Hope

Day 197 gambling free

Quite a good day today. No challenging behaviour at the school and great cycling weather.

Am not going to ruin the day by gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Red balloons twice tomorrow SA, you are done NGTR simply great.

Suzanne xxx

Day 199 gambling free. Thanks Suzanne 🙂

Pleased with my gamble free time and yet all to aware that am still following familiar patterns of behaviour and a high stress job. The ingredients for further gambling are in the mixing bowl but my blocks to gambling prevent it.

Just phoned my dad, it had been a while. "Am I being good? he says." yes I am I ses, am on the bright side of the road. My dad laughs and says, "good your old enuff to look after yourself." I think to myself, I sure am.... 44 years old!! and yet I still feel like a big kid sometimes.

Its also like, when you speak to folk who don't have addiction problems, it all kind of boils down to "being good" and "being bad"... when in reality ive never been a bad person quite the opposite in fact.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hai SA,

It's good that your aware and wary of work being a trigger for a binge... an element of mindfullness...

My dad's the same, have told him a few years back about my addiction and we've talked about it a few times. Yet when I see him, he'll not think twice about asking me to put a bet on for him! Which in a fashion I like, there really isn't a reason why a happy non addict should get into understanding the addiction S****e.

And going to out do you here SA, im 49 and still have moments of being a big kid..... ha Ho, I can live with that..

S.A wrote:

Day 199 gambling free. Thanks Suzanne 🙂

Pleased with my gamble free time and yet all to aware that am still following familiar patterns of behaviour and a high stress job. The ingredients for further gambling are in the mixing bowl but my blocks to gambling prevent it.

Just phoned my dad, it had been a while. "Am I being good? he says." yes I am I ses, am on the bright side of the road. My dad laughs and says, "good your old enuff to look after yourself." I think to myself, I sure am.... 44 years old!! and yet I still feel like a big kid sometimes.

Its also like, when you speak to folk who don't have addiction problems, it all kind of boils down to "being good" and "being bad"... when in reality ive never been a bad person quite the opposite in fact.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Very true SA. It does make a difference though when i explain to those i love how addiction works. Not completely but it does help both of us.

Oh man! I missed your 200 days milestone :-(...great going mr SA! ☺..keep up the good work, you know that recovery keep on giving and many many more good things are coming your way ☺

Fitness update!
15miles - 2hrs 20 yesterday. Mild weather, not too much hassle...knees giving up today but who am i to give up! I will crawl into work 😀

Hope your week has started on positive and you're dealing with challenges chucked your way head on!

Proud of you!

S x

Day 202 gambling free.

Thanks folks. I will get back to you all, soon enuff. great stuff on your run Sandra 🙂

Another half marathon completed. Under 2 hours. So happy with that.

Work is stressy, but no restraining today. I think everyones stress levels at work have gone up, cos your no longer allowed to seclude a student, even for a few seconds. So when they kick off you have to intervene. Ive got 4 more months of this, until the end of the summer term, but then that will be it. Its up to me to get some work in place for after that. I mean... who wants to go to a job where there is a fare chance of getting injured or coming home regularly with new bruises and abrasions??.. not me!

Life goes on regardless...

No gambling, but i did have a crazy urge the other day, whilst out of my safety zone (as Gt would put it). I did however manage to walk on past. Thank f**k for that...

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Day 205 gambling free.

I seem to have gone through my entire life making bad work choices. I have survived another term at the school, but at what cost to me and my mental health? I have been reprimanded today for using non-calm methods during a restraint yesterday. To be honest, fare enuff, I got it wrong, I will take my reprimand on the chin and learn from it BUT the bigger picture is... why am I there at all? I have a sensitive nervous system, I don't cope especially well with high stress environments and am not very emotionally resilient....physically yes but psychologically no. I go home to 4 walls and get stressed thinking about whats happened that day and get stressed about whats coming tomorrow.... its relentless. I go round in circles. Ive written very similar things in this diary before and then i gamble my money away. Its like self-punishment through work and self-punishment through gambling.

I have another opportunity to start making better work choices. The easter hols and a chance to look for something new. Am tired of my life as it is, so tired.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey lovely man, totally understand you, with your job, and then self punishment with gambling,sadly been there myself, job too to much to handle so I gambled and gambled to try and escape from that situation,

Well done my friend for seeing the danger zone, with your job, and well done again for getting to an amazing 205 days:)))

Always listening and always walking along side with you.

Suzanne xxx

Great effort on the 200 plus days.

The only work thing has been going on to long now make sure you use this break for good and get looking for the new job. If you look hard enough they are lots of opportunities out there you just need to put the same time and effort you did when you was gambling nothing would get in the way of the next bet.

I should take my own advice lol although I do enjoy my job and am good at it,I should look at progressing my career to it's full potential.

KTF

Day 206 gambling free

I really appreciate the thoughts folks, thanks.

The last 24 hours have been really hard. Am completely stressed out and "done in". Its only in the last few minutes as my mind and body realises that it doesn't have to go to work that ive started the process of de-stressing. I feel like shedding tears but i don't think they will come.

Am gonna stay close to my diary, cos my history says that am overdue for a gambling binge. Not this time though, not f*****g this time!

Thanks for listening... S.A

Morning SA,

Thanks for touching the base and just wanted to say that i hear you!
We spend half of our lives at work so it is very important that it's not harming us emotionally. Not many can pick and choose the profession they love to do. Sometimes we have to do what we need to do to keep day to day basis at balance. I know that your job can be rewarding but more than that it's extremely stressful. It's easy to say - don't take work home..hmmm..very rare that happens huh.
Please don't stop searching and looking further afield. I had a little kick about nearly two years ago and went on the job hunt like crazy. Weirdly was invited to all interviews...just never to second stage lol...but...in my field there is a line between supervisor and manager and some companies classed "managers" position as a supervisor..which was confusing cause i went for one but had interviews for the other...obviously not enough experience...also i was intending to move to other town so guess not many employers wanted to "risk" all the hassle i might bring..
I am struggling with this job as you know. Mainly hours i do and i believe tht my glass will get full very soon and i will start looking around again..i gave myself till December to try my best and stay afloat here..of course..i need to step messing with recovery and help myself in that aspect also.

All of this is to say that if you won't give up and keep looking, you will eventually find it!
You are an amazing soul and I'm sure the job you truly enjoy is waiting for you..make your Easter break useful for you ☺

Keep on searching and weighing your options.

Take care and keep on keeping on. You know too well what can happen if urges tries to take over..they're simply not worth it....slips HURTS...don't go there and stay strong!

S x

Day 208 gambling free

Still not able to switch off from work. Still not looking for new work. Feeling utterly dejected & depressed and playing free slots again. Not a good advertisment for recovery.

Hey ho, life continues regardless.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Slowly slowly catchy monkey SA...keep up the faith!
Don't beat yourself over feeling a little down and low...keep pushing through this time. Look after yourself...and i mean it!..healthy body and soul is the recipe for brighter days.
You can do it!

S x

Day 209 gambling free.

Thanks s... must admit though... I am struggling to keep the faith. I am just struggling. I have moments where I have all but decided to gamble and its only my practical barriers that stop me. My friend who is gambling stupid amounts of money and currently winning (a bit), wants me to put a grand into my bank account (to look after it). Stupidly I says yes, cos i think, well i can pick up a bit of interest on it, but of course with my current state of mind I might be tempted to gamble with it. I am now seeing sense and won't have his money in my account... but my gambling head lit up as soon as he suggested it.

My old, noisy desk top computer is also close to death and last night I bought a cheap replacement, which will arrive in a few days. First thing I will need to do is put "betfilter" on it... but will I ? My gambling head is once more rubbibg its hands with glee. It feels like I need a miracle to get me through this current tough patch gambling free.

One positive, is the fact that am actually writing this. If i'd definately decided to gamble, I'd just keep quiet and do the deed.

Thanks for listening... S.A