Hope

Hey SA,

I like those numbers:-) well done!

Being on a coach always means fun lol ( as long as alcohol not involved he he)

Take care

Sandrax

SA ..

Got an out of comfort zone idea for your coach trip...I suggest you give this a go with the consent of driver of course ..;-)

Coach surfing !!!

So ..all get up in the aisle ..arms spread out ...no hands for balance and see who can surf the ride maaaan as driver swings round corners..! ...I did this coaching round Oz and had a blast and a lot of snogging .lol xx

Day 321 is under way....... and thanks both 😉

20 something twins came over for another long run. I hit the runners wall at just over 9 miles and off they went 🙁 ... but then anaerobic respiration kicked in and I regained my composure and a little speed and did 11.6 miles. It is awesome running with youngsters, pushing myself to the limit while they hardly out of breath.

I feel dodgy vision just around the corner so fluids food and maybe a little sleep is in order. No gambling issues. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 322, otherwise known as 46 weeks without a gamble of any kind.

I suppose I should be pleased with this and yet I feel just as negative and pessimistic as I always have. This thing called life feels just so utterly relentless (bit like this diary) and pointless and yet I know that life is precious and I should make the most of it cos you never know when "it" (when my life) will come to a close.

Don't get me wrong am not feeling like ending it all but I just can't see things getting any better. I can't visualise anything changing. I sit and wait for a moment of inspiration that never comes. I just don't get it do I??

Maybe I should indulge in a further round of counselling where I get to reframe my experiences so that I see the glass as half full rather than half empty. Yeah right.

Am not apologising for my negativity. Its just the way it is. Am tired. My mouth ulcer reminds me that it is here with a stinging rebuke.

I was doing some back reading to this time last year and I was feeling just as s**t in fact probably worse and on the 6th Oct 2012 I gambled... got drunk and gambled I did.

Today I will not gamble because because...... (pauses for thought)........ underneath all this self-pitying drivel I really cant see the point in standing in front of a slot machine. I use my intellect to recognise that I will not always feel as I do today and that feeding a machine is actually akin to stabbing myself in the arm and I don't particularly want to do that either.

Today I am using my diary to kind of lift my mood out of the doldrums, enough so I don't do anything stupid like gamble my money away, like gamble until the cash point says no. Thats the horrendous thing about this addiction, it only takes one f*** up to feel like its all the way back to the beginning, when in reality its not of course. Financially it would be in my case, so I better make sure it doesn't happen. Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 322 continues....

..am working hard at recovery today. Ive managed to shift my thinking and general melancholy into something more positive. Ive just had a lovely cycle to the shops. I felt very alive. Eyes wide open. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hey SA,

I can so relate to your posts. Wellbeing in this recovery is sooo important and as you say it all can spiral out of control in minutes. Rest - to keep your mind at peace, activities- icing on the cake with feeling better with yourself.

I seem to get more bad days than good ones, but as you say, gambling is not an option to escape to.

Since my last slip i feel very diferent about this addiction. I felt so cr** i can't remember last time i felt this way...what's a point to put yourself even more down than you already feel??

It's changes my friend...changes we shouldn't be waiting and expecting for, they are here and you doing it daily. Maybe don't seem like it on some days, but picture in general is a lot brighter than it was when we was gambling.

Life...ups and downs and we are human, which are here to deal with struggles every time. You are doing just that, there is no escape route - there is dealing with everything head on.

Day at a time...and tomorrow is another day:-)

Thanx for listening ha ha...

Enjoy some sunshine while you can...couse i seem to replace today with sleep lol...hey ho...ups and downs of working nation:-)

Take care

Doing fab

Sandra x

I get the mood thing too. I can be up and down like a yoyo in a single day... no, a single afternoon! Was hoping that exercise would help that! Oh well.... onwards. Thanks for your post, S.A (I always think that stands for "South Africa" for some reason!)

Hi SA,

Thanks for your post on my diary, I know you've shared many of the same downs and further downs that I have had over the years, but when it comes to the glass half full analogy, the fact is that if I was gambling the glass would be empty as I would not care enough to fill it, or have enough money to fill it, even to the halfway point. Maybe its a facetious look at the analogy, but that's just me.

Life is hard at times, indeed, at a lot of times, but if we want to get to the point where it isn't quite so hard, then staying gamble free is a vital part of that.

Glad your bike ride perked you up, all the best for the week ahead.

Ryan

Day 323 without a penny gambled in that time.

Thanks Sandra, Carla and Ryan 🙂

Day off today, which is a mixed blessing. Lovely not to be at work and potentially getting hit but also what to do with the day??

Today is an ideal time to get stuck into those area's of my life that need attention but give rise to a knot of anxiety within and usually get shelved...namely; doing NVQ work, looking for a new job and finding myself some company of the opposite s*x, which in reality means the dreaded internet dating!

I am tired of being alone all the time. Whilst life is simpler on your own it can also be much more stressful I think because your over-reliant on your own inner resources to cope with what life throws your way.

I guess it doesn't matter so much if you have lots of friends and family near by but most of the friends I have are male gambling addicts in relapse or work colleagues and nearest family are 200 mile saway.

Sometimes I just want a hug from someone of the opposite s*x and to tell me that I am ok. Sometimes telling myself that just isn't enough. There are basic unmet needs within me, within us all of course. Its not just a s*x thing. hello Maslow and your hierarchy of needs.

Anyway I signed up to site.. am already getting fed of reading the following.... "I am looking for a confident man who knows what he wants in life.... " How about "emotionally needy male in stressful low paid job without own transport...." lol Am not the best at selling myself 😉 Anyway must persevere eh.

I have applied for a couple of jobs and updated CV so that's positive. No NVQ work though.

I wasn't planning on being so open in this post but I have been. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Thanks for your post. Yes, being with my neighbour... I could be that tree you spoke of too! And I can also very much relate to your post of today too. We all need some physical contact, I think, and you've only had the courage to say what many of us won't. Wish I could reach out and give you that hug. For me, anytime I've even come close to any kind of intimacy which I do also crave, I just push it away! Where's the logic in that? Guess it's buried deep inside and summed up by how people like us "sell ourselves". We don't. We don't feel worthy, I suppose... at least for me. They do say that you should have a year of abstaining under your belt before even entertaining ideas of a relationship. Have you ever considered doing some volunteer work? That might get you out meeting some new people.

Day 323 comes to a close...

Yes, Carla, not feeling worthy, low self-esteem that pretty much sums me up. Ive done so much to help others over the years, that I should (you would think) feel good about myself, but I don't... everyday I swing my legs out of bed and think "gee, here we go again" and when you don't feel good about yourself its very hard to put yourself forward and sell yourself.. which is pretty much what the dating game is all about.

Volunteering is a good idea, cos I can get to know new people without the pressure... but I also feel like I need to get my paid employment sorted first. Am full of excuses. It all feels a bit s**t to be honest. I kinda feel like I will be here this time next year and nothing will have changed, yet again! year on year with no change or no positive change anyway.

Thoughts of playing the lottery "life changing" as the advert down the side of my screen on a different tab says. Don't get me wrong I won't do the lottery "just for today" (and I haven't played it for 9 years) but am not feeling confident that I will get through the autumn/Christmas/winter season without gambling.

On that cheery note am off to contemplate my return to work. Who's going to batter me tomorrow I wonder. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Thanks 4 ur support on my diary. It means a lot 🙂

I am sorry 2 read u r feeling down, I hope things get better 4 u soon. U deserve 2 be happy 🙂

A huge well done on 323 days gamble free, u r doing brilliant. It gives me hope 🙂

Stay strong xx

Day 324 with not a penny gambled in that time.

Thanks Charlotte 🙂

Am feeling better in myself, even though am tired with mouth ulcer. I feel more self-confident today and self-esteem is improving.

Am back on an even keel and focussed on remaining gamble free. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

That's 46.28 weeks in my estimation SA. ....wow!!! Fantastic and well done you...

Keep Calm And Suck Zinc Lozenges ! Xx

Hi S.A

Thanks for the post , picked up on a couple of similarities the 1st one on how you were feeling with views on life I myself been having the same feelings , also I live alone which like yourself most of the time I like but the odd days something is missing ,I always find Xmas a struggle on that front

I don't know you feel on this one but since abstaining from gambling my stress levels are much higher esp with work for me I guess gambling released the stress in one way but obviously brought it on in another way

All very strange in a way however huge congratulations on the 46 weeks despite how you feel it's still an amazing achievement

Castle2