Hope

Hi SA

By your own admissions recently, barriers are the only thing holding you back. Make putting the software on your new computer an absolute priority.

Even if you're not in a good place right now, gambling will find a new low to sink to - whether that be within a very short space of time or dragged out longer. Don't do it to yourself.

Even if you're still struggling at the moment, 209 is a good achievement and you should be looking to build on this rather than take the short term fix which is barely a fix at all and will (absolutely, 100%) be a road to more severe depression.

I know you know this and have been on this forum for a while. That's made me reluctant to post- but the same rules surely still do apply. In your case it seems like you need the stabilising base of anti-depressants in order to provide a platform to move forwards. Then take those small steps in the right direction.

Best wishes

Louis

Morning SA , just noticed your post and wanted to congratulate you on getting to 209 days , I'm a week behind you on 202 and I know how gutted I'd feel if by next week I'd be back at a day 1 counter and have to go through all that stuff again , you need to keep the faith , youv'e gone too far just to chuck it all away and end up right back in the mess that brought you here , as soon as that new computer arrives you know you have to get all the blocks straight back in place without a moments thought as we all have no reason to gamble , just excuses !.

Stay positive and stay strong with heartfelt best wishes for your continuing recovery !

Alan

Day 210 gambling free

Thanks Louis & Alan. You guys are spot on in everything you say. I have been on these diaries for a long time but ive also been going around my cycle of problem gambling for even longer. Its depressing to think about, but it is what it is. My two friends from rehab days have long since given up on giving up, but I haven't. Am feeling a little more stable today and I aim to do positive things.

Thanks again guys. I might have a very long diary but am still very much a work in progress.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Morning S.A.,

Have got like a minute before getting myself up and ready for work. So, just a flyer for now. Yes, you have a long diary because you have remained true to it. You could have started over at some point and called yourself Virgil or Millie or Billy Bob. You get the picture. 😉 it's one of the things I have grown to love about you dear S.A. Keep plugging along. Stay true. And, good for you because 200+ days is not too shabby! Sometimes I worry about those mates of yours but you're a big boy and know how to choose your friends. I'm just thinking about my heavy drinking days back in Chicago. At one point I had to move (get away) from those rowdy girls. You know, so I could focus on recovery. Anyway this flyer turned into a regular ramble. That's the coffee for you... Lol. A big hug coming your way Mr. S.A. -joanxxx

Hey SA,

Good to hear that stability is back ☺..hope you have a good day.

I do see a lot of similarity in our recoveries. Doesn't mean I'm right, but just something i was thinking about. We do break the cycle of gambling and whoopy doo for us, but what i seem to notice, we fail to break the cycle of life :-/..if that makes sense. Abstaining from devastating addiction is one thing, but if we keep carrying on on the same old patters in life, not much is gonna change...or..it's gonna change but only for a time being.

Bahhh..depressing post again lol...sorry, i find it hard to get out of this funk in my head. Not even sure what I'm looking for, but am hopeful that every day we abstain, we are getting closer to some big decisions in our lives.

Tipu tapu one day at a time!
Keep doing what you doing and i am really happy to have you here, on this forum, on your diary.
Your thoughts makes sense and helps me big deal to see myself on the walk of life. Thank you

S x

Hey you!

Since ya ignore me offline i decided to come and chase you on here ☺

For some reason you have been on my mind last two days! Just wondering how your time off is ticking along.

How are the runs? I managed 4 miles run & 3 miles speed walk today. Been a while since i had shooting pain in my side..thinking that must b age lol..or...alcohol...or chain smoking :-/

Anyhooo...just wanted to tell ya, I'm thinking of you...(jeeezzzz...i suppose i sound like maniac in love crazy stalker haha...I'm not ☺ :-D)

Later you and stay safe

S x

New computer, started gambling and now I can't stop

Lost hope

Morning SA, You don't need to lose hope , just put the blocks back in place on the computer !, never too late but just do it now before things get out of hand , youv'e just gone 210 day's without a bet so you can do it ! No reasons to gamble but we can always find excuses ?.

Get those blocks on and get your life back !

I wish you success , Best wishes ..............Alan

Echo Sandra's "depressing" post to you on 29 March. Less sure why truth should be depressing, truth is not hopeless and you are not hopeless. It's all too easy to give up and think that you can't help yourself. But if you don't, who will?

There's a quote from Hillel in Ethics of the Fathers which I think are directions for living with addiction (and I do live with addiction): If I am not for myself then who will be for me? If I am just for myself, what am I? If not now, when?

Ie. he's saying we each have to sort ourselves out, look after ourselves, be responsible for ourselves, no one else can or should do it for us, no one else can "be" for us. Then, but not before, we are available to others and it's downright selfish not to be. And we shouldn't procrastinate.

Recovery is doable with a lot of effort and daily maintenance. And recovery is not just about blocking your new computer before you go on a bender, (blocking will help, better late than never). Recovery is about stirring the deeps, looking at what gambling is giving you, why you need it and finding other non addictive (spiritual, according to the Steps) ways of meeting the same need.

Over to you, wish you well.

CW

Thanks folks. Excuse me if I swear for a while..........

f**k f**k feuckety f**k.... wankjey P**s w****r P**s w**k b*m s**t f**k...

Ive got to forgive myself haven't I

f**k

Here we go again................ sigh

Time to stir the deeps.

Am back.... no f*****g gambling

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hai SA,

You know the drill my friend. Get out of this present head funk. You know yourself well my friend and you for saw this fall a fee weeks back, it was inevitable, despite the new computer.

I know your job has a big bearing on your life, I would pump and say your very good at it. That conclusion coming from your posts and your obviously a nice, thoughtful man. Very admirable qualities to concentrate on rather the negative S****e.

You wrote this a couple of weeks ago -
"BUT the bigger picture is... why am I there at all? I have a sensitive nervous system, I don't cope especially well with high stress environments and am not very emotionally resilient....physically yes but psychologically no."

Possibly it's not the job that's bringing you down with the subsequent relapses but instead working on the above. I'm sorry SA and its only my humble but A.D's are not the answer but talking to people who are trained is. As they say, it's good to talk.

I only come over to wish you well, bur as CW had cleverly said and as your well aware of, it's only you who can do it. You've given alot to recovery but not to your self. Time to start being selfish and look for number 1.

Purge the S****e, i'll have a rendition with you. f**k of you dirty c**t gambling your no f*****g friend of mine you low life f**k

Now you've both got that out of your systems, go off and stir the deeps.

BW,

CW

Well my gambling binge is over. Taken myself to the brink once again but and am still alive with a roof over my head and food in my belly

I do of course feel sad and very regretful at what ive done to myself (again) but I now have another opportunity to rebuild and make some changes.

S.A

Hi S.A.

Glad to hear you are back in the saddle. Forward! -joanxxx

Hi SA,

Sorry to read you slipped, but pleased you have got back up and are carrying on, it's all about work in progress my friend, keep positive and don't dwell on that slip, you have and still are working very hard on your recovery journey.Hold on tight to the positives of your journey, and blot out the negatives,

Take care my friend and keep safe

Suzanne xxx