Hope

Thanks Suzanne and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

Am trying to have a relaxing day before am back into the autistic mix, but in truth am just feeling depressed and worried that I won't be able to cope. Maybe am just knackered as well after all the running ive done this week... 58 miles over 7 days.

A few thoughts of gambling come and go but my blocks prove effective. The casino is a problem in my thoughts but I won't go and self-exclude from it until am sure that thats what am gonna do. It would be so easy to go in and simply have a look around and not do the deed.

Life goes on.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Thanks Nt... well ive managed another 6 week stint gambling free (day 42). To be honest without the barriers ive put in place I probably wouldn't have got this far. Its like 99.4% of the time I am in touch with the damage that gambling has done to me, in all aspects of life, but 0.6% of the time I choose to ignore it and gamble. And thats all it takes isn't it, one moment of weakness and then several hundred pounds down the toilet with all the usual ramifications, financially and psycholgically.

I need all my barriers at the moment, especially the online blocker. It would o so easy to just have "a few spins".. "ya never know", "win big!" and all that b******s. Yes i know... no win is ever big enough for a compulsive gambler. Its just a short term loan to be paid back at extortionate rates of interest.

Am full of anxiety and stress at work. I feel the need to try and mask it. It tends to be the way as a man, protect the more vulnerable staff members from the challenging behaviour. The 6ft 4inch autistic 13 year old whom doesn't want to walk up the drive to school. I deal with it but then I find myself shaking and unable to speak for fear of stumbling over my words. Its not easy. You often see the women in floods of tears being consoled after an incident, but very rarely the men. Us men we just stoically carry on don't we, not wanting to show any weakness or vulnerability. I find with me if am given an oppuntunity to talk then i will. For a man am quite open but I tend not to go searching for it. Often I just fall silent and deal with it internally, which ain't good for me, but its just the way it is.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Well done on six weeks my friend, sorry to read about your stress at work, keep pushing along slowly but surely.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Wow, your running is so impressive. All those endorphines must be making some difference - all good in the long run. Yes, blocking and self excluding does help massively. Well done and keep on going. I always look out for your post as an encouragement so thank you. 🙂

Thanks both and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

Am feeling a bit better today. I was most depressed yesterday. Mostly a reaction to work I think. What I do for a living is unhealthy for my mind body and soul even though it is very worth while and makes a difference.

Anyway I had a good run today and made a few calls just to make sure i don't go through the whole weekend without speaking to anyone.

No thoughts of gambling

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA,

Thanks for touching the base. Every day is a victory, as long as we keep making the right choices. Stress in this life is unavoidable but surely manageable 🙂

Good to hear you made few phone calls and feeling better now. Enjoy that sunshine, keep being kind to you.
Be proud, you're doing it!

S x

Hi SA,

Bottling up all those stresses and negative emotions is what men do, but its also extremely harmful. Glad you were feeling a bit better yesterday, and that the new working week hasn't gone and ruined that good karma.

Keep making those good choices.

Ryan

Thanks both... and no gambling since my last post.

Am struggling with anxiety and tiredness. Am not sleeping and am only just holding it together at work. The pressure of dealing with people both children and other staff am finding hard to cope with.

Nothing positive to say other than am "not gambling".

Onwards... S.A

so tired of life on the edge of sanity

When gripped by an addiction, being able to write that you have not succumbed to it is hugely positive!

Anxiety & tiredness come as a package & I can only imagine how hard it is to do your job when staff members are making it even more challenging than it already is! I have great admiration for you SA & even though it is a daily struggle for you @ the moment, you are doing it! You should be extremely proud! Keep doing your best for the kiddies & try to be kind to you - ODAAT

Hi SA,

Brick by brick my dear friend. ..we both know how important rest is...as well as it's not easy to achieve such a luxury doing what you do. Keep on keeping on, be kind to you. It starts from within, start putting yourself first - you're worth it.

You know where i am dear soldier - 24/7 unconditionally

Take care and well done on your continued journey towards calmer and peaceful future...you will get there 🙂

S x

Thanks both and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

Blocks to gambling continue to prove very effective. If I want to gamble I will have to go and buy a new "device" or get on a bus and travel which of course I will do if I really really want to gamble, but I don't want, so I won't.

Work has been very hard. Psychologically ive turned in on myself, am finding it hard to speak and have conversations, the words just don't come. A combination of internal anxiety and lack of sleep me thinks. Sometimes all I can do is raise half a smile because it feels like if I try to put a whole sentence together I will stumble over my words and feel embarrassed.

I went to a works curry night last night. It was so hard to hold it together. I had a good old drink before but it made no difference. I just sat that there in self-imposed misery waiting for the end. I couldn't hear what anybody was saying. I don't know why I was invited anyway, am far from being the most exciting and dynamic of personalities, atleast not at the moment. I hate f****n socialising, just give me a plate of food and put me in a dark, quiet room.. I will be perfectly happy.

26 more get ups until the end of term. Am not sure I will make it and then I have no clue as to what i will do for work after that BUT if I remain gamble free then things have a habit of working out am sure.

To gamble is to take away hope for a better future.

To gamble is to take away options and possibilities.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA

It sounds like you might have a degree of social anxiety. This is something I've realised I have. Realising this has been something of a life-changer as it has allowed me to tackle it. I am working at it with the aid of this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Gillian/dp/1849010005

Early days but it seems to be making a big difference. It's task focussed, a CBT approach so not just waffle.

Apologies if I am off the mark or stating something you know already, but I thought it wouldn't harm to suggest.

Hope you have a nice gamble free day

Listening and reading SA, well done on no gambling,

Sending you strong and positive thoughts

Suzanne xxx

Thanks both and cheers for the info Cardhue.

Pleased to report that no gambling since my last post... 50 days clean once again.

Yesterday was hard. I really wasn't feeling very well. In retrospect I was probably a bit hungover as well.

I made a half hearted attempt to remove betfilter from my computer and failed, so thanks to betfilter for a decent piece of software.

Today I feel better. I went out for a 6 or 7 mile run but ended up doing 15! I love running, its the only thing that makes me feel alive.

I red the following in yesterdays paper

"A gambler who lost £30 at an arcade went beserk and smashed up 48 fruit machines in a £250,000 wrecking spree"

He was jailed for 2 years 8 months.

Makes me wonder what he he would have done if he's lost £400, which is a typical amount that I would have lost. I just walk out feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks for listening... S.A

You & me both S.A...Head hung low in shame as I left but not anymore! Now we can walk past them & know it's not our money going towards fixing up damaged machine or paying for new, even more addictive (if that is even possible) software!

A massive congratulations on your 50 days (good to see tools finally working like they should) & another massive WOW for that run 🙂

Keep fighting - ODAAT