Hope

Day 281... thanks both, I really appreciate the supportive posts.

Difficult day yesterday. Didn't know what to do with myself. Ended up down the gym and regretted it. My Ego wanted to keep me at the same speed as some 20 something bloke, so I ended up running too fast for too long and low and behold my old health problems returned. A couple of hours later I had visual migraine and the really weird spaced out feelings. Well atleast I know what causes it. I never get these problems when I run outdoors. Its just the treadmill running. lesson finally learning, I hope. No running today!!! ...Rest!!... marathon less than a week away.

Anyway no thoughts of gambling. I coped with yesterday. I think unstructured time can be a big trigger for me. When am feeling idle and listless and lost, the child within tends to want to play.

This was underlined by watching that video from the link that Carla put up. He talks of addiction being a part of your psychological makeup that doesn't want to grow up. I think the child within me is quite a powerful force. I also relate to the theory of attachment and finding it difficult to get in touch with ones authentic self.

Anyway am still here, still writing, still gamble free, still a work in progress. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Good morning S.A,

Oh dear, don't sound very healthy session yesterday. Take few days out of running and try to relax. You need a lot of rest before marathon ....and try to stick to outdoor running, because those treadmills are not that healthy..it's hard to find a speed right for your body ( i mean we do get tired after a while, and as i remember i just used to keep the same sspeed all along, which just ruins your strentgh) not sure if you the same, but i think you would agree that outdoor running is so much more enjoyable:-)

Take care and have a lovely day

Well done on continuous abstinence:-)

Sandra x

Hi S

Also watched that video and the bit you talk about also stood out for me too.

I wrote where I'm "stuck " on my own thread but yes there is a part of me that does not want to go grow up and as an adult I feel entitled to be looked after now and protected and not have to do it myself...I'm angry that I have to do it myself.

I liked the guys voice ...kind of soothing and fatherly ..lol ...and probably will watch some of his other vids between my work of course ..lol

Also thinking about what you said ...I know you have your running but have you thought about taking a positive risk ..not sure if bar work may be for you but it kills many birds with one stone and may even attract a "bird" to you?

Its instant social banter , a bit of extra cash, free food and be the place to meet people from the safety of behind the counter ...much easier to chat to when you're the barman? Plus you could even learn some Tom Cruise cocktail moves..throwing bottles behind your back and all that? ..lol lol lol

R and D xx

Hi SA

Sorry, I missed your 40th week "celebration" yesterday- a massive "well done" 🙂

Although I'm not posting so much, I do enjoy reading your diary (because we're about the same distance from our last gamble?)

Your exercising really does make mine pale by comparison- but hey, I'm a "work in progress" lol. Good luck with the run next week!

Take care

Irene

x

Day 282 gamble free.

Thanks Sandra, Rach and Irene 🙂

I had an idle BH weekend. I hadn't planned anything so sat around moping much of the time. I even had a little nap yesterday afternoon, just for something to do. It was real hard not to go for a long slow run, cos that's what I do of a weekend... but with the marathon just around the corner I had to rest. Forced myself to be idle I did and then became so slug like that I entered a depressed stupor with those intense feelings of woe is me... I have no life.. bla bla bla... mights as well have a gamble. Did I gamble, course I didn't, but it did cross my mind.

Anyhow today is a new day and work has given me a lift. The work banter has got me back into positive headspace. The return of the work jester from sick leave has helped. Makes me laugh e does.

Note to self; I is addicted to the long slow run and being tired all the time. I need to work on this.

No gambling thoughts today. Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

P.s Positive risks, yes, your right Rach. Just hard to do when your me.

Hey SA...

Sooooo true ! Knowledge is power!!! I'm addicted to Gabor Mate now...or me old mate Gabor ..lol xx

When you hear someone else say it it's like ..WOW...I've been reminded about something I already knew but didn't know I knew..

Makes you think doesn't it? ...I also work in the care professions but not in such a direct way...even though I am paid to "care" about people's health mainly..

I am settled for now but I have toyed with getting out of care work as In my utopian thinking ,.i think everyone should spend at least 3 yrs in the care sector ..mandatory ...a bit like national service.

Like you..if I never cared again I will have done more than yer average Joe...about 25 years ..lol

R and D xx striding around x.

Day 283 gambling free.

I think Ive done more care work than the average Joe has done in several life times Rach. I spent a year as a community service volunteer after Uni where I was supported an elderly paralysed man for a few months and then a live in project supporting people with mild learning disabilities for several more months and then 2.5 years working in a care home for adults with autism and challenging needs and then several years working through agencies etc with all sorts of client groups with different needs and then I trained to be a mental health nurse which didn't work out cos I was gambling like a loon and then I worked in a day centre for people with autism and challenging needs for a year and then a year as an outreach working (challenging needs service of course!) and on it goes lol

When I finally dragged my sorry a**e into rehab I was a broken man. All those years of care giving combined with a serious addiction to the numbing effects of slot machines had driven me half mad. Like the examples that Gabor Mate had talked of I threw all my energies into the welfare of others and completely lost all sense of ME and my own identity. I had no idea what my own needs were and how to put them first. With the benefit of hindsight it all came out sideways primarily as gambling, but also as drinking, fast food and a host of other things. I comforted myself with external "stuff".

Anyway to fast forward several more years and here I am having largely re-created my past but without the gambling. So its kind of progress for sure but still not a complete break with the past. Having said that my self-awareness is ten fold better and the desire to have a better quality of life for ME is there for sure, but putting action to that desire is what I find difficult. Old habits and ingrained ways of being... very hard to break.. but I have made progress and for that I am proud of myself.

I wasn't gonna write anything today, but I have and here it is. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Lets give myself more credit! I am a different animal to what I use to be!! I am a lion and I roar!! 😉

Hi SA,

U r doing brilliant, well done on 283 days gamble free. Ur determination shines thru 🙂

Stay strong and keep going 🙂

Have a gr8 day xx

Hi SA,

U r doing brilliant, well done on 283 days gamble free. Ur determination shines thru 🙂

Stay strong and keep going 🙂

Have a gr8 day xx

Day 285 gambling free

Thanks Charlotte 🙂

Stressy day at work. I never will fully understand the world of autism. This particular client enjoys having me as his support for the day and then whacks me on the way home and then as soon as he's out the car snaps off the windscreen wiper. Once I do finally find an "out" from this job I will never do autism/challenging needs again! You can quote me on that.

Anyway am home and its pay day and there is something rather satisfying about paying all my rent and bills and putting a little something into savings and then having an amount left which is perfectly fine to last me the 31 days until the next payday without having to scrimp and scavenge.

In the past on payday especially after a sh*tty day at work i'd of been gambling right now and losing money that I couldn't afford to lose and then when i'd lost it i'd be in a big panic and in a world of s**t. I think I am finally growing up and being good to myself by not gambling, no matter how lousy, fed up and stressed out I may feel.

Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

S.A,

I am really greatful for your post. Yea, we have a good and bad days...i wonder for me personally, let say if i wouldn't of get in this cr** with gamblibg, would i feel any different? It's not the case for me...gambling is addition...big unhealthy additoin, .....just a way out. For most of us is a way out....time consuming....

Thank you for your support, we have to keep going, because we don't know how good things tomorrow can bring...it's worth waiting:-)

You doing fantastic so just keep it up...marathon round the corner ey? I will run double time for you on that day:-)

Have a lovely weekend.. thanx again....i did chose running instead of gambling.....:-) happier days...

Sandra x

Day 286 begins....

I been really struggling in myself this evening. I been re-living todays challenging behaviour at work, every time I try to get to sleep I start to imagine pummeling this client and find myself leaping out of bed in a rage. If you were a fly on the wall it would probably look quite comical. Am feeling angry with my collegue for doing the boards so he avoided this client and I had him and angry with myself for allowing it to happen.

Underneath it all am generally stressed, cos the new staff are not much cop and more importantly I am getting burnt out. I deserve better than this s**t.

I want out but then a huge ball of anxiety builds inside because my history says I will just walk once I reach a certain point. never have I managed to go from one job to another job without a period of crisis in between. Stressed I feel. Thoughts driving me to distraction tonight when all I want to do is sleep.

Thanks for listening and goodnight I hope.... S.A

Hey SA

Not sure what to say mate other than it looks like you we're set up a bit there by your colleague and you are someone who would not leave the client even the challenging one in the lurch.

Comes as a result of being a nice person ..

I know you do your running but have you thought about getting a punchbag? ...I'm being serious aswell...I used to have one til I went to smash it , it swung round and hit me it the face. :-)..but all that aside they can be very therapeutic ..Argos do a cheap one with gloves..could hang it in a door space on a chunky hook?

R and D xx

Day 286 continues...

Yes Rach I twas set up and what angers me the most is that I allowed him to get away with it. It was a 4 day working week last week and I had the most challenging client for 3 of those 4 days.

The bigger picture is the client. He's stressful to work with and I struggled within myself ( I am man enough to admit it) and I got no support. Its not good for me and my recovery. Enough of this work s**t.

Just been to get my bike. I put it into Halfords, it needed new chain, break blocks and gear adjustments.. total cost £31.96. Was it worth the money, of course it was!

I'd waited 30 mins for the bus and then had to endure sitting next to this smelly bloke. He obviously hadn't had a wash for several days and he stunk! How can people do that, it ******** me off. How much is a bar of blumin soap...geee!!

As you can see am feeling generally tired and angry today, great preparation for tomorrows marathon... not!

On a positive if I was gambling i'd never have got said bike fixed. £31.96 would have been precious money for the slots!

Anyway that's me off to kick the proverbial cat. Not enough room in flat for punch bag. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi there

thinking of you struggling with the S***e at work as remember it well.

The sun looks happy today so hope you get a lovely bike ride to chill out and switch off and recover before he goes to sleep again tonight.

xxx