Hope

Hey S.A. So glad you're remaining gamble free. Stress is something that drives me to gamble but I am not giving up the fight. Is changing jobs an option for you? If not, what about exploring some coping mechanisms.... I think you wrote a couple of entries back that you were annoyed that you didn't say anything to the lazy a**e colleagues. What is stopping you?

Day 287 (41 weeks) without a penny gambled.

Thanks all. Today I put work stress to oneside and focus on running 26.2 miles. May the force be with me. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Good luck SA. Hope it's good running conditions for ya and have a great race.

Hey SA.

Yep ..I know that loop all too well..the sort of stunned at the set up then the anger at not dealing with it when the injustice comes up an then the chunnering all the way home and spoiling my time ...knowing full well the person would not even give their behaviour a second thought...

I'm trying (badly) I may add, to nip stuff in the bud...like with most things that are alien it feels like writing with your non writing hand and I'm borderline defensive now but when a pendulum swings the other way I think it does have to go to another extreme before it finds a natural balance.

I've thought about this stuff a lot as you know and I think why it affects me so much is the initial shock really when you see what other people do..my response is delayed as you kind of question if what your witnessing is actually happening in disbelief then when the reality kicks in its too late and then I spend about 2 days plotting revenge fantasies...then what normally happens is i lie in wait for it to happen again, things settle down and i forget to be defensive and let my guard down and then "bang" it happens again catching me off guard and the loop starts again...its all very grown up.!

I think it's symptomatic of being brought up with a family that encouraged me to think the best of people.

I've always said that if I has been raised thinking the worst and it was a " jungle out there"I think I'd have had a less stressful life as I would always be primed for pisstakers and use attack as the best form of defence..guilty til you prove your innocence kinda thing..

Funnily enough I seem to be able to do this on the roads as a driver and I don't get road rage as my pal does...I always expect folks to f**k up behind the wheel and not drive properly so when they do mess up I'm not surprised whereas my pal believes everyone should be driving to the Highway Code and has a meltdown when they don't with road rage..

I'm like him when it comes to the social Highway Code of life...manners ,consideration etc etc..hence my frequent rages.

My dads attitude about driving was that when you go out you have to go out expecting everyone else on the road to be an idiot bar yourself" that way your not disappointed when they f**k up and moreover..prepared for it.

I am now trying to apply that one to normal life and have less expectation of the human race...lol

Anyway , talking of marathons I did have a few chuckles watching that Simon Pegg film last night..the one where he runs a marathon to get his ex girlfriend back..even funnier that the only charity he could run on behalf of was erectile dysfunction..lol lol ..

I love Simon Pegg...and he's got a cr,acking pair of legs.lol

Hope today shakes down better for ya....and you will smash it with the running xx

R and D xx

Hey SA

I hope today goes well- you've worked so hard to get where you are, physically and emotionally.

Take care

Irene

x

Hey SA,

I would think race has finished and you come out flying colours. Hope you are having some quiet time to catch ur breath.

I'm proud of you SA. You doing fantastic!

Take care

Sandra x

Day 287 gamble free continues...

I appreciate your thoughts and well wishes folks.

Marathon talk to start. I completed it and I feel good. I went into it with a slightly different attitude this time. No heady expectations of smashing the 4 hour barrier. My body has been so riven with stress lately that it was bound to impact upon my performance and it did. Having said that I got to mile 22 without stopping but then I hit the dreaded "runners wall" and ground to a virtual halt.

The last 4 miles plus were the usual walk with attempts at jog only to be halted again after just a few yards. Always manage to jog the last bit up to the finish line mind. Nothing like a few folk to cheer you on to galvanise ones last vestiges of strength to complete the big beast once again.

I crossed the line with a fellow about my age and we exchanged a few words. He said his aim was to get under 5 hours which he comfortably did as did I... 4 hours 42 for the pair of us. Still an achievement given that the lion share of the population wouldn't be able to complete the race if lets say everybody was required to complete a marathon tomorrow!

Rach I totally get what you mean about "delayed response". The loop you describe is exactly how it is with me. I was also brought up to think the best of people so when say people ask things of me I often say yes with out really thinking "am I being stsitched up". As you say its only later that I fit the pieces together and realise how much of a c*** the other person may have been and then the revenge fantasies and lack of sleep and anger with self and all the rest. Its frustrating.

I hate people who take advantage of my good nature. Sometimes it takes a while for this aspect of peoples characters to come out or for me to realise whats going on but once I do I loose all respect for them. I also find though that once ive come to this conclusion I often continue to be nice as pie to their face so they may think that their behaviour is exceptable and carry on doing what they are doing and so the pattern of behaviour continues and I stay angry inside.

Anyhow no thoughts of gambling. that's a good thing. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 288 gamble free

Day off today. Legs full of lactic acid...unsurprisingly! Feel depressed pure and simple. Work stress returns to my thoughts. Need to do job search.

Hey SA,

Oh i'm sorry to hear that you feel a bit down today...i can so relate to your feelings about work. I am not happy in my place, and stress takes over on most days.. Just keep looking around, it is worth a try.

Well done on 288 days, nearly 300:) You should be proud! going strong guns:)

Take care and all the best on a job search

Sandra x

P.s....that meditation session really helped..i never experience something like that before...Candle watching lasted about 10min lol, because i simply drifted into sleep....:)

Thank you

Yo,

Sorry to hear you are bit low . Going through it can be make it seem that you'll be this way for ever .

But you'll come out the other side .

My youngest has been doing agency work, would that be an option for you ?

She mostly cares for people with mental health issues in their own home .

Anyways hope this passes quickly .

Shiny xxxxxxx

Day 288 comes to a close

Thanks Sandra and Shiny

A nothing sort of day, though I did manage to do one unit of my Nvq. I'd done nothing for weeks. I have a deadline of December 20th to have it finished. Maybe that should co-incide with my leaving this job, though even that seems such a long way off.

One thing about having not gambled for a while is that it brings options and possibilities ie my rent is well ahead and I have a small amount of savings. If I were to give a months notice and leave... financially I would be ok for a while. It would give me time and space to chill for a bit and also sign up with some agencies, pick up some shifts to keep the money ticking over. This job is effecting my mental health too much, always has really with brief periods where its not been so bad but they never last.

Its a similar pattern to my last job. That became too much for me to cope with but for different reasons and gambling played its part of course. I suppose its just me really... or have I been a little unlucky in my work roles, bosses etc... am not sure? Am just thinking aloud.

Another day done. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi sa,

Maybe you have just been unlucky with your boss,s , either way what would you have to lose, could it worse than where you are now? I M sure you will make the right choice after all we spend 80pc of our time in work and should be happy or challenged or whatever it is that motivates us to keep going back.

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

P.s I ended up bottling it from camping ended up in a cottage in North Yorkshire for a week and a caravan in the lakes for a week, that was on a camping site lol but not sure that counts for camping though loll.

Take care

Blondie

Hey SA

Well them great news is you are giving the change of job some thought from a position of strength and not desperation and also have a margin built in too ....

As Blondie says ...it's a long time out of your day/ life to be unhappy in your job..

I am now working no less money but i am far happier in my job than I was charging round the country at breakneck speed for about 15k a year more.

Is brought other challenges but ones that I feel more in control of these days ..

You can afford to shop around ... Maybe even go to a few interviews on your days off for practice and a bit of a reckie ..to suss out what's out there.

You have nothing to loose my friend!! ..

R and D xx

Day 289 gambling free.

Yes, helpful advice, thank you.

Am in a difficult place in my headspace.

Am like a big sad dog licking its wounds.

Am wrestling with my thoughts but come to no conclusions.

Am getting all worked up and then I calm myself down.

Decisions to be made.

I am in flux.

I am out of sync.

I need to keep talking and yet I don't want to talk.

I am becoming unwell and yet I know I can get well.

I am unhappy but I have it within me to be happy.

I believe we all have a soul.

My soul will guide me to a better place.

Just for today I will not gamble.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 289 continues....

It crosses my mind that to give oneself a chance at moving forward you really do have to stop ALL self-destructive and unhealthy behaviours.

Its no good putting down gambling and picking up something else which continues to knock the self-esteem and cloud the already be-fuddled mind.

I am as close as I have ever come to stopping all my activities that knock my self-esteem. I don't include here. I am here a lot but I see it as a largely healthy activity. I am thinking and doing the spade work to move forward whilst I am here.

I thought I was depressed again this morning but actually I feel better than I did yesterday. Thanks for listening.... S.A 🙂

Ive spent 30 years doing harmful emotional/psychological and physical damage to myself. I am stopping this way of living and being.