Hope

Pleased to read your report on no real gambling my friend.

I think our recoveries do mean we have to go back to concentrating on abstaining at times, our recoveries are not one way forward, they take side and back steps lol, but as long as we abstain and maintain taking one day at a time, other stuff does fall into place, playing free slots would not work for me, as they simply just don't interest me, but we are all unique on here, and as long as it keeps you abstaining and safe, and it's not feeding your addiction

We have to do whatever works for us to keep abstaining and maintaining my friend.

Have a great gambling free Sunday.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks for your thoughts folks.

As with my last post I have not gambled a single penny of real money on any form of gambling.... which is a good thing! Unfortunately from time to time I continue to make the choice to play for free and at times my deluded thinking plots and schemes how I could make these things pay. As I sit and type I have no urge to try my luck, partly because my blocking software prevents me and partly because I don't want to. But as we all know with this addiction it only takes a moment to act on an urge which at times seems to come from nowhere.

The bottom line "for me" is that I cannot win because I cannot stop. This fact is very clear in my long gambling history. My gambling is more about the passage of time than anything else.

It also crosses my mind that what would I do if I won a bunch of money?... i'd have to spend it in secret, because i wouldn't want to admit to loved ones that i'd been gambling... how would I explain driving down for christmas in a nice car? My gambling would only perpetuate secrets and lies and I don't want to be that sort of person.

Anyway the bottom line is that I continue to abstain but much work to do on the relationaship with myself and my faulty thinking.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA,

Good to read your post....not so good to see you are doing what i did just before i had a full blown relapse not long ago :-/
Don't forget that free play is starting that web of thoughts usually leading to disaster...

Just my opinion dear friend, i want you safe and happy! ☺

Hope running goes well...I'm off the track for over two weeks 🙁

Will get bk on it soon ( i can hope 😉 )

Take care and have a lovely Xmas if i won't catch you before

S xx

Day 89 gamble free. Not a penny gambled on any form of gambling.

Ive been socialising a bit, which is a good thing for me, but also drinking and indulging in other escapist activities, which is not such a good thing... but hey as long as no gambling.

Abstinence rather than recovery continues, I'd like to find that missing piece of the jigsaw GT sooner rather than later.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA,

Escapism activities huh...:-/ ...might be temporary release but ya need to keep things on top! As long as they're healthy - enjoy!! ☺
As soon as it comes not so healthy...hmmmm..just don't get addicted lol..ya know what i mean 😉

Well done on nearing tribble figures...look at ya - go dear sprinter 😉

S x

SA

Fella good to see you are still fighting to eradicate the self gifted destruction that would be gambling from your life.

I have a very jaundiced view of money today because for me the bottom line is that it doesn't bring happiness to my life on it's own. For me it is purely a means to function, I understand the need to earn it but I no longer class it as the most important factor in my life, for me self happiness is the most important factor because from that some wonderful things happen.

Yes there are still the days when I feel like I constantly hold the sh#itty end of the stick, I accept the challenge those days bring, and one thing is for sure by feeding the addiction that lives within I would simply cover myself in said s#hi#t !

You will have heard that saying many times before in the ga rooms

Give recovery 90 days and after those days if you don't see positive change then by all means get back at it.

Well from this side of the fence I can see you have founded the opportunity for change, please take it, most of all enjoy it.

I remember well the great deliberation you had before regarding owning a car, eventually deciding against it, maybe it's time to re open that thought, maybe you will find a piece of that puzzle under a tire?

Keep making the right choice for you my friend

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 90 gamble free

Thanks folks.. I will get back to you all soon enough.

I been thinking how unsettled ive been the last 3 or 4 weeks. I don't think coming off the anti-depressants was a good idea. I went for several weeks feeling good and at peace with myself but recently ive just started going off the rails and feeling not right ....scared of my own shadow. Ive been trying to socialise a bit more but struggle to cope with being around people. Am so use to me myself and I. its the only way am able to fully relax... well that and dissappearing into the internet.

Life carries on regardless.... just breath

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

It's good to see you passing 90 days of abstaining:))

About your tablets, if you feel that you have come off them too soon, you can go back to the docs, and start them again,

Your health and frame of mind must come first my friend,

Take care and keep yourself safe.

Suzanne xxx

Day 93 of abstinence.

Thanks Suzanne... I think alot of my moods are a reaction to stress. I guess the tablets kind of level me out a bit. Most of the kids at the school are on something or other for mood stabilisation so why not the staff.

Feel good that ive said no to the opportunity to get up at 5 a.m and cycle 6 miles in the rain to get other people up. Sometimes I find it hard to say no but I have been saying no recently. I don't have to feel tired and exhausted all the time... especially after 3 days of quite demanding work at the school.

I might go back to bed in a bit... f**k it! 😉

Thanks for listening... S.A

P.s I get the arguments for not counting days, but at the same time I'm finding it motivational, in that this is now, (more or less) my longest spell "off it" for the last 18 months.

Ive just been flicking back through my diary for the last 18 months or so and my longest spell "off it" was actually 97 days and reading about my state of mind before that relapse was quite shocking... over worked, over tired, over stressed and being offered the prospect of more of the same but on a permanent basis. If I remember correctly the trigger was alcohol (lowering the defences) but the true stress was the "making the decision" of what to do with my working life. The actual act of gambling was "time out" or a "distraction" from my struggling to make a decison about what to do... even though the answer was "obvious"... don't do it! I did in the end make the correct decision for me but not until after much angst and (as it turned out to be) an on-going gambling melt down.

I think many of us live in a culture of work is everything. Since ive gone part-time people have asked me "well what do you do?" when your not working and sometimes I don't really have an answer to that question, cos am still trying to work that one out myself. Its as if the voice in my head is saying "you must contribute a minimum of 40 hours a week.. otherwise your an idol layabout!!" Its only now into my 40's that am trying to challenge that.

I guess it makes a big difference whether you trully enjoy your job or whether its just work and whether of course you have lots of responsibilities with the upkeep of a family, car etc. Sitting here now at lunch time having properly woken up, after a mid-morning cat nap and a long bath and a leisurely breakfast am feeling surprisingly good! 🙂 I guess that getting more "rest" is one of the answers to the "what do you do?" question.

Onwards....

thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA,

Great post :)) and whatever you are doing on your days off is working my friend, 93 days is fantastic,

Keep doing what you are doing because it is doing you good :))))

OAUs xxxx

Day 96 gambling free.

Well on the face of it, it hasn't been a great few days. Ive retreated into my own thoughts and become hermit like, which is never a good sign. Ive spent long periods of time watching Youtube video's or netflix or the snooker. It is better than gambling... alot better than gambling, but its not been very constructive. Ive had all these texts for work here and work there but I just couldn't be arsed to respond to them.

I woosh I wasn't quite so introverted. Neighbour rang me up to walk down one flight of stairs and have a mince pie with him, but I declined preferring to continue sitting in isolation instead.

I have been out for a run this morning... 7 miles with up hill to finish. Longest run ive done since the great south run back in October.

Ive also been reading back to this time last year when I was about 4 weeks clean. I was upbeat and talking about how 2015 was going to be my year of change. Two weeks later I was back in the s**t and 2015 turned out to be more of the same. 2016 is just around the corner... Come on S.A... stay "off" the gambling merry go round.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey lovely man:))

Don't underestimate yourself, you have been for a run, 7 miles up hill wow, I would not even be able to walk one mile up hill:))

Keep pushing through SA you know it's worth it, the good days will soon come back, but hey, after that run, I'd say you are having a good day today.

Don't feel guilty about not wanting to socialise, if you think about it you are socialising every day at work,

One thing I have learnt so far on this journey of mine, is I have become a bit of a loner lol, and I am not going to feel guilty about it,

Don't you :)))

Chill out, I am lol listening to Adele suits my mood today.

Take care and bloody well done on 96 hard days

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne 🙂 As it turned out, my mate came round sunday and the company was appreciated.

Day 98 gambling free. Now officially the longest ive been "off it" for the last 18 months, so thats good.

Work has been well stressy the last couple of days, but just 1 more day to go at the school.

I keep pushing through.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 100 gambling free.

Thanks GT, like you say... keep pushing through the exmas period.

I feel rubbish today. maybe am just over tired and stressed at the prospect of a late shift at this place where I don't particularly like working. Ive also booked up a long day at the same place. Its kind of good that i work on the run up to exmas as it stops me getting too bored or restless and hence thinking devilish thoughts. I am in fertile territory for a gambling f**k up but I am determined not to.

Barriers in place. I will not gamble!

Thanks for listening... S.A