Hope

Thought you might be interested as something to focus on. There is a Clic Sargant (childrens cancer charity) bike ride to Paris every year and as you are such a strong cyclist thought you might enjoy it. There is a fundraising element but if you sign up for it I am happy to be a sponsor and arrange fundraising events on your behalf. No pressure at all, jus a thought. xxx

Hi Ya S.A,

You can write on my thread as much and as often as you like. Got me thinking a little bit more too. I go back and forth about how often I want to log onto this site. I can get compulsive about pretty much everything except for maybe green leafy vegetables. That has never been a problem. lol. I think you are right about tackling the worst compulsions first and not over thinking the lesser ones. Now in my 55th year unhealthy eating has become life threatening. Not being able to reach for whatever I want whenever I want leaves me vulnerable. My blood glucose levels are going down but, my anxiety levels are going up. Exercise is definitely key and I have been getting into walking. You and I definitely need to change up our default settings and I really think that putting time and space in between us and our last stint will lessen the urges in frequency, intensity, and duration. I was telling my partner that when we are really "in it" it's like in spite of the huge sign that says danger thin ice we strap the skates on and go at it anyway. We fall in and nearly die but, as if we have no short term memory of the event we wind up right back at it. w*f is that?? We have to get through the withdrawals so that we can get out of this crazy way of thinking. I think you are right. Just getting on here and putting it all down does help. I may be dropping by more often. I hope that's ok with you. -joanxxxx

Thanks NT, Dragonfly and Joan.... certainly something to think about Dragonfly. Drop by as much as you want Joan and yes Nt I have perservered!

I now have life time bans from my 2 local branches of Shipleys, something which i should have done years ago.. but never quite got around to. For the staff its a paper work exercise. For me it was positive self-help. I feel good for having done it.

All for now am ever so tired... thanks for listening... S.A

SA

coulda,woulda shoulda My dear friend our lives are full of those!!

You cannot change the past but today you changed your own future

For it I salute you,time to top that glass up half full.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks all 🙂

Another few days without gambling. Got paid yesterday and have managed to creep out of my overdraft but I will have to creep back in before i next get paid. Am still in a state of disbelief that I managed to get sucked back in to gambling once again, almost to the point where I was about to give up trying to give up.

On a positive am pleased about them self-exclusions I did earlier in the week. Its no longer possible for me to just stroll up the hill and gamble. If i really want to gamble I would have to get on my bike or get on a bus. I still have thoughts mind. Found myself lying in bed last night "remembering the wins" and imagining what it would be like to win again and then to "walk out" and do constructive things with that money. Of course I never do walk out do I.... never ever do I walk out! The only times I walk out is to go to the cash point and save myself the £2.00 charge for using the in-house machine... which seems rediculous given the 20 pound notes I am shovelling into the mchines. Wins just become more play money. More money to escape into my own little world of happy winning lepracauns and a treasure trove of gold and a sea of jackpot 7's. Its a very sad way to be.

When i went to exclude I stood looking at the other folk people playing machines. They looked just like me, sitting or standing in their own little bubbles of despair, hoping beyond hope for the jackpot to come along once more, so they could continue to avoid "real life" outside the doors. In my opinion arcades are full of depressed and lonely people. That is their only function. There are only machines, nothing else. Pure unadulterated escapism. Anyway enough of that. Now I have some money again. I can actually go and get my haircut and get some decent food in and start living again.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Thanx for dropping by and well done for few more days g free. Yep, reading your post and nodding in agreement...do we walk out from them devil machines? Do we f**k!! Lol..that said it all and summed up this nasty addiction..sorry for swearing 😉

Keep on keeping on..and well..keep on running! Might join you in that quest for today.

Be kind to you my friend, you are doing really well

Sandra xxx

Hi SA,

Sooo pleased to see that you are in a much better place at this time, it's absolutely ridiculous isn't it, when we can say with sheer relief we actually have money again to actually be able to buy FOOD, never mind the haircut, utter madness, and when I have been there, I got paid and swore to myself never again, but by the end of the day (if I was lucky,) and had got some food in, it was all swallowed up again to feed my hideous addiction. and back to square one before I had even blinked.

It's a very hard pill to swallow, and understand.

I am very proud to be walking along side of you SA and am very grateful for what you have taught me.

Take care, stay safe, (and get your haircut and enjoy ) lol.

Warm wishes and much respect to you.

Suzanne xxxxx

Hi SA,

Great to read that you are finding positives in your journey of recovery once again, those little bubbles of despair have popped and you can start to see outside the bubble again.Avoiding real life may be a beach on a tropical island for a while, but the reality is that once you go back to reality the storm is howling harder than ever after gambling.

Hope you're enjoying that proper food...wish I could find time to go for a haircut, I'm at the point now where my hair is so long I'm ashamed to take it into a barbers!

Hope you're having a good weekend,

Ryan

Thanks everyone and no gambling since my last post.

Its been a better weekend (no gambling). Went for a long run yesterday and a cycle out to my mates for lunch today. All very normal and enjoyable

Am full of anxiety this evening... nothing new there. Another working week beckons. Will i wake up in good time. Will I survive the long cycle to work in the winter weather. Will I be able to cope with the kids and staff alike.

Rent and bills must be paid or I go under. No partner or family to take the strain if i f**k up again. Its my life and its down to me. I gotta stay focussed and committed to looking after myself and to not commit self-destructive acts.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA...may i ask w*f going on with your tread line lol..leprechauns dancing? Heh..that truly messed this head up.

Anyway, good to see you marching in. May strength and determination stays by your side. Every single day counts and you're doing it.

keep on running man...am right behind ya 🙂

Sandra xx

Hello S.A

Just wanted to pop in and say thanks for your post, it was good to hear from you again..

I'm reading a lot and am slowly catching up with your diary, sorry to read that you've had a couple of tough months recently but as always its encouraging to read that you are slowly bouncing back.

The carnage and destruction that we cause and put ourselves through time and time again, over and over even after many months clean really messes with my head nowdays (a lot more than it ever did), but still it doesn't stop me from going off on one ...Its bloody madness..

Anyway hang in there mate.. thinking of you ..All the best

Thanks both.... the dancing leprechauns Sandra are from some stupid slot machine game... they seem to do a little dance when you have a win. It seemed like a good idea to add them to my title. Dancing with the leprechauns is like dancing with the devil.

No drama's this week, no gambling. Just working hard to repair the financial damage and dig myself out of hole that i dug for myself. Repairing the psychological and emotional damage is a long term enterprise. The recovery gods seem to have been with me this week though. Am coping with the long cycle to work, the weather has been bearable. Am coping with the kids i work with. I haven't got hurt or injured and am coping with other staff. All in all am feeling quite resilient.

I have had a few gambling thoughts, only to be expected I think.. but they have remained as thoughts. The recent self-exclusions are working well. If at any time I was going to havea walk up the hill to gamble, it would have been this evening... but that option is not available any more, so thats good.

Am looking forward to reading your update Londonbloke... only when your ready of course.

Onwards... S.A

P.s Ran 13 miles today. Its enjoyable in the cool weather.

Hi SA,

Work can be stressful at the best of times, and you work in an industry where you are put under significant pressure and often have to deal with others who are difficult to deal with. Its natural that you push your own problems to the back of your mind during the working week, as you are so busy dealing with other people's issues.

A gambling slip is not a failure, it is just a step backwards on a permanent journey. Counting can be useful in the early days, as it is a yardstick for progress, but beyond that I think it is each to their own.

Hope you find some peace and balance over the weekend.

Ryan

Thanks Ryan... and thankfully I haven't slipped.

Ive just been reading an article posted on the forum.. which basically says that human beings are social creatures and what makes human beings happy is social bonding. In the absence of other human beings to bond with the human being will bond with practically anything else... such as (in my case) the slot machine. Thats my addiction in a nut shell really and yet ive found it over the years so incredibly difficult to stop being solitary. That is what fundamentally has to change. Its just hard thats all. From time to time I make effort to be more social and even do a bit of internet dating and all that, only then to slip back into my solitary ways. Its like whats the point in doing internet dating or joining social type clubs if you haven't got a car... how do you get anywhere to meet people and do stuff.... and of course..why don't I have a car?? ... gambling of course. Its like a perpetual cycle of saving up a bit of money and then blowing it gambling, so i can't move my life forward. Its my self-detructive cycle that ive been stuck in for years. Self-wounding. Low self-esteem. Bla de bla de blah.

Anyway thats me saying it as it is. Tired of living my life as it is... S.A

Thank you Nt... that really is a very supportive post. Must admit I woke up in a foul mood today and feeling sorry for myself. I think in reality am just "tired"... a long hard week at work both physically and mentally followed by a half-marathon yesterday is bound to have an effect. Am not twenty something anymore.... Anyway one plus side is that my state of mind has galvanised me to start the "reasons not to do the lottery thread" in Overcoming Problem gambling section... which seems to be starting a helpful debate, for me at any rate.

I have some beef that am gonna make into a nice stew to eat later. I feel the need to eat somehting healthy. I been eating rubbish for the last 48 hours... not actual rubbish lol but am sure you get the drift.

Happy days... S.A