Hope

Hey SA, 🙂

Thank you for your support once again, and even you find yourself in grey Monday, I can see positivity start to shine through. Make it Monday to enjoy. Maybe trainers bk on?? First time yesterday after couple of days I made myself to go for a run..o*g - wasn't it fantastic!!! Good to see you keeping belief and determination to move forward. You are worth it my friend.

Very well done on g free time, you are surely on the right track 🙂

Keep it up soldier!!!

S xx

Day 457 otherwise known as 15 months without a bet of any kind.

This above is good news but everything else is pants. Ive spent much of the last 24 hours lying in bed.... am feeling like a failure in life.

Thanks for listening... S.A

S.A,

Day 457 otherwise known as 15 months without a bet of any kind

This shows your not a failure. Simple as that. Whatever else is going on in your life will take care of itself, but the fact you've not gambled in 15 months is an extraordinary achievement.

Thank you Martin. I appreciate what you say. I just woosh I could be more positive and upbeat after this decent length of time without gambling. As it is am just stuck in a quagmire of indecision and stress. My official new place of work is phoning me. I need to phone them but I can't because I don't know what to say... so back to bed

S.A.

15 months of abstinence is an incredible achievement. I am delighted for you.

As for you, ride this out and you will be fine. You asked me recently if I had been running and the truth is I haven't. Long story short, my wife has been in hospital for weeks and weeks now and it is very hard for me to get out a run at the weekends because I have the kids (during the week they are staying at both grans). Anyway, I have got up at 5am the past two morning to go for a good run and I feel amazing for it. I have missed my runs and as I have said many times on my diary my runs serve as good therapy for me and this might ring true for you too.

You were making great improvements with your running and were very committed to your training. I hope you continue this because you will see the reward in your race times later in the year.

Most importantly, you are going through a difficult patch at the moment and as a runner you should know that today you will benefit massively from getting off that couch or out of that bed and get the running shoes on and get out the door and feel the fresh air on your face as you run all those worries out of your system.

Be kind to yourself.

Take care buddy.

Tomso.

Day 457 continues...

Thanks Tomso and your spot on in what you say. I will try my best to ride out the storm. Also I was running 5 days a week and plenty of mileage and suddenly I stopped when I got ill and then didn't start again when the job change/resignation thing came along. I will go for a run later. Like you say the 5 a.m runs sets one up for the day on a good note.

After much picking up the phone and putting it down again I rang work and Monday is my new self-imposed deadline for making a decision about work things.. make a go of the new place or back to old place or cast myself adrift and agency work. On it goes... mental health slightly better than yesterday... S.A

Just wanted to post on your diary to say how important people like yourself are. 457 days is a fantastic achievement, and something to be proud of. I've not read your entire diary, but have read some big chunks of it and found it inspiring.

This place needs people who tell their story, and show their path. It also needs people who are there to support them. You do both.

I've not been on this site for around 5 years, not all of them gambling free, but I apart from a 2 month blip over 3 years ago they have. People like you on this site, were the reason I started, continued and found the strength to tackle my addiction.

Keep up the diary and posts on others diaries. I wish I had had the strength to continue to support others, but my journey needed me to take time away.

Day 458 gambling free.

Thanks for your thoughts Doodle and well done for your own efforts in recovery.

Todays phrase "Feel the fear and do it anyway"

I am generally a fearful person. This morning all I had to do was phone up the agency and say what my availability was. But what is my availability? Decisions to be made! Anyway after much umming and rrrrrring I made a decision and went with it.. for good or for bad...the decision was made. I feel my angst melt away a little now that the call has been made. Now its out of my hands and down to the agency.

If I do nothing else positive today, then that's ok, cos ive done one positive thing.

No gambling problems... S.A

Hey SA,

Fear??o*g we are so similar...I have so much fear, doubt, and lack of confidence.(u wouldn't tell here lol), but hey, it is amzing feeling to get over fear isn't it, such a great feeling of achievement!! You've done it my friend, you got over your fear today, for that I salute you :-))

Really hope calmer waters keeps coming in your life, you are so worth peace and happiness in ur life.

Well done on g free time, I am well impressed and happy for you!!! Gonna go and dedicate my 10 miles of running to you my friend :-)) will keep me motivated to finish my track lol

Take care

Day at a time

S x

Day 460 gambling free.

Thanks Sandra and great stuff on your 10 miles. My mileage has really dropped off in the last few weeks.

I had a nice day yesterday. Sister and her little boy came to visit. We had a good time and finished off with a carvery. They insisted on paying which left me with uncomfortable feelings. It is true that they are well off but I like to pay my way if I can, which I could... but then deep down I also know that I need to squirrel money away because lean times could well be just around the corner.

I am burying my head in the sand about work. I don't want to think about it and yet I know that I must. I feel like a child that hides their face behind their hands or under a duvet cover hoping that everything they want to avoid will just go away. Avoidance of personal responsibility when your a child is one thing but when your an adult it has very real consequences.

Lets see what today brings. lets see what I bring to the day, if anything. One thing I do know is that I will not be gambling and making things even worse. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi S.A,

Burnout on the job is not a walk in the park. You are manning up to it just fine. Give yourself this time to reboot, and try not to be so hard on yourself about it. Think about what you have given those folks with intellectual disabilities. It's an extremely difficult job you do man. I know it first hand because I have been in the field for over 30 years now. You are tired and in need of some rest. Take good care of yourself. Treat yourself like you would one of those ( I was gonna say something naughty but, I won't) ahem, individuals you support so well. Hug coming your way dear S.A. -joanxxx

Day 461 gambling free.

Thanks Joan. I'd be completely lost without you guys and gals lifting my spirits.

Wayne Rooney's new contract.. £300,000 per week!! One weeks wages would sort me out for a life time. The way I am going at the moment I will have no income at all. Decision day Monday. Am still busy burying my head in the sand, pushing thoughts away. Tick tock tick tock... time passes.

No gambling. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

My thoughts are with you. You seem like going through very tough time at this time in your life. Never give up giving up, make that decision and settle with it. Don't be too hard on yourself, it is not easy but the choice has to be made.

Keep breathing and believing. You are worth so much in your life and i'm sure good things will start coming in really soon...take it easy and stay safe

Inspiring achievement on g free days. Be proud SA and well done 🙂

Take care

S x

Day 462 or 66 weeks with not a penny gambled on anything. For that I am truly grateful.

Ah thank you Sandra. To be honest it is hard not to be hard on myself. I feel on a down ward trajectory and I feel powerless to stop myself falling. I still have not decided what I will do when I pick up the phone tomorrow but like you say Sandra I will have to make my decisions and live with it.

Thanks for listening... S.A

SA

Fella I hope the choice you make is one you are confident with.

Remember look after number one.

Yourself.

Duncs stepping forward never back.