Hope

Just leaving a cyber (((((Hug)))))) waiting to greet you, when you feel ready to return.

Take care,

f x

Hi SA,

Hope all is good with yourself. Just coming by to thank you for all the help and support you have offered to me on my journey. Really appreciated.

Take a good care of you, don't let dark days take over..life can be better, we all hav a choice eh?

Take care my friend

Sandra x

Thanks all. Well am back, very much with tail between my legs. Gambled again. Tempted to go back to the cash point to try and win back money lost but instead ive logged on.

I do of course feel wretched. I think that maybe Robin Williams had the right idea. Will I ever be free of this awful compulsion of mine to gamble? Round and round I go, where am I going, nobody knows.

Anyway whats done is done I draw my line in the sand once more. No gambling. Time to get back to dealing with lifes problems rather than running away from them. I know what to do. I know how to go for long periods of time gambling free.... its just a question of continuing to apply what I know.

Thanks for listening...S.A

Hi S.A,

You made the right choice coming back here instead of going back to the hell hole. You know what's going to happen if you try to win money back. It's a lose, lose situation.

I'm a slots addict too. Sometimes we believe on some level that we can handle and deserve that little taste. We believe that little liar in our heads that tells us we might just get lucky.

The problem is and apparently always was for us, that little taste leads to a full blown desire to jump back in with both feet. Before you know it we're in there splashing around like fools without a care. Living this day like the next will never come. That is until the money runs out...

What's next? Lies? Payday loans? Robbing Peter to pay Paul? I don't believe we will ever be completely free of this awful compulsion but, you are right. We do know how to stay gamble free for long periods of time.

Stick around S.A. Give it some time again. We're not perfect people. We are not bad people. We are just regular folks that go a little nuts sometimes. (((((S.A)))) -joanxxx

Don't be too hard on yourself. You accomplished so much and can do it again. I am feeling with you. (((SA)))

SA

If you really are feeling that "Robin Williams had the right idea" it is time to go and see your GP asap.

There are alternatives to medication, but doing nothing about that state of mind is - if you pardon the ironic use of the word - madness.

You've always been reluctant to get that kind of help though, I know.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Take care,

f x

Hi SA

I really feel for you but you have done it and abstained for so long don't let this awful addiction control you now

You are worth 100 % plus more than than this addiction

It doesn't really matter if you have slipped what matters is you

What Freda says makes sense

Thinking of you

Suzanne. Xx

Hi SA,

We both know that one slip puts us on to dodgy footing, and makes it easy to turn a slip into a full on stumble. So many times before I've gambled once, and have found willpower down so have slipped again and before I know it I'm back to that compulsive moron feeding money into a machine.

You know exactly what you need to do mate, you said it right there. Draw that line in the sand, do not give in, don't let the voices push you back to the same kind of state that I, and maybe you have been in before.

Hope you're okay mate, don't let that Robin Williams talk lead to anything, you can see how much pain that causes to everyone around the person committing suicide. Yes its tough, but you can get through this.

Thoughts with you tonight mate,

Ryan

Hi S.A

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Please stay strong.

Gazza

SA

My honorable friend there is no reason to have your tail between your legs,Freda is so right in what she writes fella,it is time to seek help.

You are not alone, don't let addiction isolate you from the world because that is what it will do shut the door between you and reality.

Far play life is not a bed of roses,life throws curve balls at us all the time,couple that with mental health problems I fully understand how difficult reality is at times.

I hope you find your therapy here again my friend,it truly is an honor to have you by my side upon this journey.

Together we stand.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Time to spill my guts.

When I gambled on the night of Saturday 27th/28th July after 615 days of having gambled nothing.... it wasn't just a single event, a lapse, a slip (call it what you will)... it led to full relapse with all the predictable consequences.. rapid financial decline and personal misery. In short the last 3 weeks iv'e lost my way.

The final straw came yesterday when I nearly became stranded at a motorway service station as I lost track of time when trying to win back money lost. I was on a coach coming back from house sitting at my sisters and the driver had his break at this service station. I was straight on the 500 machines and lost 200 in twenty minutes. It had to pay at some point didn't it??... it didn't. I "just" got the coach and totally stressed out. It wasn't the end. I then completed doing my b*****ks at the end of the journey. Feeding the notes until all monies gone. I really didn't care anymore.

So there we go ive taken myself back to hell again and the devil has beaten me black and blue once more

Why do I do it to myself? Its easy to leave that question unanswered but maybe I will try and answer it.

I had certainly been very stressed at work, though happy to be earning reasonable money for someone working in care. I had also been tired pretty much all the time with the cycling to work, running etc. But perhaps the bigger point was that it was all seemed so relentless. With the exception of the odd running event I really couldn't think of anything at all to look forward to... just more of the same. Excuses, excuses.

It was a weird thing when I got back on that coach after having done my b*****ks. The driver had the radio on and there was this discussion going on about relationships and how "fun" they can be. There it is in a nutshell I spose. The longer I keep myself in self-imposed isolation the closer addiction comes. On a sub-conscious level gambling is my "fun" even though its not fun at all is it? Finding new ways to have fun and enjoy myself is my way forward.

I don't want to gamble. Honestly. I really don't want to gamble. Its just when life feels too much it becomes my escape.

I try not to be too hard on myself. I have over the last 15 years since I first started to try and stop gambling gone for one period of 2 years 9 months and two periods of more 18 months and a couple of times of 6 months plus and several periods of 3 months plus... completely gambling free.

I feel like the nearly man. So close to not gambling at all and yet always sabotaging myself at the last moment. As someone once said to me "you try to do recovery perfectly and end up not doing it at all". Some truth in that. I continue to be a work in progress.

As you can imagine its been hard to write back to anyone else because my head has been in such a bad place. I aim to get back to regular writing and replying as I start to get well once more.

No more day counting, that's gone for good... it doesn't help anymore. But for the record my last bet was yesterday 17/08/2014. This diary is just a life diary. As well as talking about difficult times I also aim to write positive things about making progress. It has been a support to me for many years and maybe it will follow me to the grave after having lived to ripe old age and not because of having killed myself because of gambling addiction.

Today is a new day and I am happy to be alive. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA

You lost your way for a while but you have come back and shared your feelings and thoughts and I think you are a very brave person

I now believe recovery is a life time commitment whether we abstain or fall it is a continuing journey of recovery

I understand that counting days won't help anymore I don't think I would do day 1 again because it isn't really day 1 it's a continuing process

I would carry on like you not giving up giving up which is how I think now

I sincerely wish you all the strength on your continuing journey and yes today IS a new day

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Hi SA,

Nevermind worrying about replying back - just you look after yourself. Well done for posting the full story so to speak, you are in the right place now.

Wishing you strength and courage at this time.

Take care,

f x

Thank you both.

Please to say that NO gambling since my last post. I have drawn the line under my 3 weeks of self-destructive madness.

I am nonetheless feeling the consequences, most notably financial but also psychologically. I am depressed and anxious... but that's no surprise is it.

Am doing the right things. Keeping myself safe and keeping busy. Yesterday I went to visit my friend and today I have been doing some decorating, which I find quite therapeutic.

I just keep on going and all being well I will get to a better place.

Note to self: start liking yourself.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA

Good to read your post

Suzanne xx