Hope

Well done SA on 100 days of abstaining and maintaining:))

Keep pushing through and keep believing, lovely achievement

Suzanne xxx

101!!! Great going SA! ☺

Will be my honour to complete 10 miles for ya tom ! (Maybe 6 lol..i didn't run for nearly a month..i know..aging bones that is and cannot take cold 🙁 )

Tk it easy with work, tiredness is not a laughing matter

Take care, keep on winning

S x

Thanks all 🙂

I guess i need to write pretty regular at the moment... feeling tired and unsettled most of the time. Things I need to be doing like buying exmas presents and posting them is just not happeneing. Am also stressing about a long shift ive stupidly accepting from 7 a.m to 9.30 P.m on Sunday 20th. The original text from the agency said it was my home town but then it turns out that its not but I still said yes, just cos i felt under a bit of pressure to say yes. This will mean up at 5 a.m and then a 6 mile cycle in whatever the weather happens to be to then work for 14.5 hours and where your not allowed to eat any of the homes food and all for just above minimum wage to then cycle home again. Am also stressing about the man with cerebral palsey (dodgy speeling) who lives there. He has complicated moving and handling procedures and who plays up with new staff and its stressy. Am worried I will accidently mess things up and cause him pain or he will fall. It also stresses me that I might randomly end up with someone else who doesn't especially know what they are doing either (or does but doesn't care)... its all random. Why did I say yes. for f**k sake

I want to cancel... but I don't think being honest and saying it as it is will be in my best interests.. it just means I won't have work sent my way when i want it... but then i also want to give them plenty of notice rather than ringing in sick the night before.

What do i say folks? I don't want to stress about this for several days.

No gambling

Thanks for listening... S.A

Something great has just happened... Ive had the following text from the agency...

"Cancellation of shift at "*******" on Sunday 20th, sorry client no longer requires cover"

Its made my day lol...

Have a good day folks... S.A 🙂

WOW & there was me typing out a long weary answer about not catastrophizing it...Fantastic news S.A. but please, never fear the what ifs! You know how good you are with the people you are really there for, you would be putting 100% into getting the handling procedures right & if by chance you did get paired up with someone who doesn't care, then thank goodness one of you does!

Now get out & get my present, it's not gonna get itself 😉

Jeez SA, What a happy ending to your predicament about work, I too was going to reply to your above post, but pleased you have got the solution to that one:))), your guardian angel must be watching over you today:)))

You can get back on track now, and oh by the way, don't forget my pressie,0)) lol.

Just read a post that upset me, but yours has made me smile again.

Suzanne xxx

Hey SA!

Great news of no work front and am pleased for you! That means more time for yourself ☺

Thank you for your post. Only managed 5 miles for you my friend..and even those came from the energy shot i was given by my friend...hmmm..never thought those gelly things would help but i guess it kept me on my feet ☺. Absolutely freezing now and it was a challenge to get outdoors since I'm house bound!

re the addiction. You're right, i am suddenly not ready to give up 🙁 truly not sure what's happening & i don't want to keep slipping....but i don't want to put actions in place either..really f****d up and don't know when it ends. Please don't get back to this horrible place. It's dissaster when your brain tells you one thing but addictive behaviour tells different. I'm back to hour zero ffs...so please, let me stay behind you for those 101 days!...i hope this is it and i can say enough but I'm not brave enough to voice myself while mr G has his hands on me and holds the grip tight 🙁

It is what it is! Life goes on ☺...ohhh..sorry for the waffle...just thought i touch the base - distraction that is & i need it 😉

Stay safe and keep ur chin up!

S x

Hey SA,

How are you doing lovely man:)))

Suzanne xxx

Day 104 gambling free 🙂

Thanks for your thoughts and advice folks and yes am doing ok Suzanne. 🙂

Its been a mad few days to be honest. Ive been working lots and cycling lots and being tired lots and then I had a bit of a mad night out on Saturday. One of these spontaneous things that just happens. Lots of beer and drunkenness and then i bumped into a work colleague (who was my boss for a bit) and we spent several hours in a night club hugging and saying how much we loved each other... in a joking kind of way, sort of.. lol She was very P****d and i was fairly P****d and I haven't seen her since 3 a.m Sunday morning. But when are paths do cross again it might well be quite embarrassing... eek! Her friends were very protective mind and made sure she didn't jump into a taxi with me! lol

No big urges to gamble, even when drunk, which is quite surprising. I frittered away some money saturday night but nothing like the hundreds that disappear down the drain after a gambling splurge.

Anyway thats me. I am pleased to be getting some gambling free time behind me once more. I must I think be feeling a bit stronger in myself even when it doesn't quite feel like it.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Pleased to see you getting some good gambling free time behind you, don't understand the eeks and she was very and you were fairly,lol,,0:) get it on lovely man, go for it, (in a very nice way ofcourse lol) you may have been fairly*** but from what I am reading and listening to, SA is getting his confidence back and why??? Simply because he stuck two fingers up at Mr G and meant it, even though it surprised him.:)))

WTG lovely man

Suzanne xxx

Hey SA,

Thanks for touching the base ☺ i know you "know", so it's good to have a common ground (in a way). The main thing as ya say - never give up on giving up! & hell I'm up for the fight indeed...the stones might break the bones, but if ya are not dead, you are up for self defence huh 😉

Glad to see you moving on and very pleased for your achievements...lady in the picture huh 😉 awesome! Don't overthink stuff, if it's meant to be - it's meant to be! Only you can know that ☺

One day at a time!

10 miler lined up for ya in a morning (that's me sweating away lol)

Keep up good work

S x

Day 107 gambling free.

Well I think that's me done with work for the rest of the year. I feel completely exhausted. The last 10 days or so has done me in. Ive struggled to cope. One positive is that ive put myself in a situation where i don't have to work if I don't want to... and right now i don't want to. Another positive is that am not gambling, so i don't have to respond to the agency text messages, cos I don't desparately need money. Next year i aim to become permanent staff somewhere but not at the school am currently at, cos the kids get more challenging and the long cycle doesn't get any shorter. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

One of the things I find when am really tired is that i struggle to be around people and when i am around people I struggle to speak or end up just saying or doing daft things that get misinterpreted. Thats what happened yesterday. Anyway before i start talking in riddles, am going back to bed.

No urges to gamble, Thank f**k for that.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Sometimes you just have to deal with stuff in your head, cos if you don't than ya end up blocking it out with other stuff like gambling, drinking, binge eating etc. Its not rocket science is it, but not something historically ive ever been very good at. Well today I decided to message a collegue at work and apologise for something. We have this jokey laughey finger prodding kind of work friendship which i thought suited us well but as it turned out he sometimes took for me being arrogant and big headed... which couldn't be further from the truth in my mind. But anyway ive messaged and apologised and just tried to explain (briefly) without getting all analitical.... cos the whole situation is bugging me.

My low self-esteem struggles to cope when someone is annoyed with me. Usually am well liked, cos I adapt to get along with all. I apprecaite that this isn't especially a great thing, cos then am not being true to myself. But it is easier sometimes in a work environment just to go with the flow.

Anyway am trying to follow the whole 48 hour routine. In that the issue and the emotion will have gone and passed into history by tomorrow. This is me trying to work recovery and not just abstain.

I really don't want to gamble anymore. My motivation not to gamble is getting stronger once more.

Day at a time... S.A

I just had this reply

--- my friend. You are never arrogant or selfish you're definitely a good egg. I hope you found my banter humorous as it was intended? We all have different tools of coping to get through life at times. I use humour also. You're always welcome to take the P**s out of me mate. Peace and love to you.

Thats that sorted

wink emoticon

There you,go lovely man, welcome to the recovery journey again:)))

Suzanne xxx