Hope

Day 130

Yes Suzanne exactly. The thoughts have passed. £2 saved.

Slept badly last night, not sure why, but hey how.

Ive decided to buy a slow cooker, something which i'd never do if I was gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Lol, sending you loads of none mucky ha ha cyber rubs, lol,

Hey that's good news, you have treated yourself, Aldi's stewing steak, cooks lovely on one of those cookers:)) Infact 99% of their products is good, converted to them yea wait for it slowly but surely lol:))

Suzanne xxx

Day 131

Well in retrospect i'd of bought a bigger one. £10 did seem rediculously cheap for a slow cooker. Its fine just for me, but my mates coming round and by the time i'd put enough potatoes and onions in (for 2 big hungry blokes) there was no room for the meat!

Its daft that I wouldn't think twice about feeding 20's into a machine but spending just a tenna on something very useful, was not an easy thing to do.

The addict within me is very much alive and kicking, its just that my barriers are high enuff and they are working.

Time to go for a run!!

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

The meat goes in first at the bottom lol:)) not on the top, am sure you enjoyed your meal anyway.

Keep kicking that addiction where it hurts into the gutter

Keep strong and keep safe.

Suzanne xxx

Well, apparently not Suzanne!!

Slow cooking experts (if you believe what these folks on the internet say) reckon that root vegtables need to go at the bottom nearer the heat source, cos they don't cook so well in slow cooker. Strange but true. Common sense says the opposite would be true.

Anyway ive just eaten my beef and vege and although beef was tender it wasn't very flavoursome and there was toooo much liquid, which of course doesn't evaporate during cooking.

Note to self for next time: More flavour, less liquid.

While am e*e I let it be known that I did a 6 mile run this morning... including going up big hill. So well done to me.

A good day thus far... no urges to gamble.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

I miss cooking and my slow cooker used love doing bbq ribs in there for a late night snack

Hey piggie lol:)))

My apologises, I have never used these new slow cookers, I use the old fashioned one lol, in the conventional oven in a Pyrex dish

and cooked on a low heat, :)))

Yes well done for thst run, 6 miles and some of it up hill:)) you must be as fit as a fiddle, :)))

And ofcourse really pleased to read you have 0% gambling thoughts.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Day 132

There ia a weakness in my character thats for sure. I was struggling to cope with the idea of going back to work last night, so hey ho I chose to play free online slots, once more. To be honest online slots sure are boring when there is no anticipation of a win, but somehow they still fulfil a function. I am able to sit there and zone out to spinning reels, not having to think or feel anything real, switch off from reality and everything going on in my headspace. Its very effective, before I know it an hour has passed and ive lost £400 of imaginary money. I know I am safe because my blocking software will prevent me gambling for real money, but it is very true that i am highly dependant on the betfilter software. Without it I would have fallen once more. Willpower in and of itself has never got me very far.

Having said all of this I can forgive myself. I acknowledge my own mental weaknesses and in the great scheme of things I had put barriers in place to protect myself from this type of scenario.

As it turned out my stress about work proved correct. The six foot 2 inch, muscular autistic man that am cureently working with "kicked off" today. He sent one member of staff to hospital and it was only luck that it wasn't me.

Strangely now am home I feel good. Its probably relief at having survived another day, but maybe also the fact that ive been eating well over the weekend and am feeling healthy and strong. Another slow cooked meal of meat and vege this evening. No pringles for tea lol....... and no gambling!!

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Enjoy your meat and veg on your new cooker lol, and well done on getting through a tough day, you certainly have a tough job mentally and physically, proud of you.

Suzanne xxx

Hi S.A

Interesting what you say I personally can't contemplate playing for play money in too scared it will trigger something. I have the blocks in place like you but I coul find away on sure if needed. I used to love poker on FB I was quiet good at it my account is say there with around 400 million in it if only it was real big in sure I could find a way to blow that to.

I was out at the weekend and game of killer pool took place it was only 2 quid but didn't dare I'd have been gutted

You keep going the way you are it's working it's working and if your in control with the blocks in place if it itches that itch brilliant as long as it doesn't turn into a deep cut

KTF

Thanks both... I appreciate the support.

The bottom line is that what I did yesterday was a reaction to stress. A learnt behaviour.

Until I find the courage to step away from "challenging needs" work, I can only expect more of the same.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I really don't want to gamble, its ruined my life.

Thanks for listening... S.A

I haven't gambled a penny of real money for 132 days.

Keep up the good work SA. I'm starting again. Its ruined my life too.

Day 135 gambling free.

Struggling at the moment. Feeling stressed and depressed

However it is time to stop playing free online slots, cos eventually I will play for real money.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Good choice dear SA, not healthy lol.

135 days of hard work my friend, time maybe for a real treat, like doing something totally different and out of the ordinary, that will make you feel positive, just a thought

Keep strong and stay safe

Suzanne xxx

Wrote a big long rant about the lack of support within the care system for those of us emotionally and physically drained dry by the vampire system which vanished in the ether but you know all that anyway. Have been off sick for three months and had no idea how depleted I was, now doubting I will ever get back and looking at other work so do understand just how difficult these changes are. You have age in your favour and many transferable skills, use them and I am sure stuff will happen for you. I also use on line games as have been housebound for a while now but stick to the fantasy ones or puzzles as feel as you do that would be just too risky watching those spinning wheels. Think you are doing a brill job fighting the demons as your stress levels from work take their toll. Listening as ever although not much sun coming up these mornings. xxx