Hope

Thanks Freda.. alas no wisdom from me today.

No gambling since last post. But am feeling very weak as far as NOT gambling goes. I make a sudden decision to have a gamble and then I come to my senses and dismiss the thought and then a little while later I start thinking about gambling again. I imagine winning money. I imagine the feature dropping in and winning lots of money. I don't want to win money and yet i do. Today it feels very hard not to gamble.

Hey,

So today is only one of them days. You coming on here and getting your feelings out does look like a progress to me. That monkey can keep telling it's own trues, i know you are more than capable of using logic thinking. Ohhh SA, i feel so clearly the last blip you encountered. Hell, that was one painful experience wasn't it? Do you want to feel that again? I doubt it my friend...
Riding the storm out is one of the battles in this journey. Let me tell ya, i felt the same yesterday..well, a tenner won't hurt. I deserve it after 39 days g free...and it's xmas...HA!!! wot a bull our brains tries to tell us eh?!
Be a winner my friend, keep smacking that beast in the face. These feelings shall pass, you know they will 🙂 you deserve better than self inflicting pain again. You deserve peace and happiness, and can reach that only if you allow yourself that. Any sense? I guess not much lol..Sandra is a little hangover today..battle with urges send me to have some booze yesterday...red red wine ohh lol lol..but hey, no gambling and that's the main thing. Sore head will get better in few hours..better do cause work soon lol.

Right, rambling as always just wanted to tell you that you're stronger than before! You've got it in you man, you are a warrior in heart, keep it up!

On a last note - have a wonderful Xmas, gift yourself the good feelings you sooo deserve.

Be good and behave my friend 😉

Sandra xxxxx

Ah bless ya Sandra... I feel better already.

Me writing what I wrote is akin to picking up the phone, which is what they always say at G.A... and ive done it so thats good

I just get these big dips in self-belief some days. I get real real tired and depressed some days. I feel intensely lonely some days. Isn't this suppose to be the reserve of the elderly?

The other thing is chrsitmas presents. Ive over spent... bought "stuff" just cos it was on the shelf. I couldn't decide. Hot and bothered, people in my way. Whats the point of it all anyway. Bar bloody humbug.

My mood is kind of lifting now. Just got to wrap it all up and then its done for another year.

I want to make 2015 my year of change

Thanks for listening.

No gambling for me today

Hi SA,

2015 can be your year of change, just believe in yourself, because you are a lovely person, never forget that.

Gambling is a total waste of our time, money and more important health, so there is no point whatsoever in going there, it just destructs us more. Because you will never win because you cannot stop,

Take care and stay safe and calm.

Suzanne xx

Hi SA,

Glad to hear you were able to beat those temptations over the weekend, is it the free time of the holidays letting those whispers in again? I guess I'm lucky I've only got one day off, no rest for the shift worker. Feeling lonely definitely isn't the preserve of the elderly. At times it feels like there's no one I feel I know well enough to talk to.

Hope you're still having a decent start to the week.

Ryan

Sorry to my supporters but unfortunately the addict head one the day. After several hours of wrestling with my thoughts, I gambled. I won quite alot of money (relatively speaking) and then (of course) lost the lot and more.

Perhaps some of you who have known me for years are shaking your heads thinking "does he still not get it after all these years of self-harm". I do indeed feel quite a bit of shame and guilt and a little disbelief that I gambled and that in one moment I had a fist full of readies and then in the next i had none. I do get it 99% of the time but 1% of the time I get ovetaken by my addict head. Ive regressed quite badly in the last 6 months after a longish period of stability and not gambling.

I am still a compulsive gambler, just like I was yesterday and just like I was last year and and just like I was 15 to 20 years ago when gambling first took a hold of me.

I am once more starting over.... 2015 will be better than 2014...cos i won't be gambling!

Thanks for listening... and well ... life goes on regardkess.. S.A

Hi Sandra

Thank you for all your support this year 🙂 really do appreciate it !

I write to wish you a gamble free fantastic christmas and peaceful new year !

Your friend Dark Place x

Hi SA,

So it came and gone. A little slip on the journey, so what?
No matter how many hits this devil throw your way - you can take it my friend. You will always be standing cause you want a better life for yourself. Cause you are soldier from the heart and will never give up giving up. You are stronger that all this mindfook, you will walk the walk as have been doing until now. Nothing will stop you on a way.
Ya know, dear Shiny told me something so inspiring and ringing much true which stopped me in my tracks more than once -" you will have what you make out of your life". There is no meter ticking in recovery. We can only do our best...and only for today cause this day is the platform for tomorrow.
You will be in my thoughts and i shall keep extending that hand to slowly walk with you to the safety.

Be kind to yourself, keep on the level and don't give in the devil whispering load of bo*locks in your ear.

Never on your own dear soldier
One two three...standing bk up and dusting yourself down to carry on on the road ahead.
(Just my prediction but think there will be less potholes on that road next year 😉 )

Stay safe, sound and connected....

Sandra xxxx

Hi SA, there's probably not a single person on the forum who's not fell off the gambling wagon several times. me personally I've lost count. but if i fail again I won't be beating myself up over it anymore. please treat it for what it is a slight setback, with 2015 around the corner and a years clean slate to work with it's onwards and upwards for next year. I don't post much but i like to read certain diaries for inspiration and yours is one keep posting fella because they all inspire and make us realise how we have to keep working at this to succeed I remember a great line from you that you'll never give up giving up. so very true for us all, don't let this slip f..k your Christmas, regards..... Ginger.

Hi SA,

Just popping in to wish you a very merry strong and safe Xmas,

Take care

Suzanne xx

Good morning SA,

Not writing on your new diary cause that is not a person i know. This diary has seen a lot of challenges and determination. A lot of successful days and not so good moments in this life. We can safely say it has seen it all 🙂
You , my friend know that you can get it sorted. Not easy and prob more annoying than ever, but this is not the start of your journey (hence me coming on here), this is not day one and not merry go round again. It was a slip...you're back and fighting, you want to give it a go again and that my friend is something amazing. Determination, belief and strength is here. Hurt but not beaten..never will be cause you want your freedom too much..same as all of us on here..
let's keep trying and trying..we will get there..progress not perfection.

Thoughts are with ya.
Never stop believing

Sandra xx

Ok Sandra... thanks I will take your advice.... stick with this diary.

I really am in a very bad place just now. Am just numb. Am not able to face the real world and the new problems ive now created from my gambling.

Am going back to bed and pull the duvet over my head, cos its the only place I feel safe from myself.

S.A

about 16 hours since I put the last of the banks money into the machines

Morning SA,

Keep strong mate. You know you can do this.

All the best.

Ade

Hi SA,

Glad you have gone back to your old diary, hell SA, it shows your commitment, struggle and triumphs in your recovery, you certainly do not want to lose all your hard work you have done for your recovery.

Your progress says it all my friend, keep going keep not giving up, it won't win in the end am sure of that, you can do this.

A new year is round the corner, this can be your year, you can make it your year, and starve the addiction permantly, walking right along side with you SA, Along this hard and bumpy rollercoaster ride.

Take care and stay strong my friend,

Suzanne xx

Also hiding under my duvet after catastrophic holiday binge so understand how you are feeling so well. Despair today but tomorrow peep out from under the covers and begin the climb back up to recovery and with you all the way.

xxx