thanks SA ..also made me think that i also am trying to find "home" ...as a kid all i remember is wishing I was

a kid who grew up in a 3 bed post war semi,with a golden labradour,a little brother ,a mum who wore jeans and a dad who mowed the grass ...still sort of hankering after that....lol

In my experience hun in the long run a lot of money only magnifies what is missing... and in a micro way I totally understand why celebrities end up on drugs and find what they are searching for is still not satisfied with money.

Those people have an even greater need for their feelings validated.

R and D xx.

Thanks Lb and Dotty.

Am just checking in. No gambling problems and not much to say really. Am feeling stable and have done for a while now. I seem to be coping with pressure and stress and life in general quite well just now.. so thats a good thing. I wouldn't go as far to say that I was feeling happy ( I don't think ive ever felt trully happy) but I am having moments when I break into a smile for no particular reason... so thats a good thing too! 🙂

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

P.S I don't expect it to last. Hows that for positive thinking! lol 😉

good on you SA

Stables is good..

Make the most of this sunbathe on a desert island of calm as life normally chucks us a few curved balls now and then ....lol

Happiness is the space between the notes...

R and D xx

Thanks Dotty... am still in a settled frame of mind. Just waiting for lifes curved balls to arrive.

Started upping my game as far as the running goes. Another half-marathon approaches. Ten miles on the tread mill yesterday in 1 hour 23 and a 13 to 14 miler today in 2 hours in the great outdoors. Still along way to go to reach my potential but I reckon that at some point within the next 5 years I will do a half-marathon in 1 hour 30 or less and a marathon in around 3 hours 30 mins. Thats the long term goals anyway. Time will tell.

No gambling problems but yesterday i found myself spending quite alot of money (relative to my income). Its like £10 for haircut, £3.80 bus ticket, £20 food, £4 for gym and £20 impulse buy on a pair of shoe boot shoe things (I like them lol) And then i paid some bills ... £32 water installment, £64 council tax installment. It soon adds up dun it!!

The devil within me was thinking.... mmmmmm... but then I told the devil to go f*** off and he did. I reminded myself that everything is budgetted for and am even getting myself ahead on the rent.. so no need to stress.

Just the one gambling event this year. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

hey SA....

you have it all under control hun'...no fears and always forward in your recovery..

Devil can go take a running jump..

R and D xx.

Hey SA,

Glad you told the devil to do one!

A lot of positivity from you in that last post, and I am loving the getting ahead on rent payments. It's about getting yourself as much stability and security as possible, so if any of lifes curve balls come along, they are easier to handle.

I made savings every month when I was working, even though I was earning less than I got in benefits, and it was a huge help in me feeling less panicky and vulnerable when I lost my job.

Anyways, I imagine it is quite nice weather for running outdoors just now - less oppressive, but not icy yet. It sounds very therapeutic for you, almost meditative.

Hope you have a good week!

f x

just a flyer SA..

Waterproofs...half price at Millets...lol

Electrolyte up and keep hydrated or your kidneys will rebel and you''ll feel like you've been kicked in the back all night...lol..

R and D xx

keep on runnin.........

Hey thanks people... am still doing well here and yes Freda..security and stability is important to me. I have spent most of my adult life living on the preverbial "edge" waiting for the next disaster to strike.. the next moment of crisis and panic. Its not all been gambling related but mostly it has.

Ive been doing well at work...giving the boss exactly what she wants.. somebody without problems or issues who just gets on with it and does extra when asked. The ideal employee really. I had my surpervison today which consisted of me saying...great, fine, no problems. I feel supported and valued etc etc

Today the boss gave me a lift home (it was raining)... I am currently in her good books and yes Dotty.. me not having a car means that i have a variety of "all weather jackets and coats" most of which were bought in Salvation Army for next to nothing lol

I think the bottom line is that i am changing and doing what i have to do to make things easier for me so that i can keep my stress levels at manageable levels. My boss says that I am not paid to think but think i will... I will think about whats in my best interests. Thanks for listening folks. No gambling problems... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

One day...

One day, you will get that car. Then you will be able to get into it and really become a free and independent person. You can get really good, reliable cars for around £3000.

One day...

Until then, you are doing so well with your running, your huge amount of morals and values that you possess and your abstinence from the evil world which we call gambling.

NT

Hi SA...

Glad to see all is well on the work front...and you seem to be geting along in a fashion with your boss.

Not sure what I think about her comment on the way home but for once gonna keep my moosh shut. ; )

I think youre too good to have her for a Boss ... but hey! im biased and in your corner and so long as you are stable and feeling on top then thats all that matters to me.

Believe me ....having a car can also be over rated and I am looking forward to getting the train to work...lol xxxs

keep on keeping on hun

R and D xxx

Thanks both. To be fare she only comes out with the "I don't pay you to think" comment when she's stressed... she didn't say that in the car. Not that am sticking up for her... it is hard work to work with her (are persoanlaities are just different) but am learning to adapt and work with her instead of feeling all angry at the drop of a hat. I cannot change other peoples behaviours.. all i can change is my own reaction to it.

Anyway day off today as am working the weekend. I intend to do some cleaning and sorting and practical stuff.. time will tell whether I do it or not lol

A car would always be nice N.t and if i had ooodles of money i'd get one cos there are plenty of positives to having a car but from what i can see cars also bring lots of stress to peoples lives ... especially when money is tight. Ive got this mate in a similar position to me. he'd never had a car until well into his 40's and then he was lucky enough to have some money come his way so he got a car and do you know what he does with it??? he drives it to the train station to get the train to work and then drives home again. Most of the rest of the time it sits outside his flat.

If I had a car I would do stuff even if it was a drive into the country side of a weekend. I think it would also motivate me to get back on the dating scene. At the moment I think whats the point in chatting with someone online who lives in a small town 28 miles away if ya can't blumin get there without it being an epic journey of bus, train, bus, camel, walk etc. Just my excuse for doing nothing i spose. lol

Anyway thats me. Mood has dropped a bit in the last day or so but i think thats more to do with the weather than anything. No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Yo,

Just wanted to say, hope you have a good day off and try not to think bout work tooooo much .

Suppose you could think about getting a mopped ( not sure how to spell that ) bloke at my works got one , think they are pretty cheap to run.

Having said that would that have the desired effect on the ladies hmmmmmmmm .

Just my thoughts , saw a bit of sun trying to peak it's way through the clouds just now , hope it's the same where you are and that you might be able to get out for a run . Cause I know that always lifts your spirits .

Take care

Shiny xxxxxxxxx