Hope

Hi S.A,

Just a quick note to say hey. I imagined you falling just now, and then, just right before hitting the ground you sprouted these enormous wings-- and you took flight.... ((((S.A)))) -joanxxx

Yo,

Just wanted to add my support to the other fine posters.

I know that you are struggling as to what to do for the best , and you feel that your back is against the wall .

But have no doubt that you will come up with a decision for all the right reasons .

Then I suppose it's just a question of not second guessing yourself .( something that I have a gold Olympic medal in lol )

Take care my friend , for you to have remained strong and kept your recovery tact through all this is amazing , and should not be underestimated .

Shiny xxxxx

Day 462 continues....

Thank you all.

What will be is what will be.

I think these tablets might be kicking in. I been taking them for a week 10 days or so and am starting to feel less anxious and not so depressed. They don't solve lifes problems of course but slightly to my surprise they do seem to be having an impact of sorts.

I been for a run... 9 miles in blowy conditions.. but it felt good. Got back, had lunch and then proceeded to strip the wall paper off my bedroom walls. Ive been meaning to do this for several years but have never quite got round to it. Ive even done a some cleaning which seldom happens in my world.

I thought I was going to spend the day lying around and escaping myself but ive done positive stuff.. so that's good. Maybe in a few hours my mood will drop but just for now I will enjoy the positive feelings I have. Thanks for listening... S.A

Good to read about your positive feelings and productive time spent, long may this continue for you SA

S.A.,

Just had to drop in to report that on the way out to do our grocery shopping, I told my partner what you said about tossing your problems into the center of the circle and then running away and we both laughed all the way and back. Lol. Good one!! -joanxxxx

Day 463 gambling free...

Its time to make a d**n decision! For f*** sake!!

Make a decision and live with it.

Hi there, completely understand your frame of mind as have been there a few times in the past.

Just remember that your old company want to keep you as they know they are on to a good thing as you have many skills, which is very apparent in posts you have written over the months and that all those skills and your caring nature are transferable to anything you take on in the future.

Make a decision but don't live with it if it turns out to be the wrong one for you, just move on again as it is important you are happy.

Bossy or what, sorry better at speaking than writing but hope you get the jist.

And all that turmoil without gambling - respect as the kids would say.

xxx

Day 463 draws to a close..... and thanks dragonfly..you make a lot of sense.

It was always going to be a difficult day today... and everything is still up in the air. So much indecision and dithering and staring at the phone and pacing about. I felt as if I was going mad. Maybe I have gone mad.

Anyway I decided I wanted to go back to my old place of work (part time) so I texted old boss, but she didn't reply but then my ex-colleagues came round in the mini-bus and said that boss was trying to release me from the place I should be working at, but she just hadn't told me and she still hasn't. So anyway I texted new place (am not at lol) saying I didn't know what I wanted to do and I would phone them tomorrow... no reply from them either.

Meanwhile agency phoned me saying they had a shift for me at this residential/school place for kids with autism... so I said yes and off I went... an hours hard cycling each way... and a whole bunch of new people with disabilities. As it happens the kids I was with were 16 plus.. so adults really.

Glad I went though, I was going crazy in my flat not making decisions and then making decisions and waiting for managers to reply who then didn't reply. I pre-dict a very similar scenario tomorrow. Am back to do another agency shift at the kids place. This whole work thing is going to take time to resolve.

One thing I know for sure is that I won't be gambling. Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 465 gambling free...

Taking things one day at a time, what more can any of us do.... I maybe offline for a couple of days due to circumstances.. but it doesn't mean that am back at it. No gambling for me.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 466 with not a single penny gambled in that time.

Am feeling quite chirpy and upbeat after a really difficult few days. I think its partly that the anti-depressants are kicking in. My immediate work situation is slowly becoming clearer. The bottom line is that I will be leaving the company and picking up shifts elsewhere for the short term.. which is exactly what I had planned to do originally. This is my decision after much angst and stress... and I will live with it. Life carries on regardless one day at a time.

Ive come home to a bomb site of a flat. The council has been re-wiring my flat... but hey ho at least they've done it now.

As for gambling... well in the past I would have had a big binge by now... the pressure of life would have got to me and I'd of emptied my bank account into the machines. Not now though.... not any more! Gambling can go f*** off!!

Thanks for listening... S.A

Yo,

I really hope there is some relief in the fact you have made your choice .

No second guessing !!!!!!!!!!

For what's it worth , having turned my own life inside out and upside down , sort of feel that you made the right choice .

Wish you all the best ........ But hay you know that already ...

Take care friend !

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Wow day 466 well 467 today. That's phenomenal. Really well played SA you've dealt with everything so well and I'm glad your changing your work situation, I know your work has been some what stressful at times - understatement!! Lol. Hope everything works out for you. Thanks for all the support you have given me in the past. Keep driving forward.

Day 467 gambling free and thanks for your support Shiny and Dave.

Am feeling exceptionally tired even though I haven't been working today. I guess recent stress is catching up with me. Am now settled in my thoughts about exited company stage left and the nuts and bolts of how am going to do it.

As for gambling well I protect myself by not doing the things that trigger me to want to gamble.. like getting drunk or taking myself off into the city to "have a look around".

Gambling is just a complete and utter self-destructive waste of time.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

I know you say you are working in care, but are you sure it isn't the mafia? Isn't the line from 'The Sopranos' - "I think I get out, and they pull me back in". You'll be well rid of them once you finally get the cord cut. You're absolutely right about gambling, a self destructive waste of time. God knows how many hours and pounds of my time and money have gone down that particular drain.

All the best mate.

Ryan

PS. I don't think you've gone crazy.

Hi SA, I've been away for a bit and I've just caught up in your diary. I think you've made great strides, yes you've wasted a lot of energy on worrying but that's ok because you're going through an uncertain amount of change. However, you've stuck it out, you haven't crumbled, you haven't gambled, you haven't 'pisssed your worries up the wall,' and you certainly haven't gone mad. That was as bad as it gets and you toughed it out, easy. Of course you'll feel a little drained but that's part of the course, rest up and relax with a smile and a whistle ready for the next challenge. Hopefully more work will come your way soon. Network, ask new colleagues in work for different agencies or avenues to gain more hours. Remember, this is only the beginning and it's going to be good. Good luck SA.

Oh, I think you should consider a triathlon with all the running, cycling and the swimming you do. You must have a resting pulse of about 52.

Regards as always

Laz