Hope

Not been here for months but wanna wish you well buddy, gambling is a s**t addiction as we all know 🙁

Thanks folks... and good to see ya back Womble.

No gambling since my last post but am not in a good place. Back to work tomorrow for me. Am feeling mega anxious about it. I desparately need the money but am worried I won't be able to cope. Am worried i will burst into tears. Am worried i won't wake up after having just got use to not getting up at 5 a.m every morning. Am worried my bike will break down or I will get run over in the winter weather. Am worried I won't ve able to cope with the kids behaviours. Am worried that i won't be able to cope with other staff. Am worried I won't be able to cope with myself.

The gambling devil is sitting in glee watching me crumble. he's sitting with his other gambling devil mates saying "we did a good job with this one".

Life continues to feel very hard indeed. I am struggling. I have put myself in this position. I am hating myself.

BUT just for today I will not gamble...

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Sorry to read about your anxiety, try not to take it all onboard, gambling has made you feel like this, It will pass, just. Try and push through it, being back a t work might surprise you, you might feel a lot better,

Sending you another cuddle because you are soo worth it (((((((SA))))))))

Suzanne xxxx

Afternoon S.A

Hope this finds you in better spirits. Stay strong mate,

gazza

Hi SA, it's been a while! Sorry to read that life is difficult at the moment. Never give up giving up. You never know when it will finally sink in. Keep with the running, you and I know how important it can be to get out there and just run. I read your comment about changing the password to a load of random letters and numbers, then throwing the piece of paper away. I remember doing that on countless occasions, only to go and open another online account with ANOTHER book maker! Wishing you all the best

russ.

Hi SA,

Hope the last couple of days back in work have been okay, or at least you've been able to push through them. You know that continuing to struggle against this addicition and the carnage it reaps is the right thing to do.

Punch those laughing gambling demons in the chops. Don't gamble.

Ryan

Hi SA,

Hope this finds you well. Nearly weekend and some well deserved rest lined up for you (i guess you're working this week).

I do keep on running...10 miles today...i'm not as fit as last year tho..leg hurts and these bones just got a year older lol..but hey ho..it was such a good feeling to get back on that dusty road!

Take care and keep up the good work

Sandra xxx

Hi S.A,

I could have written that last post of yours. Really. I feel that way alot. Especially on those transition nights. Weekend to work week I mean. I wake up every hour on the hour looking at the clock and then the mind goes on worry over drive. I was off work on Christmas break I guess for almost 3 weeks. I just went back on Wednesday and I wrote Sandra all about how anxious I was feeling about it. Now, it's Friday morning and I am sat here thinking to myself what the hell was I so worried about??? I know my job. I can train with my eyes closed. I have also noticed that you have been saying the serenity prayer. I find tremendous comfort in those words my friend. You screwed up. Stop terrorizing yourself about s**t that might happen. I do it too. I spend all of my money then torture myself about the 78 year old boiler that can s**t the bed at any moment. My 10+ year old car that may not start in sub zero weather. My partner is going to get into a car wreck on the way into work. I am going to die cold hungry and alone. I wonder if I am really good at what I do or if I am fooling myself. Maybe I am just a fraud and the whole world knows it but me. Awe, the hell with that S.A You and me are good folks. We go a little nutz sometimes and need to get a grip again. We can imagine the end of the world but, what good does that do us? Sometimes I worry about what I write about because I fear others might think I am minimizing things. That's never my intention. I am just very familiar with the worry train. I ride it almost every night between the hours of 3AM and 5AM. I'm thinking you and me surely are deserving of some of that serenity S.A Hang in there man. -joanxxxx

Strange how sometimes I feel so different and alone and then I read here exactly what is in my head but written so clearly by yourself and Joan. The anxiety, waking every hour, the insecurity that tomorrow will be the day it all comes tumbling down - the relief when it doesnt.

I am still listening SA, feeling enlightened by the experience and as Joan says wishing you serenity in life.

xxx

Hi SA,

Hope you are feeling better, noticed you have not posted for a few days, and that you have not checked in on 2015 challenge this week yet,

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xxx

Well I fell again Suzanne on Monday. Would you believe it that i'd actually gone to bed having batted urges all day and survived only then to get up at 10 P.m and go out and gamble. Many of the places I gamble at open till midnight. I lost some more money and felt rubbish as usual. I then had about 2 hours sleep before getting up at 4.30 a.m to start getting ready and focussed for my first day back at work. I coped with the day and got some over time which meant that i got back at 11 pm at night to then be up at 5 a.m to do it all again. I must stress that am not looking for any sympathy (or words like it) am just saying how my week has been.

This is how my life as a compulsive gambler is. I gamble myself into a world of trouble and then I work my socks off to get myself out of trouble and survive. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I guess at the very least it shows that am physically and mentally resilient and fit enough to be able to do it... but of course I don't want to live the rest of my life this way, do I ??

I am currently into my 5th day of not gambling, which has been easy because all i have done is work, cycle and sleep. Today it gets harder because I am not working.... and to be honest I am completely tired of fighting this thing called gambling... but not in a good way. Today I feel as if complete abstinence is just not possible for me or maybe its just not realistic. In my thoughts I am already planning my next session ie when I next get money. I think to myself... well I will pay x amount on rent and bills which will leave me x amount to gamble with. simples!

I wasn't going to post at all for quite some time simply because my moitvation to not gamble is not strong and if your not motivated to not gamble then ones diary is no longer a "recovery" diary its just a diary. But hey am here and ive written what ive written and am very likely gonna click the "save" button. In reality I can't just dissappear. I owe a great deal to the support you lovely people have shown me. However i will take a back seat and just read from now on whilst I take stock of my own situation and see how my own motivation to not gamble changes for better or worse.

Thanks for listening folks and please don't let my own mindset affect your own determination for recovery. Until the next time... S.A

Hey SA,

Ofcourse yours is a recovery diary, and I am glad you are not going to delete any of it.

I know about those thoughts I tried so many times to stop before I came to this site, but I guess underneath I did not want to, Infact the only way I have stopped is because I had totally exhausted all ways of obtaining money to feed it, and it broke my heart because I could not play anymore it had beaten me in every way.

I understand that after a while of abstaining and you have gone a long time with no gambling, that if we fall that can be worse than the initial recovery and it keeps me focused to never underestimate the power of this addiction.

You are far more experienced than me in this addiction, and I have learnt so much from you, I wished I could help you, but you know it's up yo you, and you know what you have to do, you must be able to obtain available money, still, but be honest with yourself you are not enjoying the experience at all, I bet you hate it now let it beat you for once and for all, put that triangle well in place make it impossible to play, you have done it before you can do this again for yourself, but you need 100% commitment you know that my friend, I hope you make that only choice today because it is the only way to go in the end,

Please check in to this weeks challenge and carry on marching with all U.S. soldiers that are walking along side with you, it doesn't matter how many times you fall, changes can happen when we pick ourselves up -and carry on,

Stephen quoted that the other day on his thread,

Take care, stay safe and check in (when you are ready to, no pressure lol) cos I know that has a negative effect.

Suzanne xxxxx

O dear.. please ignore my last post its my gambling devil talking. I can't believe how much ive regressed into distorted gambling thinking this last few months. Am taking increasingly desparate measures just to be able to get by. My situation is getting progressively worse. I have been sleep walking towards the end stages of compulsive gambling. How on earth did I ever let it happen??

I am now going for a run to try and settle my stress and anxiety. Later I fully intend to exclude from more of my local gambling hell holes. I shall be taking no money with me (cos I haven't got any!) and photos. I will be striking while the iron is hot.

I am S.A. I am a gambling J****E. But I can and I will recover. Recovery can happen at any moment in time and i choose now!!

Thanks for listening... S.A

Morning SA,

It's good to read you are more positive and determined today. Hope you enjoyed your morning run.

Your determination to not give up giving up is there again.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

Yes determination is back with avengence!

Ive just been up to the wretched branch of Shipleys to get myself a life time ban. Unfortunately the staff on duty did not have access to the forms as the management is not in on a Sunday. I arranged a time to go back... and I will go back!! To be honest I half expected this. Of the places ive got banned from over the years, there is often some excuse why they cannot do it there and then.. usually its the manager not in thing but i once had a staff member who said it was time for the bingo..so she was too busy to exclude me.

Financially I am f****d for now..but I will find my way through.

I had a good run... 9 miles averaging 8 min 40 pace.. which is good for me expecially in windy conditions.

.... and so am up and running again, literally and figuratively.

I want a better quality of life. I don't want to live this way forever and a day.

Onwards...