Hope

Hey SA,

Thanx for the post. Really coming over with tail between my legs cause of my last post. Not sure why I find some things funny which are completely normal in life. Anyway, enough of that and plz accept my apology.

On a more positive note, really good to see you finding peace and allowing yourself some well deserved rest. I understand what you mean about keeping urself busy, and a bit of decorating will bring lovely feeling seeing flat refreshed, esp with your own hard work you are gonna put in.

Running footwear eh? Yep, I suppose price not always proves the quality. ..still good to see you, keeping your exercising up, good for the body and soul. I seem to slow down on that front, and I think I should concentrate on this hobby once more.

Feel like rambling, just have a lovely weekend, enjoy, relax and make the most of it.

Regards

Sandra 🙂

Ps. Great achievement on g free days as always, onwards and upwards! !

Thanks for that lovely kind comment on my thread 🙂

We can all be healers - with our words, with a smile, with our humour, with the warmth coming from our eyes that says "I understand, and I'm sorry for your pain".

Takes one to know one.... 🙂

Day 1

Drinking then gambling then chasing...then misery and despair. Am in shock at how suddenly I jumped off the gambling cliff, crashed and burnt.

What else is there to say?. My capacity for self-destruct..... f*** s**t f*** f*** fucvk...

Geee... I feel awful....

Hi SA

Am sending you a big hug I have just read your post and I feel sick for you am here for you

Day one ok take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself you have come too far you have had a slip get back on that roller coaster and keep going

You went under. But you have come back up

Keep safe

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne.

I feel scared. I was shaking like a leaf when I went to check my bank balance online.. and its as bad as I thought. All the money earnt and saved from the stressful work I do, gone in a few hours of craziness. f***.

I written this sort of stuff so many times before that it beggars belief. I am one sick f***.

Am really forcing myself to write this stuff... cos its got to come out. If it remains my dirty little secret then I will gamble again... that's what ive learnt from the past. To draw a line under it its got to come out.

Went out with my mate. Thought I'd be safe cos I was company. But mate did one and I was left alone drunk. No excuse, but then I just wasn;t strong enough to resist... 6 hours later, the sun was up, the shoppers were out.. and I was still gambling. I won my money back at one point and then lost the lot and more.

It seems so stupid to write this stuff... classic compulsive gambler, classic patterns of behaviour. Am nothing special.. just an addict ... drinking, gambling addict... and then pre-dictabl;y the let down feelings.. now the panic.. how to survive andf get through. No work booked in. family visit later in the week. Fixed smile.. yes am fine. Am not fine am f****d.

Ya do I do just feel so daft... as my mum would say... "just don't do it!"... but I have

Where do I go from here?

Start over and cling on to hope... again!

Hi SA

It's not stupid and you are not stupid we can never underestimate this awful destructive addiction that suddenly comes back from nowhere

Understand the fixed smile understand feeling scared and panic It's total s**t

Try and just let it go say it's beaten me No more to give the s******g addiction

I know how hard it is for you today I can feel it

Just let it go

Don't be too hard on yourself

Suzanne xx

See if I can react differently this time. I am a fighter not a quitter. Feeling sorry for self serves no purpose. Hey I went for over 20 months... that's a good achievement.

Ive gambled, am in the s**t but now I can and will get out of the s**t once more and get back to living a normal life

Thanks Suzanne.... and yes it is very hard today

Yes you are a FIGHTER not a quitter you have proved it by coming so far yes think POSITIVE SA you are worth it

Look what you have achieved I am not even a quarter of the way you have got to in your recovery a slip out of the time you have abstained is so small when you look at the bigger picture

Suzanne xx

SA

fella that is truly Sh#it to read,but thanks for writing it my friend,I hope it gifts you the therapy you need from it and it shows that addiction will always be ever present.

I wore those shoes,the 30/10/2013 for me the day that I left my recovery at the door of the bookies for those 3 hrs, 3hrs of self gifted mind f**k,was it any different to all the times in my life I gambled?? in a way it wasn't but in another way it was,it was for me a kind of goodbye.

That day I did realise that gambling is an unacceptable act in my life,it will take everything I have,because simply I will freely give it,no win enough,the money just the fuel.

Fella you have dine the right thing,take the help out there to rebuild,it is what it is.

You cannot change it,you used to run back to it,today you stood to face it.

I know my words will sound hollow, f**k I know that numb feeling,the head f**k.

You are at a fork in the road,I am by your side,unconditionally as you were for me when I went back at it.

Keeping discharging the sh#it,as you rightly said it will only breed and gift you more of it.

I hope this is your last day 1,I do understand the reason for resetting the clock in some regard,but don't let addiction taunt you with it.

As I said,it's unconditional

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi S.A,

I just wanted to check in to say that I am here along with Duncs and all of the others. We have all been there. I can never say never but, I know that gambling cannot take away what I have learned about myself and this addiction up to this point. I am not the same person I was when I started this journey and neither are you. We have all come a long way. Keep going S.A. Keep discovering. Today is the only day that really matters. Blah, blah blabbity blah.. I do mean it S.A. ((((((S.A))))))) -joanxxxx

Hi SA,

Only few lines, cause others said it all...

Your pain is my pain - don't let the mind f*** get you down. You are stronger than before.

(((SA)))) x

Thank you friends 🙂

The disappointment I feel in myself is intense... together with the panicky feelings as I think about money lost and wondering how I will get through the next few weeks with little or no work. What makes it worse is that this cycle and pattern of behaviour has been going on my whole adult life with the last 6 years or so being documented here.

My friend came over yesterday which was nice. he is also a compulsive gambler. he says he saw it coming (woosh hed said). he said the last few weeks I'd started drinking to get drunk rather than a couple of drinks to be social. he also pointed out how I seemed zoned out and not with it when we met. anyway we played chess and did normal stuff.

Today is a new day and moving forward again. As Dunc's says another folk in the road and another opportunity to change my ways and step off the merry go round.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Morning S.A

Today is a new day and a new opportunity for you

Recovery is ongoing and I guess always will be but you have not stopped recovering every day is a day forward

You will be much stronger and wiser now and more determined

I can relate to the zoned out feeling it's like when we are in the middle of the oblivion of gambling our minds must be switched off to reality and that is when it can and does strike

Am proud to be on this roller coaster ride with you SA

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne 🙂

I think the point my friend made was how I was becoming zoned out and THEN I gambled, but yes as you say when in a gambling fog ya become even more zoned out. Work stress was a major factor this time I think, as it often is, pushing myself to the limit mentally and psychologically and physically. I have another opportunity to find new work that's not so draining.

It crosses my mind how I dance around with different addictions (gambling being the worst) but in those times when am not dancing with addictions I start to feel better. But then I sabotage myself... and then more time passes. I try to remind myself that life is a marathon, not a sprint... but it often feels like am in a hurry. In a hurry getting nowhere.

Thanks for listening... S.A