Hope

Morning S.A,

Ok so folks like you and I are not perfect. What else ya got? This time of year pretty much sucks for a lot of people. There, I said it and look my hair did'nt burst into flames. I continue to screw up to the tune of a hundred here and a hundred there. The sneaking f**t inside of me thinking that it's getting away with something... The bottom line for me S.A is that I am not a happy person when I gamble. I really do want to be happy. I am just not that certain I understand what happiness is. The theme from CATS is now playing in my head... but, laughs aside, the point of that song is good one don't you think? We are all after all looking to live our best lives. You are here today and that's what counts. Come out from under the covers (when you are ready of course) take a deep breath in and then let it out. The money is gone and any fantasies about winning it back is pure bull so let it go. LET IT GO!! S.A if I was there I would give you a huge hug and a giant farm girl style breakfast!! You are back and that is cause to celebrate! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) -joanxxxx

Thank you folks. I will be around quite alot over the next few days especially if I don't manage to pick up any shifts at work... so I will post quite alot me thinks, keep my brain active and fill them voids.

My financial situation is dire BUT my rent is all paid for January and I have some room on the overdraft for food and day today essentials... so it could always be worse. There is nothing else I can do about finances, right here and right now, so no use me getting too stressed about it. The priority for me is simply staying on the straight and narrow and NOT f*****g gambling!!!!

I would be lost without this place. Its the only place where I can be trully honest and just say it as it is. Believe it or not Christmas itself was ok. Three days with my family, food and chat and presents, two runs and even a boxing day swim in the sea with a bunch of other nutters! 😉

My gambling head knows that to gamble when with or around my family is just a non-starter but the days before and the day after ive just been a gambling J****E... a very sad person standing at machines pressing buttons, feeding notes.... not happy at all but doing it all the same. As am sure we all relate to at one moment in time I did win my losses back (two jackpots in quick succession) only then to lose the lot and then some. Standing there pockets bulging with notes and then nothing. It became play money didn't it and it was untill the machines had it back, all of it... every last f****n penny!

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

when will this finally finally take root in my deepest deepest sub-concious?

Answer: Right here and right now!!!!

HI SA, i can only echo what all your other friends have said, and believe me pal you've got a lot out here. great to see you in a much better frame of mind, although i am 37 days into recovery i feel 2015 is the big challenge for me and it's great to know that another gambling veteran is running alongside. it's gonna be a new start for many. all the very best stay safe. Ginger

Hi SA,

We start off to just win a little money, and when we do win, we go on auto and lose it all, and then if we are on a good streak, it actually lets us win the jackpot again, second one that should be our wake up call, but by now we are in the grips of it and totally in oblivion, we carry on until it has all gone, and then deposit more, why oh why we do this I wished I knew, it really is self destruction, I have done what you have, time and time over, all I know is I cannot start again because I know I will not stop

Too right I take notice of your posts, I am walking right along side of you.

Pleased you have come out from under the duvet, and shared your experience, that I and so many on here are too familiar with.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

Hi SA,

I hope things are improving for you today...

I see that you made a reference to my comments on NT's recovery diary, regarding the 'fast-forward' thinking when those dreaded urges come calling. It's definately something thats worth doing for sure my friend. Write it down on post-its if you have to and stick it all over your home......the fridge, the phone, every d**n door if you have to!!

Get those running shoes on matey, and get out there!!!! That's an order ;0) .......it's a great day for a run......

Keep strong

Ade

Thanks folks.

Well a whole 48 hours since I last gave any of the banks money to the machines. To be honest today has not been that easy despite everything I have put myself through. The devil says I could win another couple of £500 jackpots just like i did the other day and this time I will walk away. Its b******s of course. I have proved to myself that this doesn't happen. A big win on one machine only sends me scuttling over to another machine to see if i can do it again and again and again. It never works that way. I lose all my money... every time, without fail. I always lose, always. I am a very sick individual when i gamble, very sick indeed.

Today when the merest thought of walking up the hill to a gambling hell hole started I took myself out for a long run. I did 14 miles in the end. The slowest 14 miles ive ever done, but it served its purpose. It lifted me a bit from my depressed state and it got me knackered so even if I did have another urge to go out and gamble, my body would struggle to go along for the ride.

I didn't ring to see if I could get any shifts at work. I couldn't face it. Maybe I will ring tomorrow. I just need a little time of not gambling to pass so i once more feel strong enough to cope with the demands of others. Its hard enough to motivate myself to get out of bed let alone a 14 year old autistic child.

Life does get better or at the very least stops getting worse when i don't gamble.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Somehow its easier to forgive yourself when you mess up in your 20's because statistically youve still got many many years ahead of you.... to make amends and live a more fulfilling life. But when you continue to make the same mistakes you were making in your 20's in your 40's its kind of like you start to lose hope that life can be any different.

I am 42 going on 43 and kind of feel on the cusp of going one way or the other. I can choose to be sad and lonely until the day i die or i can choose something else.

Am not feeling especially morose as i write this but I am just kind of saying it as it is. The clock stops for no one.

All for now

Hi SA,

You know what you need to do better than anyone. Rock bottom is just about as s**t as it can get, and you know that you've got to work through it to get to the part of recovery where you can start to rebuild and feel better about yourself again. As for accepting the things you can't change, I guess for me those are the temptations, those things that drive us to want to gamble. Whether it is the urge to self-destruct or an urge to get away from real life, you know those are going to come during recovery. I know you've got the courage to change your recent responses to these temptations, and you've proven to yourself before that you can make those changes for the better.

Wish I could tell you the answer to how to make changes that bring hope to life. At times it feels hopeless, at times I can see the way forward. Whether I ever get a diagnosis on my head, I know that the hopeless feelings pass. Yes they always come back, but they do pass.

Thinking of you, hope you can fight through the next few days and step forward in to the new year.

Ryan

Thanks both.

A difficult night last night.... if you can call lying in bed difficult. But I was full of thoughts of "one last throw of the dice" (so to speak).... see if I can win back just a little money and ease the financial pressure as we head towards new year. I know these are crazy thoughts but I think crazy thoughts when am feeling a bit desparate. The problem at the moment is that winning spins are still fresh in my mind.... £2 in £500 out. My gambling head forgets the monotonous hours spent mindlessly feeding notes and pressing buttons, slowly getting more panicky as the money dwindles. It only remembers the wins. So, like i say, I need to get these thoughts out.

Plan of action today.... take all my coppers and 5p's down to the coinstar and then shop for food. Yes FOOD!.... that little essential that gets forgotten and seems so unnecessary when gambling. I will not be taking my debit card out!! I will also block my computer, thanks to virgin media's blocking option. I will change my password to lots of random numbers and characters and then lose the piece of paper. It then means that if i wanted to gamble online i'd then have to phone virgin which i am much less likely to do in a gambling crazy moment. This will not be full proof.... but its better than nothing! I will report back later that I have done these things....

I feel like a child that can't be trusted but am fighting hard to get back to an adult state of thinking and being. It saddens me that I have once again come close to the very real potentially end of my world scenario's like.... "no money at all for food"... "mental breakdown, unable to work, debts, unable to pay rent, rent arrears, homelessness".... and on down the path to suicide.

Ten years ago this christmas was my true rock bottom. I returned to rehab a completely broken man, cuts on my wrists and wanting to die. Only now do I remember these times. The devil within me blocks these things out.

I have not got that low this time. I will not get to that stage ever again. I am a fighter not a quiter.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Morning SA,

And if we won 500 on 2, we would lose it all, because we would not stop. And then we would feel even worse.

Stay strong and focused and save that 2

Hope you have a better day today.

Suzannexx

Yes Suzanne you are absolutely right. It matters not a jot how much i win... it ALLWAYS goes back and more!

Well ive done what i said i was going to do.. internet blocked and password changed to something I can't remember. Have also had quite a nice long walk down to tesco's emptied my schrapnel into a Coinstar machine and then bought sensible, life nourishing food such as "oats" and "peas" and "tuna".....

Once home I then did the things that are "necessary" giving my financial situation.. such as arranging some holiday pay am owed to be paid. It won't go into my bank account untill the end of january and it won't be much, but money has once more become a precious commodity... and I really do need it. Believe it or not I am actually very sensible with money as long as am not in gambling mode.

Next i phoned the agency and was greated by a very snotty woman who said that there was no work available and she would not be ringing the place I normally work at again. I guess she was fed up of all these folk ringing up about work. I left it at that... maybe it was a blessing in disguise. As ive said before I think I need a bit of time a few more days to calm myself and working with challenging autistic kids probably ain't gonna help that is it?? I could ring the place directly and speak to a care manager but I reason that whilst I am in a financial crisis its not a mega crisis..its not a "I am about to be evicted crisis"... rent is sound until end of january. I have a roof over my head and I have food in the cupboards and i am booked up for work next week.

I guess what am trying to convince myself of..is that I can chill i can calm down. I can just BE for a few days. I can even fold my clothes and put them away. I can clean my bath. I can watch TV. I can go for runs. I can if i choose go to my mates and just sit and have a couple of beers. I can do nothing. I can get in the right frame of mind for work next week and the hard recovery work to come. In short I can start to get well again and stay well....

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA,

Post just gone! Lol..was messing about with the smilies (high tech here lol) wanted to say how proud i am of you! You are doing it and should be proud.

Every day day is different and there is nothing wrong with ME days. Just let it be. Do anything you want to do with calm mind and soul.
Hope New year will bring you more strength and determination. You are in control, you are doing it man!! And most importantly - you soo worth it!

All the best my friend. Hope you keep being kind to you.

Right, I'm off for the run..are ya joining me ? 😉

Stay safe
Sandra xxxx

Day 4...gambling free... what a joke I am. After all these years of trying to stop gambling I arrive at the end of 2014 just a few measlly days since I squandered the last of my money and a bunch of the banks into the machines. And once again I find myself lying in bed thinking about trying to win some back when i know all to well that I would lose more and even if i did win some, that would go back... cos I only gamble to escape anyway.

I am NOT going to gamble today. Chances are I will go for another long run and tire myself out, a method which proved quite successful a couple of days ago but how on earth do i find myself here yet again... in the grips of addiction. What on earth possessed me (back in August) to return to the hell holes after the greater part of 2 years clean. Because ever since then ive been in a progressive downward curve to reach the point I am at now. What a t*t I am.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Morning SA,

You probably don't feel like it but keep busy busy if you can, forget trying to win any back, someone else has won that now at your expense, we only win big, when some other CG loses big, it's all a vicious circle, but one thing is a fact, the gambling companies win it all in the end, and this can only help to keep building their evil industry.

It's New Years eve, try and take positives out of negatives, you know the longer you abstain the better you feel,

Sending you strength and positivity and a big cuddle because you are so worth it

(((((((SA)))))))

Stay safe and calm today.

Suzanne xx

HI SA, believe me one day the penny will drop it's taken over 3 decades in my case, but it's coming your way soon. you've bounced back too many times to give up waiting on that penny. 2015 will be your year. stay safe healthy and fit, looking forward to your 2015 posts. onwards and upwards...... Ginger.