Hope

Thanks both... and day 5 free from gambling, free from self-harm.

Enough said about new years eve, cos in reality I spent most of it in bed. The safest place for me to be with the way that i was feeling.

I feel a long run in the rain coming on. Thanks for listening... S.A

Well 15 miles run and am now suitably knackered to want to do anything else, like walk up the hill and gamble any more of the banks money away.

I haven't had a shave for a week and i now look like the wolf man, but i won't be putting a photo up to prove it!

Not much else to say, just passing time

Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 6 gamble free.

I really do hope so NT. I really do hope that I never gamble again. I really can't take it anymore. I am beaten. I am crushed. I am a broken man. I have no life to speak of. I just go from one gambling crisis to the next, with lulls in between. I liken it to being on one of those medieval racks. The gambling devil within me tightens the pullies until I am in pain and then eases them off only to tighten them once again.

Its the lying that gets me as well. I lived a lie with the family over exmas once again. Playing the game that all is fine whilst having just gambled all my money away. I couldn't say anything, I just couldn't face the "o not again", and "why do you walk into these places??" and the "I am so dissappointed".

Sorry for such a downbeat post but thats just the way it is. I am dreadfully depressed. I swing my legs out of bed in the morning and think "whats the point".

Am not looking for sympathy. I will find it within myself to reach a better place or I won't. It starts with me and it ends with me.

Today is day 6 of my gamble free life.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

I can sadly relate to what you are saying, it's simply pure S***e, remember this if/when the urges return, I hope they don't, but the odds are they will, but you can be stronger next time, let the addiction beat you, it beat me, and then move on and away from this self destructive thing,

I know you will push through this bad time,

Suzanne xx

Aloha dear soldier,

So read your post and had a little smile to myself (rare occasion let me tell ya)..last few days i asked myself the same question: "what's the point to get out of bed?" What is out there for me to use last energy and make effort to join the race of life?....hmmm...i still haven't got the answer for that but all i know every time i open my eyes, let it be morning, afternoon, night time (hard to work out with my shifts lol) i have to deal with my day ahead. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, absolutely normal and chucking in a mix past festive season, winter time, January in itself plus..dear oh dear that little slip you had, i for one don't expect you to jump around skipping with every step.
Addiction plays with your mind SA. Yes, it still does and if i didn't lapse hundred times myself i would be on the lines "what's up with you man and break away from it". No, i know how you feel and i also know that given time this shall pass. Right,, S***e day yesterday, same today but who knows in what mindset you will wake up tomorrow? ...maybe just a tad better than today..yep, that's possible cause that will be another step away from this gripping addiction.maybe even a little spark of motivation will return and that's worth getting out of bed for 🙂
All I'm saying (might sound low but am just honest), is ride your feelings out for today. Reflect on good things from last year, and there is a lot!!!! ..plus you have been given this white sheet for the year and best get those crayons out and start drawing that promising picture..even tiny line which is a massive progress...a start.

SA, as much as i would like to take your pain and dissapointments away, i cannot do that. You are right, it starts from within and sometimes just feel exhausting quest, but doable for sure. Use your time off for yourself, ya never know when crazy shifts will start again and you will have to pedal all those miles to and back from work. Use this opportunity to be kinder to yourself, even if only for today..Tomorrow is a new day and you are in control to change that mindset in right direction. This applies to all of us on this planet and you are truly not different. Keep making these little steps forward, you might not see the progress in yourself yet, but every passing day will release those chains holding you back.

Keep it up.

Never on your own my dear friend, we are all human beings and deserve to feel a little deflated on some days...this shall pass...always does and you know it yourself 🙂

Have a good and safe day. Have it for yourself cause you are worth peace and harmony with your soul.

Day at a time

Sandra xxxxx

Hi SA,

If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn't be posting on this forum, and I sure as hell would never have allowed myself to become addicted to gambling. The lack of a point, the lack of an overwhelming zeal for achieving something or having a mission in life is what led me to gambling. If that next football match had a couple of quid on it, I could care about it. What a way to show how my judgement is better than others than by winning money from it. You and I both know that's not the case.

I guess I don't know the answer. The one thing I think we'll both admit is that the point is definitely not torturing ourselves on the rack of gambling. I used to think that I didn't deserve to have any money or savings, and gambling was my punishment. For now at least, I've learned that isn't the case.

Hope 2015 proves to be better for you than last year, and you can find the way to beat this addiction.

Ryan

SA

fella I have not been about much for a few weeks,had a break,re wiring my own f****d up mind comes first in recovery,something I have painfully learnt,the process of re building or more apt re thinking life,my own life is the number one priority,that today I am fully aware of and in truth fella if it were not for the amazing support network I have built december would have been a very dark month for me.As we both know addiction loves to feed on our negative thoughts,moods,it calls us,whispers those sweet nothings about 'how a bet will make things seem better'

in truth that is utter bull#s**t,but it is the truth in what happens,f**k for more than twenty years I relentlessly pursued it's self gifted misery,the ever decreasing circle of mind numbing self harm.

I am not going to preach to you about how easy it is to stop the cycle,because it simply is not.

But glass half full for me the year past for you had many highlights,you did live a good life for the majority of it did you not??

there are many things you can be proud of,don't let addiction steal them away.

Today is a new day,embrace it,live it

Keep putting out the trash to do so.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

SA

fella I have not been about much for a few weeks,had a break,re wiring my own f****d up mind comes first in recovery,something I have painfully learnt,the process of re building or more apt re thinking life,my own life is the number one priority,that today I am fully aware of and in truth fella if it were not for the amazing support network I have built december would have been a very dark month for me.As we both know addiction loves to feed on our negative thoughts,moods,it calls us,whispers those sweet nothings about 'how a bet will make things seem better'

in truth that is utter bull#s**t,but it is the truth in what happens,f**k for more than twenty years I relentlessly pursued it's self gifted misery,the ever decreasing circle of mind numbing self harm.

I am not going to preach to you about how easy it is to stop the cycle,because it simply is not.

But glass half full for me the year past for you had many highlights,you did live a good life for the majority of it did you not??

there are many things you can be proud of,don't let addiction steal them away.

Today is a new day,embrace it,live it

Keep putting out the trash to do so.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Day 7 without a penny gambled.

Am reading your thoughts folks. They are like a life line at the moment. Thank you. God knows how i got through yesterday without gambling, but somehow i did. The desire to gamble just for the sake of gambling was overwhelming. The gambling monster within was jumping up and down on the spot demanding that i gamble... but I didn't. Went back to bed i did when it all got a bit much. The final place of safety... bed.

Eventually the urge passed and i decided to ring my mate whom i hadn't spoken to since before christmas. Its always with a bit of trepidation when weve had no contact for a while, cos he is a compulsive gambler as well and he's long since given up trying to stop. There is always that thought that I will find him... well you know what i mean. But anyway as it turns out, he answered his phone and he seemed in a relatively good place at the moment. so i got on my bike and had a cycled over. He'd cooked which was nice and he is very much in a better place than i am. It is all relative though, he's working his way through his pension lump sum but sooner or later it will all go and he will be back to living on state benefits only. But anyway that is him I am me. We played some chess and i cycled home. Day survived.

I have developed something of a game plan for the next 3 days. Today is sort flat out day. My flat is simply a cluttered, dusty, dirty mess. An enormous pile of clothes has developed, where ive washed the clothes, then stuffed them in the dryer, then taken them out of the dryer and dumped them on the table. On the table they stay and then a new load of washing goes in and then it ends its day sitting on top of the clothes that never got folded or put away. The pile grows.

.... and then there is just the general scumminess. The scummy line round the top of the bath or the bits of pasta left to slowly decay by the cooker or the layer of dust on the Tv... well everything really. I get use to living in my own scumminess. Well you do don't you. Its only when someone else comes around that you realise what a state youve let yourself become. I had a shave yesterday, first time in a week. The wolf man is no more.

Anyway my plan. Today stay in and do positive stuff with flat. Tomorrow... mega long run.. the weather is looking good for it. Monday, mate coming over for something to eat. Thats the motivation for sorting flat out. Tuesday... back to work. But don't want to think about that yet. It better happen other wise am in deep financial pooh.

Back to gambling addiction.

What it means in practice.. is that i wake up every morning feeling panicky and scared. Its a horrible way to be. I need to bottle this feeling and take it with me where ever I go and then when the urge strikes.. I take a sniff to remind myself how i will be feeling for weeks after.. and what for??? I tell you what for.... its the pleasure of feeding my money into machines. Its for the pleasure of self-harm and self-destruct. What joy eh, what joy!

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

just want to give you a big cuddle today (((((((SA)))))))

Suzanne xxxx

Good

Xxxxxxxxx

You have made me feel warm too. Xxxxxxx

Well... no gambling since my last post. Am still feeling "on the edge" though. Yesterday was difficult. The gambling gremlin within me wanted to gamble but I did what i had to do to NOT gamble... ie come on here, read and post.

Today I did exactly what I said i was going to do and went out for a mega long run.... 18 miles to be precise. Took me 3 hours in cold slippery conditions. It did its job.. am now knackered and have no intention of venturing outside again... so today will be a gamble free day.

Thanks for listening... S.A

SA, BLIMEY 18 miles at 6 miles an hour that's quality, you're doing all the right things, eating well, keeping fit, staying focused, I need to take a leaf from your book and get my trainers on ( I'm a fair weather jogger. ) stay safe mate.......onwards and upwards...Ginger.

Congratulations on your run. You can beat this evil addiction. Keep running and don't look backwards.