Hope

Thanks both and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

Despite the fact that I get up at 4.45 a.m, cycle 8 miles and get stressed out at work.... I feel surprisingly ok today.

Just thought i'd say.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

You get up at 0445 and cycle 8 miles! That's some commitment! You must be an athlete! Jobs are just stressful... glad you're doing well in your recovery though.

And that was good listening SA,

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

Hope today wasn't too tirening and you are getting well deserved rest after work. Weekend is yours to take a step back and breathe again. Be kind to yourself, keep fighting and winning this fight!

Proud of you more than you can imagine!

S x

thanks all and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

I am just starting to feel human again after a very difficult day yesterday. One of the kids bit my collegue twice and one of them was quite deep. I was in the thick of it with said collegue trying these CALM techniques which are designed for children and not 17 year old children the size of adults. Reverse removal is a joke when the child is 15 stone and just drops to the floor. he wasn't gonna bite me "am to quick" but collegue wasn't. Its not nice to see. The school i work in takes the more challenging kids, cos they come with more pound signs on there head. Sorry to be a cynic. But to be fair its quite a good residential school, its just real tough on the staff very much including sensitive souls like me. Four and a bit weeks to go and then who knows?? Answers on a postcard. Life on the edge continues....

thanks for listening... S.A

Hi S.A.

I relate to so much of what you said... I work in the same field and have for the last 30+ years. I no longer roll around on the floor with them but, I am still in it waist high some days and I get it. No, you are not cynical but, honest. It's about how much contract money "the folks" come with. Where and how that money gets spent?? Not on direct care that's for sure. Anyway, glad to hear that you are still plugging along. I am too. I had to take a break from writing but, I have always kept up with your diary. Life is definitely a balancing act. Stay steady there on your edge. I will try to do the same. -joanxxx

Nice to hear from you Judy.

Pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

Ive been out for one of my mega long runs... 16 miles to be precise, 2 hours 29 minutes... which according to runners worlds "race time predictor" would equal a 4 hours 12 minute marathon. But knowing how much I slow in the last 6 miles I think it would be more like 4 hours 20 mins, which is my personal best.

Am steady on life's edge today.

Anybody fancy cleaning and tidying my flat??... no, i didn't think so 🙂

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hey SA,

Thanks for popping by ;-)..ohhh, that's one impressive time over here my friend and i believe you pay the "penalty" now lol lol
I just come bk from the run too..took me an hour and 15min..not saying what distance cause my device is lying! Lol..i guess maybe 8 miles then. Truly thinking of challenging myself one of these days while i am on holiday and go for 26 miles run to the town near by, good job it has sea so i can jump in to cool down lol. I shall update you how that goes, prob will take me all day, but hey - you won't try, you won't know 🙂

Have a good and safe day!
Ohh yea, shame our Suzanne is on holiday cause pretty sure she wouldn't mind some cleaning, I'm still waiting for my windows to be shined away :-)))

Ps. The car saved me from escalating gambling to be honest, i knew i need to invest somewhere before all savings dried out..even tho i thought of selling it number of times to feed my habit, i never did - thanks heavens!

speak later

S x

Thanks all and pleased to report that no gambling since my last entry.

Another very difficult day day of dealing with challenging needs. This is my normality at the moment and i feel on the edge.... 19 more get ups before the end of term... not sure i will make it.

No desire to gamble but then again as soon as I stop thinking or being active i start falling asleep. Why do i continue to put myself through this. There has to be another way.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Thanks GT and yes once again pleased to report that no gambling since my last entry.

Its been the hardest of weeks. Tiredness and stress levels are not good. On it goes. 16 more get ups until the end of term.

I have had thoughts of gambling online. I even went so far as to ask betfilter for the uninstall code... to which I got a slightly stroppy reply saying how they don't give out the uninstall code during the license period to which I replied back thanking them for doing their job properly and potentially saving me from gambling my money away. My practical barriers are proving very effective at the moment.

I am of course under no illusions. My addiction can sit patiently waiting for as long as it takes. I use to think that i had "unconditionally surrendered to gambling" as step one of the GA book states but it kind of doesn't feel that way, despite the damage ive done to myself over many years.

Having said that today my resolve not to gamble is strong and if I keep taking things one day at a time... my gambling free time inevitably starts to get longer once more.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Take it easy man and keep looking after yourself. Remember HALT? yep, that's a lot to do with our mindset and the way we deal with our emotions.
Be kind to yourself, keep marching on, you are the winner now! Keep up good work..recovery gifts the life back, why not to take it!

Keep believing and looking ahead dear friend

S x

Thanks Sandra... and yes HALT... though Hungry is not one that effects me as i eat enough for a family of 4! lol I think Lonely and especially Tired are the ones that are knocking me about at the moment. Its been one of the hardest working weeks that ive ever had and when the term is finally up I will be left wondering what on earth comes next... forward planning just isn't happening at the moment.

Today my mood has lifted thanks to a ten miler in the rain. Yesterday was bad, I was alive but barely functioning. My bed becomes something of a sanctuary, that and random rubbish on Netflix.

As for gambling, it lurks in the back ground. I imagine the feature dropping in after doing one spin on maximum bet. I imagine winning thousands. I imagine the feeling. I imagine what I will do with the money. And then in a moment of clarity I imagine what would really happen with the money??? yes youve guessed it... a chunk of it becomes more gambling money, to stay in the game and win again... and then when thats gone... it all becomes gambling money... and then I feel like s**t and I chase to win it back and bla bla bla....

No gambling since my last post and no gambling today.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Lovely to read you are still starving it SA, I know 1000% that if I placed one bet, it would have to be the max lol, and if I won big, it would all go as gambling tokens, and then the dangerous chasing and chasing, utter madness my friend, it's like physically hurting ourselves in a way, (like running towards a brick wall, and not stopping until we have hit it,

Stay strong and enjoy your well deserved Sunday my friend.

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

Thanks for your support, I'm glad you can find some of the positives this weekend, I guess you like many of my friends working as teachers have that countdown to the holidays firmly ticking in your mind. Glad you enjoyed your run, as a big lad I am a fan of summer rains and the lower temperatures that come with them, despite everyone else finding them a horrible bore according to what I read from friends on facebook.

You know the gambling cycle well enough, as do I. Winnings are just fuel for the bonfire of the addiction. Hope you have a good week, and that you can find some recovery times in between.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you both and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

I had a missed call today. I called it back and it was from a well known online gambling company, the one that i had lost alot of money to back in april. He was about to start his spiel when I stopped him in his tracks and I says that I have a gambling problem. He immediately thanks me for telling him and asks would i like him to close my account. I says yes please, to which he says he will do straight away and that i won't receive any further contact. I must admit that on a person to person level I was warmed by his prompt action and attitude. Don't get me wrong, if I really wanted to gamble online I still could, but his response to my admission was good.... so fair play to him.

Work is the usual rollercoaster. Big decision for me coming up. Do I apply for a permanent position as a learning support worker?? Ive got until the end of next week to put an application in or not. Answers on a postcard. Today as always am completely done in. Another early night, its all I seem to do.

Gambling can f**k off!!

Thanks for listening... S.A