Hope

And I am sooo pleased to read your positive report SA.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks for your thoughts folks and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

I completed another half marathon in the warm yesterday... very hard going it was, but I enjoyed it nonetheless... 13.31 miles in 2 hours and 40 seconds. Beer and food after went down well.

Back to reality today. Sitting in my unkempt flat pondering my future but finding no answers. I still feel like am on the same old roundabout in life, unable to change. Life on the edge.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Well done on that impressive run!!! I did 5 miles today but that was half walk half run..really struggling with my stamina to keep up the pace recently and cannot do full run in one go....still,fresh air is something i appreciate the most, really nice to feel that sun on this skin.

Don't think about future too much dear friend. The more we think the more expectations we set for ourselves. I know it's easy to say..after all I'm looking too far ahead myself lol..but as one of my best friends said "learn to walk before you can run". ..so i am taking it easy...concentrating on the dates closer to me..the rest will unfold itself in time. As long as we are making those right choices and staying friends with ourselves, it is steps forward and not back 🙂

I hope you're keeping HALT intact and are NOT one of those? 😉 skip lonely bit lol..i am lonely also but never know what's round the corner and how can things change! Look after yourself, embrace the unknown..you're on the right track - keep winning!

S x

Bless you Sandra... very wise words, ive read them several times... thanks.

Yesterday i was feeling very depressed, but then of course i'd been drinking the day before... and running hard of course ( i was knackered!). Somehow I hadn't made the connection. All I new was that I was feeling sorry for myself and everything felt hopeless. Today has been a different day and i feel much more on a level... my emotional health has improved.

Despite my topsey turvvy emotional health, I have no desire to gamble. Today I recognise clearly the damage that gambling has done to me over many years and today as in yesterday I say... no more!!

No gambling!!

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Am still here and still gambling free.

Am not struggling with thoughts of gambling at the moment but after all these years of trying to stay stopped am realistic about the reality of living side by side with an addiction.

Just for today...

Thanks for listening... S.A

And in harmony with it too at times, SA, you are doing just fine,

Take care and stay very safe.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne and pleased to report that no gambling since my last entry.

Its been a bit of a nothing weekend. I had planned to play snooker and go for a few pints with friends but just as i was about to leave I had a text from one friend that read "mate sorry carnt make it tonight just done my b******s in at the bookies, sorry mate" I replied back with a consolatory message... cos i do get it. I undertsand why compulsive gamblers sabotage ourselves at the last moment. Its entirely possible that he didn't "do his b******s" but thats all he could think of in the moment when he decided he didn't want to go. However I suspect he probably did.

Anyway I then decided that i'd opt out as well and sent my own text to other mate, with my own excuses. I thought to myself well he's going with someone else anyway so 3 would be an awkward number for snooker bla bla and then when he phoned I ignored the call. Am not normally one for being unreliable and a bit rude but on this occasion I was. I find socialising hard work much of the time. Whether its just the way I am (slightly autistic) or a consequnce of having spent years prefering to stand infront of a machine and gamble am not quite sure. I will of course go out for a run this morning even though am tired cos there is no pressure of other people, just me and my running.

Thanks for listening... S.A

We have to do what makes us feel comfortable with ourselves at times SA, and if going out last night was feeling uncomfortable, it's ok to cancel/postpone it, our recoveries come first, (even if that sounds selfish lol) your job is very demanding, so I can fully understand your need/want to be on your own at times, and not have any pressure.

Have a good Sunday.

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

Totally relate to your feelings and am very similar myself..everyone who knows me, know that i can change my mind in a matter of minutes..which is ok cause I'm being left at peace and can make my mind up with no rush. I can wake up and decide to go see a friend i haven't seen for ages or i can say "yes" to going out for all week but when the time comes i say "no"..lol..that's me I'm afraid

Hope your day is good to you and you're looking after yourself! Keep on trucking 😉
I'm right behind ya

S x

Thanks folks, thoughts much appreciated as always. I will post back in due course ie when term ends and am not so mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Pleased to report that no gambling since my last post. No thoughts or urges to gamble. Now thats a good thing.

I have an interview for a permanent post at the school I work in, doing what I do now. I have decided to attend the interview but thats as far as my thoughts go just now. Baby steps isn't it. Don't over think it. A run this evening, calm my mind.

Life continues.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Thanks GT and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post. The practical barriers I put up in April are doing a fantastic job. Its not particularly easy for me to gamble with the exception of walking into a newsagent and buying lottery products, but then thats never really been my thing anyway... and I haven't had any inclination to do that. The online block is so good. I think I probably would have fallen if it wasn't for that.

In my self i am depressed... spending quite alot of time just lying in bed. Big week coming up, last day of term and then interview mid-week for a job I don't especially want. I want job security yes, but not this job security. Am so weary of dealing with challenging needs. The pressure, it grinds you down, it grinds me down! Am also worried that if they give me the job I will HAVE to get a car before winter. The physical and mental demands over the last 18 months have been tremendous and the financial implications will most probably give rise to gambling urges as well. Ive just seen it happen with my mate. His brother actually gave him a car but he's done his b******s in the bookies anyway, trying to win money to pay for stuff. What to do, f**k a doodle do??? So tired of living on the edge.

One positve... I ran 14 miles in 2 hours 5 mins today. Not a personal record, but quite pacy for me.

Thanks for listening... S.A

S.A. sorry to hear you are depressed, but you know that gambling would make things a whole lot worse. I feel that when we stop gambling, that thrill (if thats what it can be called) no longer exists and the living on the edge goes away which does take its toll. I hope you start to feel a little better and dont worry about the have to get a car before winter situation as this could well see you trying to 'win' the money...i'm talking from fresh experience as i tried to make some additional holiday spending money, instead i very nearly jeopardised the very same thing 🙁

Take Care

Hi SA,

Thanks for your lovely message, can't swop a week with you lol, but I can send you positive and strong thoughts and a ((((((HUG)))))

Am not surprised you are feeling depressed, it's not good at all being in a job we don't like, and I really feel for you, can you not use the summer holidays to try and find something totally different work wise, something you will not get extra stress with, you and your recovery comes first.

Take care my friend.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks both and pleased to report that no gambling since my last entry.

Term and contract has now ended except it hasn't..... two more weeks working in the summer school as from next week and interview tomorrow for permanent position. I have said I will attend. Struggling to allow my brain to think about it and prepare. Consequently my stress levels are rising rapidly. Add to the mix ive just had a text from my sister to say that my dad has had a concerous growth removed from his neck and is having a skin graft tomorrow. He wasn't going to say anything but its leaked out. I feel bad for my lack of contact. Years of addiction and ignoring family.... not good. Also council coming today to inspect my tip of a flat. I need to clean and tidy.

I need to get a grip today. I need to work recovery and not work towards relapse.

Thanks for listening... S.A

P.s As with others I watched the "Britain at the bookies" documentary. I had to turn off just before the end, when the FOBT guy was left with £4.80 to last until his next benefit payment in two weeks time. I have lived that life, it brought back difficult memories and so sad to see how completely consumed by addiction that fella was and seemingly still along way from wanting to try and stop. Allowing these machines and the proliferation of multiple bookies in the high street is clearly very wrong.

Sending you extra strong and positive thoughts today SA,

Take care and stay safe

Suzanne xxx