Hope

S.A wrote:

Day 183 with not a single penny gambled.... over 6 months once again.

Thanks for your thoughts Sandra and Triangle. Am working hard to reduce other negative behaviours and keep doing positive things. A work in progress.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble 1st september 2015

Arn't we all 🙂 S.A, arn't we all 🙂

Day 185 gamble free... thanks Triangle

A total duvet day today. Had a few beers last night and a genuinely nice eve at one of these "spoken word" events... but today i feel like an ant hiding in the corner, unseen and unnoticed... which is fine by me.

Am spose to be going to a work curry thing tonight but ive cancelled. I can't face it. It feels like an ordeal, though in reality all i have to do is sit and eat, which i can do of course!... socially am not up to it though. sitting in a confined space with folks I have little in common with (besides working at the same place)..is too much much for my autistic tendencies. I am feeling unsettled about not going though and a bit guilty.

Its just this sort of social angst that sometimes sends me to gamble.. so thought i'd write it down... and try to get it out my system

No gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA..i suppose, tipu tapu! ☺

I am horrible with socialising and prefer my own company..but own company is comfort zone for us huh..i guess that's why i took volunteering on board..completely out of my comfort zone...but sometimes we gotta keep pushing!

Having my first drink in 3 weeks..feel guilty and it tastes a little yukky lol..but that's what i need just today and now..in my own company..been outta comfort zone for too long so just chilling once again 🙂

Just pray for no hangover tom lol.

Eh...no gambling huh..that matters the most in whatever path we choose to take in life..that just destroys us completely and we don't want that!

Head held high man..keep pushing ☺

Well done

S x

Day 186 gambling free... thanks S x

Am enjoying my runners high. Just back from a 15 miler. First time ive done that distance since last August.

Ive also decided to pay a bunch of bills today. There is something rather satisfying about paying all the things that need to be paid and getting ahead of myself to. I feel all mature and adult and proper. Looking after my interests.

I mean doesn't it just feel rubbish when ya can't pay ya bills. Having to phone up and grovel and re-arrange and worry. I hate that. Am sure we all hate that. Many times ive faced the prospect of losing the roof over my head and only pulling myself back from the abyss at the last moment. Not today though. Am all paid up and financially ok.

Onwards and forwards.

No gambling

Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 187 gamble free.

Strange how every day is different. Am dreadfully depressed today. Am hardly able to function. Am eating and playing free online slots "as a comfort" i guess.

YaY for blocking software... other wise i would have gambled for real money.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi S.A,

Sorry to hear that the day has been a long one. I gotta say I cringe reading that you are messing with those those free slots. I'm just sayin I've done that myself and found them to be a wind up. Don't hurt yourself S.A. You have been doing great. Ride it out and try to stay away from the freebies. ((((S.A))))) I'm a hugger. Lol! -joanxxx

Day 188 gamble free

Thanks Joan and yes am riding the storm. I think yesterdays depressive episode was in part due to the long run the day before. I was exhausted and probably dehydrated. No excuse for playing the free slots. But I did what i did. It is what it is. Like you say they are a wind up.

The bottom line however is that i have a not gambled a single penny in the last 188 days.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey lovely man, was just about to post to you when I saw you had posted to me :))

Don't mention painting lol, up to my teeth with it, OH is lucky the paint tin did not land on his head yesterday ohh lol.

Very proud of you SA 188 days and not one single penny spent on any form of gambling,

Always listening to you and learning from you,

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

Oh those emotions huh ;-)...up & down like a seesaw.
Great going on the runs! I'm well behind on mine but energy is next to zero..i think i took a little too much on my hands trying to get out and socialise lol...never happy...but....it's me! ☺

Look after yourself and tk it easy..soon be weekend...enjoy!

S x

Day 191 gamble free... and thanks both 🙂

Seesawing emotions... so true.

Do you ever find yourself getting stressed and anxious about things that haven't actually happened and may never happen? Cos thats me at the moment. Imagining a work scenario that hasn't happened and getting stressed about it. Wierd. Thoughts leading to feelings. Over tired I suppose and/or the aftermath of a few fairly intense days at the school.

No gambling and off tomorrow. Just the dreaded dentist to look forward to. Having a tooth out.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Yep..i relate to your feelings..stressing over something what is not happening and even not likely to happen. I have that...i also start stressing over something well before hand...like now....I'm worried about my flight home in August lol...plane crashes with all the flames and big boom involved...hmmmm..try and get me on that flight 😉

Seriously...i think we overreact on things in life..yet...it's not as easy to look at life in light colours sometimes. I think we have too much self awareness and start putting pressure on ourselves even if we don't need to.

..now i worry about some skilled staff not turning up for work tommorow..lol...bonkers! They better do...else!!!! :-0

Hugs dear SA...keep on keeping on

S x

Morning SA,

I know exactly how you feel panicking about something that hasn't even happened, this happens to me mainly when I first wake up:(( I think for me it's my guilty conscience coming to the surface and my past self worthless feelings) I can push these ridiculous panicky stressful feelings out of the way pretty quickly now, well I have to lol, cos I have to get out of bed and start my day, and doesn't it feel great to start it being gamble free,

You are doing great with your gamble free days, be very proud of yourself, and I hope the trip to the dentist goes smoothly and calmly, x

Suzanne xxx

Hi Ya S.A,

Yup. I feel like that a lot. What I'm trying to do now is not let myself attach or hold on to those feelings. Like Suzanne, acknowledge it but then let it go and get on with it. I know easier said but, for me if I get bogged down the feelings become so intense that I default to my "run away run away" response and the cycle of self abuse continues. Too much? I'm still learning SA but, look at me stepping out of the safety of my own diary! 😀 so, what I put in between me and my runaway button is a small gap. A space. Maybe three deep breaths. Hang in there S.A. You got this! - joanxxx

Day 195 gamble free. Thanks all.

A real difficult day at a work. I will have the soreness and bruising to prove it tomorrow. Not liking myself very much for still not having the courage to step away from this type of work.

Don't know what else to say. Life goes on regardless. Things could always be worse.

No gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 196 gambling free.

Well I very nearly got through the working day without having to restrain anyone, but then 5 minutes before the end of the school day a 6 foot autistic teenager lost the plot and then all of a sudden I was once more in a "figure 4" restraint. Nobody injured thats the main thing.

Have I come home to a few spins of the slot reels to unwind, no i haven't... so thats good. Life is hard enuff without making it worse by gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A