Hey SA....was listening to some tunes today..one made me cry (bahhhh....) but i thought about ya!!!..changing lyrics it would sound like this:
" please tell me something I'm not giving up on you"
Hope all is ok... you know where i am - unconditionally - no matter how many miles apart, we can make that chat happening!
Stay safe ok...keep posting!
S x
Hey, old pal,
Just stopping by to say how do.
Believe in yourself like I believe in you.
Take care,
f x
Hey SA,
I know sometimes you need a break from your diary. I've been known to take a little time away. Maybe you're just recharging your batteries? Just thinking about you. Maybe toss out a note just to say you're doing well? -joanxxx
Things are now very very bad. Ive gone over the edge. Am breaking down.
I have created my current nightmare. I accept responsibility.
Change is inevitable now. What will be is what will be.
Out of the ashes...
Hello SA......
There's no coincidences in life... My favourite saying of late. I get where your coming from, so any support from me is going to be patronising, as I don't heed to my own thoughts.......
Your a lonely chap, just like me! It's not the way we are designed. It is what it is....... For at least now! I imagine your circle are also peeps with demons and lonliness as there friends, but give them a call, come away from the edge, it's not the place to be ...
Purge via pals or gamcare
Thanks Volcano... like you say no coincidences in life.
They say in rehab how addicts have a habit of recreating the situations that led to addiction in the first place. That's certainly true of me. It all started going wrong when I first started living on my own, no one to answer to, do what I liked when i liked. Trouble is I liked to gamble but I wasn't able ( for whatever reason) to put barriers in place, so I gambled & gambled until my world came crashing down in increments of increasing desparation.
After 5 years alone in a dodgy bedsit I ended up in rehab and normality and people returned to my life and my life got better. When i left rehab I returned to living on my own in a flat that I hated and promptly relapsed. I gave up my flat and returned to half way house living arrangement and life got better once more.
Some time later I once more returned to having my own flat and living on my own which is where I have been for almost 10 years. But whilst its taken alot longer this time addiction has once more taken over, the internet has made things worse.
Working on my low self-esteem and my tendency to self-destruct is a life times journey, but in the near future am going to go back to living with another human being. Living on my own just doesn't work. We are at the end of the day social creatures. I am a social creature!
Whilst there are many practical and financial issues to work through it feels like this may actually be a positive thing rather than a wholly negative thing. It terrifies me that I might become a statistic of an addict who in the end didn't make it... if ya get ma drift.
I do get your drift there SA....... but statistics are boring your not!
As proof in the pudding by the amount of posts on your diary, writing is cathartic, so as you head to the near future, keep this place close...
As you know full well your self, and witnessed on this forum, we are indeed social creatures and not designed to be alone with our thoughts. It's such a complex machinery between our ears and small talk with 3d peeps sure goes along way.
A line I loved is - life begins at the end of our comfort zone.... soo very true!
With my self, despite not putting the work in as yet, I loved finding the label of Social anxiety and now have taken up the hobby of talking to random people, it sure helps in the self esteem business, as you realise we're all pretty similar but possibly on a sliding scale in humanness.
Your a good man SA, no better or worse than any one, but just by your self exploratory, the scales tip to the former...
Tis another day, live it without the recreation of self destructing. Choose recovery and share it out.
ps...alert - cyber ok but 3d rules ok...
Hi SA,
Not going to lecture what needs to be done to stop the self destruction, after all we both know that. I know you have the strength in you and will make the choices to set yourself free. I guess we just need to reach the crossroads sometimes in order to break the cycle and go for the unknown.
Now..just random observation. Just witnessed one one of my cats (little innocent softy 🙂 ) having a little bird in her grip...lil bird was desperate to set free..i stopped cat bringing it in the house and no matter what i said, cat had her own thoughts...lil bird gave two attempts to fly free....eventually - successful. Never felt such a relief seing life and determination to set free before. Made me think here...life is precious...even if for one extra day.
It also represented addiction...being in the grip of it - but having the energy to fight and get to the safety...anything is possible....(till the next cat catches it lol...bad bad joke here :-(((( ) вє
Probs not making sense..i am out of my own thoughts recently. Sorry for not being around...feel guilty but pls keep talking and i will listen as always..you know where i am.
Strength to you dear friend.
Hey lovely man,
I still love the way you inspire me by not giving up on giving up, that addiction kicks in deep when it gets the tiniest of space to attack, and self destruct, I know you do not intentionally do this to yourself, and I know you don't want to self destruct.
Wouldn't it be great to gamble responsibly, with the enjoyment that we thought/think we are getting from it, but dear SA it's not great, it makes our self esteem sink lower than low, it wipes us out financially, it makes us become introvert, it makes us lie and secretive and totally makes us feel like we want to be on our own and that gambling is the only thing that matters in our world.
The more we gamble, the more we get isolated from the real world, (I know I don't have have to tell you this ) but I do know how hard it is to break away when we have access to gambling, that little or big hole left open, You enjoy gambling, jeez I did, and I miss it, and that is when I know the addiction is calling, how the f**k can we miss spending hours/days fixed on. Slot machine, it's not normal my friend, it's just not right, it's an addiction, (I know you know this) and I know you know what triggers it, living on your own, which this addiction thrives on, and am proud of you for never giving up on living on your own, you keep trying it, and as long as we've do the very best we can in our hearts to contain this evil addiction, we will.but my friend. In order for you to gamble you must have had the triangle in tact, maybe time now to close it permantly, and say goodbye to gambling, just close all access to it, (not easy I know) but for a start you have to want to do this, I did do cold turkey. at the beginning I was relieved, but that was because I had nothing whatsoever to give it anymore, all I can say is as a friend from me to you, is I did not stop until it broke me completely, I had nothing else I could give, it literally broke my heart, Going cold turkey after that was simply horrible, I still wanted more, I know you understand this, please don't wait wait until your literal last penny of being so deep in debt (will change that) don't wait like this addiction wants you to, to be thinking about no future, worried about you my friend, do what you want/have to do to keep safe,
Just keep strong and safe,you kept me on the straight and narrow so many times by your posts, my support is here
As always Suzanne xxx
My head is f****d... to live with a mate, when am not sure if i could live with them and also he will be on benefits, it will in time leave me paying the rent.
Feel like am having a breakdown. On the edghe of tears all the time
Its the gambling.
Its the gambling thats completely addled my thinking and my emotional health.
...and to think that just a month ago things were fine and ticking along normally....
Start over one last time... this time....
Hey lovely man, it is the gambling, but I know you are already fighting again, it was a slip, another lesson learnt, and that is sure progress, don't forget it's not a race it's all about taking one day at a time, don't be too hard n yourself.
Sending you strong and positive thoughts to kick those negs out into the gutter along with that gambling.
Suzanne xxx
Hi, SA,
The tears aren't dignified but they are a release, an in built mechanism for coping with pain. Even for the male of the species.
re joint tenancies, the quote sounds like a social landlord? Are private tenancies any more flexible and worth the disadvantages? My son will be living in a h*o next year, the landlord's laughing all the way to the bank but the mechanism for the rent is that the lucky parents act as guarantor. So if one proposed tenant is flaky, the whole thing won't fall apart. Don't know if any of this is worth considering.
Look after yourself.
CW
Hi SA,
I second SGT's post here...(is it you GT? )
I was thinking over the lines of being single and this addiction. I think it's harder for us "lot"..there is no one to talk to when you need listening ear the most, or a kind hug where you know you're safe and cared for. We are human beings after all...we are not made to live life by ourselves..but there are exceptions too.
I had to mk a decision to get down isolation path..who knows maybe I'm completely wrong, but i shall thread that path by myself (i have sister to talk to if need arises).
Sharing house has it's positives and negatives. It's good to have company sometimes, but balance is needed there. Financial situation is usually better if you share a property. All goes half half i should say...arguments you might have is not so good lol..but we all have them huh.
Only you know what you want from yourself. If you won't try, you won't know. I have never lived by myself only, but I'm ready for a leap...adventure awaits & as long as it helps us to stay on straight and narrow - it must work for sure then 😉
Lil step at a time...you know where i am if needed..offer for a cuppa (or a glass) is still on вє
Be kind to you
S x
Thank you you lovely kind people.
I have made my choice. I am staying where I am. Financially it will be tuff for a while and i feel the tension in my back and neck as a result. But I will get through.
I reason that whilst I do suffer with loneliness at times, I do treasure my personal space and that once I shut the door my flat becomes my sanctuary a place where I can trully be myself and if I don't want to wash up or tidy up then it only effects me. Acute loneliness only comes when ive blown all my money gambling. That sort of loneliness is very painful and that is when I beome unwell in mind body and soul.
To live with my mate I think I would spend my time tip toeing around his habits and routines and spend alot of time in my bedroom. Ive been there and done that many times in my 20's and i don't want to return to it.
I realise now that I need to fight tooth and nail to keep my current roof over my head.
I am regretful of what i have done to myself over the last month, but I will recover.
Also even though my neighbour does not know of my diary I am grateful to him today for firstly giving me a hug when I went down for a coffee and chat and secondly for helping me craft a form of words to tell my mate that am not going to live with him.
I am also grateful for everyone here, who reads my diary and shows me unconditional support despite many setbacks and repeating patterns of behaviour.
Today I am forward thinking. I am not defined by my past. I can recover. I will recover.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
