Hope

Day 295 comes to a close.

Thanks Freda, good to see you back with some thoughts.

Like you say, if you don't have a strong support network, its very easy just to jump off the proverbial gambling cliff and fall and keep falling until you hit the rocks. Then it just comes down to luck whether you survive or not. I make myself accountable to here and it works, for the most part anyway.

Not much else to say today. Work was mentally tiring as always. No gambling. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hey S.A,

Cleaning your flat?hmmmm..i'm glad i can be useful for something lol 🙂

Glad you keep striding forward and keeping at it. I hope you have a better day at work today and feeling better with yourself.

Thank you for your continued support, it means a lot:)

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra 🙂 Day 296, with not a penny gambled in that time.

Its been a fairly positive day. Work went smoothly enough and I just enjoyed an 8 mile canal run. Nothing more to say today, other than bath, bed, sleep. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 297 and another day without gambling.

A member of staff has resigned today. She's gone from sullen and moody to happy and cheerful. She says she's so relieved to be free. I understand how she must be feeling. She's off to be a health care assistant before starting her nursing course. She's nervous about the future in that maybe its a case of out of the frying pan into the fire, but just for today she's happy and I can understand that.

I think its not just the case that its a rubbish company with poor pay that we work for but its the whole "learning disability" thing. Being constantly around people who most people would cross the road to avoid, does take its toll. Emotionally and psychologically you do get a bit f***** up. You go a bit stir crazy. I dealt with my stress through gambling but I don't do that anymore.

You get burnt out much quicker I think than working with people who maybe disabled in some way but they don't have a learning disability. That is my aim I feel. See if I can finish my Nvq here but also see If I can find a care job.. but just not learning disabilities. In reality I am burnt out now but I keep carrying on.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

P.s Its just dawned on me that ive actually made a decision about what I want to do. f*** a doodle do with cherries on top!!!!! 😉

I also dealt with my stress (and boredom) through gambling but dont do that any more.

Prompted by a user on here, I read 'The Chimp Paradox' about a year ago which was very helpful in my self-analysis. The concept of the mind having 3 subsets of Human, Computer and Chimp I found enthralling. The chimp part always needs care and nurturing and to feel good. I fed my chimp for years with gambling buzz to keep it happy. Now I struggle to find alternatives to feed my chimp - exercise does it for a small time but not long lasting...any experiences you have of this S.A ??

Hi captain... with me its like the little boy inside wants to play (the boy being the Chimp). When I was a boy I was addicted to space invader games in the arcade. The boy never grew up and later in life played on the slots instead of the games. maybe the boy would like to go back to playing on the games (X-box etc in todays games) but in reality the boy run's and keeps on running. It does it for me, for now.

The adult me is learning to live without the adrenaline rush of winning a bunch of money. The adult me knows that it always goes back from whence it came.

Hi S.A. - I took was addicted to Space Invaders! (although I wouldnt have used the term at the time I played every lunchtime and evening for a few years so it was addiction). I never 'migrated' to slots but the pattern of lunchtime and evening gambling in the bookmakers on virtual and real racing has the same pattern as the Space invaders - I never considered that comparison before now.

Permament injury prevents me from running long distances but I do 5km runs and gym work - for about an hour or two after that exercise my chimp is fed, but it needs more.

I agree re not going back to the gambling buzz and winning money as a chimp feeding method as like you say it goes back to the provider.

Glad running does it for you, hopefully if I keep searching, alternative means of feeding will appear.

Day 298, and another day without gambling.

Thanks for your imput Captain. Much to ponder in recovery as always. I will comment more on the deeper issues over the weekend.

We lost a client at work. Social services no longer funding him for day care. Another client maybe lost as its unlikely he will be able to live with his alcoholic mother for much longer (safe guarding issues)...he will go into supported living. So redundancies on the cards.

Unlikely to be me cos of my experience and the fact that am a driver.. but I wouldn't mind if it was to be honest. It would force change my way. As ive said before many times..am too stressed in this role. I do want to get my Nvq 3 finished though. The bosses may close the centre if it becomes financially unviable... again this outcome is not the end of the world for me.

Change will happen one way or the other whether I instigate it or not. I feel scared inside but also quite excited at the prospect of moving on from this job.

No gambling problems but I still feel the need to take things very much one day at a time. I have limited security or support to fall back on, but I do have more than nothing. I feel happy that ive not gambled this year. It means that if it all suddenly goes t**s up, its not a mega crisis straight away.

Thanks for listening.... S.A 🙂

Day 299 gamble free.

Well mate just texted me to cancel food and snooker Saturday night. He's done his money gambling. I texted back to say I can come round with fish n chips and a bit of shopping, but I kind of regretted it as soon as I sent it cos am only feeding his gambling cycle. I grow weary of his merry go round as others have grown weary of my merry go round in the past. I stress "in the past".

I feel the stress of a full weeks work built up in my system. I feel on edge and anxious. In the past I would be gambling now to numb my feelings, but I don't do that anymore. I want to go for a run but its belting down with rain and even I don't feel like running in the rain.

Life continues and I carry on carrying on. Thanks for listening.... S.A

I am now reading your diary every day and feel empathy with you. Kind of wish I could meet you and play snooker with you!

Only one thing I disagree with - I love running in the rain- find it more refreshing and can run faster.

Congratulations in advance on 300 days tomorrow - excellent.

Day 300 with not a penny gambled in that time.

Thanks Captain. I went for a long run this morning but struggled. I don't think am very well. Am feeling low in mood, tired and borderline depression. Plenty of practical things I need to be getting on with, like wash up dishes, tidy up my flat, do Nvq work, look for new job and on it goes but in reality I think I will have a little cat nap this afternoon. Feels like the right thing to do. Body telling me I need to rest.

No gambling thoughts, not really, but its always there in the background waiting to rear its ugly head. Job insecurity and my ability to cope with work lurks in the background to, as well as my lack of a grand plan for moving forward and the future. Cheery thoughts eh!! 😉

The thing is there ain't no point in painting a cheery picture if I don't feel cheery just because I aint gambled for a while. Say it as I feel it day by day and if I feel miserable and sorry for myself then so be it!! Thanks for listening.... S.A

Hey S.A,

300 days, fantastic achievement. you did it by day at a time rule:) Be proud!

Washing up and tidying up hey? Cleaning master is close by lol 🙂

Keep going strong, no more hiding and numbing low mood.

Your posts are inspiring as always, so keep posting and i will keep reading.

Have some rest SA, you have to listen to the body, it knows the best:)

Take care

Sandra x

Hi sa,

300 days wow, when you reflect on that its pretty awesome.

I get the no return thing, we ran out of easy options and I suppose like a petulant child we have to learn that we can't take the short cut, no matter how hard or how painful something is ultimately its down to us.

It's a life lesson I was maybe late in getting because I was surrounded by love and support I confused that with me not taking responsibility for my own life choices.

No return and no surrender. Is that a film lol

Enjoy your cat nap.

Take care

Blondiie

300 days is AMAZING, S.A! Celebrate that.

I found this link today and feel inspired by it. I think we all tend to imagine the worst sometimes (for me, that's often) and beat ourselves up with our thoughts far too often.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bEMztMaH7Y

Well done you, so pleased for you after all your hard work.

I had to change jobs twice when places closed down and each time proved a lifesaver as went on to better things so am sure this will happen for you. Have you thought about moving into the education field, some good jobs in special schools or as link workers between school and social care.

Watching zillions of walkers doing the Thames two day walk today alongside the river, don't know which is worse the blazing sun or this drizzly cold.

Sun going down a heck of a lot earlier these days.

xxx