Hope

Other peoples issues can be a good barometer to gauge how far you've come in your own recovery SA but I know you will keep focussed on your own ....

The daily commune with yourself on here and also looking out for likeminded comrades keeps you on track does it not..

guessing your blood sugars have crept back up and you are not seeing zig zags today...don't overdo it ..lol

Xxxx

Hey SA,

Thanx for popping in...and understanding..i did manage to navigate and topped it off with loooong run...( bloody windy here today) ...but i made it:-)

All good...keeping strong and holding tight on the wagon:-)

Take care

Sandra x

Day 316....

Thanks both 🙂 The daily commune with myself, I like the way you put it Rach and that's exactly what it is.

Today has been ok...for a Monday anyway. The most challenging client kicked off today but not when I was with him, so that was kinda lucky. Work is generally s**t and up in the air. The new staff are not much cop and not much fun to work with. You need to have personality in this kind of job. I think those of us who have been there a while are just waiting for them to close the place down. Part of me wants to see this through to the bitter end and part of me wants out right now. Steady job search is the way to go.

No gambling thoughts. Its pay day today and first thing ive done when I got home is to pay everything that needed to be paid so now I can forget about rent and bills for several weeks. I do enjoy being able to pay my way, makes me feel adult and proper and mature and responsible and more secure. I still feel on edge in life but less so than when am gambling and I don't have a pot to *** in. Every little step away from that the cliff has to be a good thing.

Thanks for listening.... S.A 🙂

Day 316 comes to a close...

Ive just had a cracking 7 mile road run. Personal bests for 1km, 1 mile and 5 km on the Garmin watch. Just wanted to log this for posterity. Onwards... S.A 🙂

Day 317....

Ive felt really irritated by other staff today. Some people are just complete numpties... i'm sorry but they are. I guess am tired after yesterdays run.

Also, only two of us actually have the physical fitness to be able to run around after and with the clients. I guess I should feel good that I am one of them, but sometimes i'd quite like to join the brigade of folk who just sit and play on their phones.

Anyway no gambling thoughts here. Onwards and forwards... S.A 🙂

Hey SA

Thank you for posting the other day ....it's weird , as I would never have automatically connected perfectionism with abandonment but like you I guess this is a part of our story...

I can also understand what you mean about underachievement as my close pal is the same and I am forever encouraging / controlling him to go for things workwise that are more on par with his intelligence..it normally ends in a row so I've given up..lol

I can see now you would have felt abandoned over your folks and you are right it wasn't your fault but we end up thinking its something we have done and if we are really good it will mean we can keep safe.

This is where a lot of my overcompensation stuff comes from as in my mind if I do more than everyone else at work they have not got any cause to tell me off.

On the rare occasion that happens I react badly as it's normally over something really trivial and I kick off citing all the stuff I "do for them" which is not my job description. I guess I make up my own give and take rules up in the workplace.

I guess it's also why I get really angry at pee takers in work as I know I'm over pulling my weight,

R and D xxx

Hey SA,

Reading about your struggles at work reminds me a lot of a job I was in last year...having taking a promotion in the office for a tiny pay rise the level of work just ballooned and I ended up working till six or seven several nights a week. I couldn't handle it myself, so took the hit and was lucky enough to get back my old job.

Our company is in year two of three of restructuring, so I know that next April there's going to be another bunch of cuts, I half fancy the redundancy package so I can get to travel a bit and enjoy life for a while, but we'll see.

I'm an old head in the job I'm in, and although the pay is s**t, at least it kind of suits me. I envy you your fitness, I've been neglecting mine for the last decade, so frankly I need to get back on it, but I'm starting off with long walks, and running might be on the cards in a while down the line once I shake off some of my belly rolls.

Keep up the good work mate, you're an inspiration to those of us just getting back on this bicycle. Metaphorical bicycle of course, the real bicycle is also a bit too much like hard work!

All the best

Ryan

Hey SA,

Hope it's better day today...thanx for your support and take care.

Sandra x

Day 318.... with not a penny gambled in that time

Thanks both. In many ways Ryan redundancy would be a blessed relief and it would force me to find something else.

The company I work for is constantly looking at ways to save money and no doubt increase profits for the owners. Today I was informed that I was paid 20 hours too much annual leave last year through no fault of my own... so my annual leave entitlement for this year has been reduced.

Its also the case that as of yesterday day centre staff with less than 2 years service are being paid less than the minimum wage. That won't stand of course, cos there will be an outcry and the organisation will get "outed" but as yet there has been no letter to staff detailing an across the board pay rise to reflect the rise in the minimum wage. If striking teachers think they have it bad then come and work in the charity/private sector. Its s**t.

I feel like change will be forced upon me one way or another and in the relatively near future. Whether I cope with it without going into melt down only time will tell. But just for today I will not be gambling and tomorrow I will be saying exactly the same thing. Thanks for listening..... S.A

Hi SA

Just catching up and popped in to say "hi"! Sorry to hear things at work are challenging- its a bummer when the beaurocracy within organisations is more challenging than the service users and something I too struggle with.

Well done on the gamble free time, it sounds like you're doing great 🙂

Take care

Irene

x

Day 319 and no gambling.

Thanks Irene. I is a bit drunk. It been a while since I been a bit drunk but today am a bit drunk. It ghood to post when in different head spaces and todays head space is not of the totallysober variety.

Me and work mate had a c7ycle to the pub like we do occasionbally and drunk beer and then more cycling which is kinda fun after a few beers. I am 41 and he is 54 and we should know better lol

No gambling and that is a good thing. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

drink water! And maybe more water....

I'm personally lovin "occasionbally" but joking aside ...keep safe SA ...

R and D x

Day 320 begins, which is another day saying no to gambling.

Thanks Rach. I like writing a little something after a few beers. I think am writing without speeling mistakes but they always creep in... it shows how much the drink messes with my brain. I had 4 medium strength beers but I have a low tolerance to alcohol (especially as i rarely drink now) so to be honest I was pretty merry after two.

Am feeling suitably depressed this morning but thankfully its a day off... that's the reason it happened in the first place. I am no longer able to drink of an evening and then function properly at work the next day, so I don't do it.

Am still playing with fire though. Am thinking about patterns of behaviour, my patterns of behaviour. Drink, leading to gambling.. usual stuff. Even the first mouth ulcer of the autumn season has arrived right on cue. I haven't had one since last winter, so its defo a seasonal thing.

Even the patterns on the forum are much the same as they have always been. All you need is a few key writers to announce that they don't need this place so much for lots of folk to then drift away only to return 6 months later under a new username and even deeper in the s**t.

I'd like to think that am using my intellect to recognise that I still need this place especially as I feel a level of stress and depression most of the time and until I manage to make changes then I can't expect my state of mind to change a great deal any time soon. The only caveat today is that am slightly more morose because of last nights beer. Anyway that's me folks. Thanks for listening.... S.A

Hey SA

Yep functional depression ...I tired to post a link but it's not pasting...I can also very much identify with it and add it to my label list...lol ...

Without a clear definition of CG or whatever I am always jig sawing together labels so I know on a daily basis what animal I'm dealing with ..lol

Functional depression I think is my normal operational mode..it's like your split but not in a schizophrenic way...more like an actor who plays a part which is why I could identify with that guy for the borderline link I posted a week or so ago.

I literally act all day ...

Also after a few scoops usually feel fragile and mentally weak which i guess is the connection between having lowered defences and the gam gremlins seeing an opportunity to pop in...xx

Day 320 drawing to a close...

... yes I can do a good act as well Rach. Its kind of a requirement at my work, to socialise with the clients, to be upbeat and positive, its part of the role. Its only when I get home that I can just sit and be miserable if that is how I may feel.

I didn't realise until I went out how messed up I was feeling after yesterdays boozing. I was anxious and paranoid and then I couldn't remember the pin for my cash card. I was just standing at the cash point like a numpty trying to recall 4 numbers. Eventually I got there but not before the queue behind me had grown a few folk.

Its taken until this evening to start feeling alive and well again. I shouldn't drink more than a pint or two really or "a" glass of wine with a meal, cos I just can't cope with the aftermath.

I used to get mega drunk most weekends when I was a teenager and beyond. It must have had long term implications. My short term memory is particularly bad. Anyhow all is good at this moment in time.

I will be off to do the great south run later in the month once more. I managed to get mega cheap "fun fare" coach travel cos I booked well in advance. Does it mean I have to have fun on the coach?? .... what happens if am a miserable b*****d, do I get chucked off?? 😉

Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂