Hope

Aww SA, thanks, and you are a lovely man, (even if you are a mucky mucky one:)))

Have a great gambling free day.120 days, WOW,

Suzanne xxx

Dear diary.... 4 months gamble free today.

This time last year I was very much at rock bottom and to be honest it continued that way for the first 8 months of the year. I never got beyond 3 months clean. I lurched from one gambling binge to the next and my mental health got steadilly worse as time passed... 2015 was a very bad year taken as a whole. Gambling addiction humbled me once again.

However 2016 has now arrived and i have built a solid foundation to build upon. I am realistic, it will not be easy and I don't think I have the emotional resilience to bounce back from another fall. The only solution is not to fall.

My barriers are in place and they are working well. What thoughts of gambling I do have levitate towards online. My gambling head says that you can win more money online, but of course i have learnt that it doesn't matter how much I win because i keep gambling until I have no more access to money. The only solution is not to gamble. The only win is not to gamble. When I don't gamble I have more money. This time last year I was up to the edge of my over draft but the same time this year I have money in the bank. Simples!

Something else which crosses my mind about last year is how much i have punished myself. Not only was I gambling my money away but I spent much of the year getting up at 4.30 a.m to cycle for miles to do a job that completely stresses me out. Then on top of that I was doing lots of long hard runs of between 10 to 20 miles on a regular basis. Not to put too fine a point on it I was completely f*****g myself over.. akin to continuously cutting myself. Its no wonder I went completely off the rails.

The best thing I did last year was to go part-time. That helped me to stop the rot. It helped me to start seeing the wood for the tree's once again. I started to get my sanity back once again and i was able to stop gambling. But I think even this is a stepping stone to something else. I am still doing my long cycle rides to work and i am still getting stressed out with what i have to do when i get there. I did one 7 hour shift yesterday I came back feeling completely frazzled, struggling to contain my anxieties. I have 2 more shifts as over-time. Its good money and thats why am doing it, but it takes its toll. I need to up my game to find alternative employment.

If I can be writing on here this time next year, saying that i ahven't gambled and am enjoying my new job then that will be fantastic.

In the meantime its head down and work hard at not gambling and living life instead.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 123

Ive just re-joined the village health club. I've missed the gym & pool & steam room & sauna & jacuzzi etc etc.

Its my treat to myself for staying away from gambling.

If i'd of had a binge this christmas it wouldn't have happened.

Enuff said.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

S.A wrote:

Day 123

Ive just re-joined the village health club. I've missed the gym & pool & steam room & sauna & jacuzzi etc etc.

Its my treat to myself for staying away from gambling.

If i'd of had a binge this christmas it wouldn't have happened.

Enuff said.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Welcome back SA. Short and sweet, but you know the drill. Keep coming back.

Day 125

January blues. Monday morning blues.

No gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

S.A wrote:

Day 125

January blues. Monday morning blues.

No gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hello SA. You appear to need a big hug. Allow me to provide you with one. ((((((SA)))))

Done 🙂

Evening my lovely little piggie ;)))) lol

Yep can relate to January blues, but we are gamble free, so the blues are not as near bad as when we were gambling.

Also sending you a hug (((((SA)))))))

Suzanne xxx

Gym???? Why not wii fit ☺..loved my hour work out today...even if had to run in one spot for half hour haha...bonkers but that's just me! 😉

You keep knocking those days down dear SA! Every day we have a choice - that is the key in recovery ☺
Be good, stay calm & safe

Love, hugs

Sandra x

Day 126

Hi Sandra... wii fit is for girls... you wouldn't catch me prancing about in my lounge lol... in any case it would annoy my neighbour underneath. Thanks for the thought though and lovely to hear from you! 😉

Am feeling much better today. Monday was just pants, felt depressed and over tired. Work was hard going and I played free online slots in the evening. My blocking software prevents me from playing for real, but i know its dangerous to do what i did.

Today is a new day and am feeling much better. Maybe i was just a bit ill and stressing about work.

No gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi piglet ;)))

You know I have been listening to you since I started my rollercoaster journey, you are more experienced than me, and I do relate to all you say SA, and learn from it 🙂 and am chuffed that you can relate to some of my rollercoaster reamblings:)))

But a big but my dear friend, how come after over 21 months of being gamble free, why oh why do I still have urges/ think about gambling and why when I get low, it brings back all the aftermath of gambling, I totally admire you for your honesty and persistence, I know everyone has low periods, but this gamblng melochy:)) just won't disappear, will it, no matter how many happy pills we take lol, but yes Xmas is stressful whether we see family or not, because of how society projects is lol, a bit like how gambling establishments projects gambling, listen as long as we don't follow like sheep anymore we will be fine/ok, pleased to read you are on the up again. I know you will understand my ramblings on your post :)))

Take care and keep positive.

Suzanne xxx

...how very dare you? Do you know how many ladies are on here? 😀
Am not on about throwing snowballs, spinning hoops or being a penguin and catching fish in the sea :-)))))...I'm on about boxing, kung fu & even running! ..besides yoga is good for everyone also (even if i feel like broke my back today)...neighbours won't mind, don't tell me ya live in a saints blockhouse and everyone in bed by 1800 😀

Good to see you in uplifting spirits SA, you go my friend...it's definitely looking good ahead huh
...hmmmmm...those free games :-(....i don't know my friend, i actually did the same not long ago...purely to forget a lil stressful day :-/...we need to try harder and don't see something like that as a way of escape. We both can do better! & we will....f**k slots and gambling alltogether - bring wii fit on! ☺ 😀

Stay good and rest well

S x

Day 128 and thanks for your thoughts Suzanne and Sandra 🙂

There is a certain satisfaction in paying off more than the minimum on the credit card but then its always followed by a little worry about future rent & bills and maybe i'd of been better off paying as little as possible. But then I kind of reason that bringing the balance down to more confortable levels means that going forward the debt just becomes background noise and nothing to worry about.

Of course when gambling I think nothing of feeding £20 note after £20 note into the slot of transfering another £100 on to the gambling site, that is until their is nothing left to feed or transfer.

Today am not troubled with thoughts of gambling so thats a good thing.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

P.s Ive just said NO to a shift. In all honesty I could probably do with the money, but the long cycle and the stress I could do without so I said NO. I feel good for saying no.

Also when I finished up yesterday at my usual school, my collegue looked at me with disbelieve that i wasn't doing the full week. I found the need to tell a white lie and say that i worked somewhere else, which i do sometimes, but maybe not this week. The implication was that i was lazy, which is not true (cycling 8 miles to work!)... but i chose to say nothing.

Well done SA for saying NO, but work in progress on your little white lie lol, you don't have to,defend yourself now, :))) you are doing it your way.

Suzanne xxx

Hey mucky one 😉

Thanks for dropping by and yes yes yes - own diary is own diary with all the good, bad and ugly stuff.
I've been on here for nearly 3 years (can't say i made progress tho 🙁 ) but do feel like it's my 3rd home 🙂 ..remember Rach mentioning "home" before, and that time it just triggered my emotions and anger but not towards this site...i know what she meant and will be forever greatful for picking such a subject.
I was thinking how folks changing over time. To be fair i don't see your personality changing after being a "homie" for a while..look at me..lol..where that shy quiet girl gone? I changed 100% since started this journey and man...am i not a pain in a b*m :-D...slap my wrists but hey, recovery brought both sides out of me (or as my Sesuo would say..."all 100".

Good to see you standing your ground! Saying NO is not easy..but sometimes we got to so we benefit our wellbeing!

Well..waffling on and duties are calling (couldn't say no for another vice of mine - cigs :-()..so i shall catch ya later SA, keep on keeping on..

Life is good if we let it to be good 😉

S x

Morning SA, I noticed you brought the lottery thread to the front, lol, mind you its all over the news, and they have said it's impossible to win on the new numbers, so what's the point if you think it will scar your amazing gamble free days.

Have a good mucking out day my friend

Suzanne xxx